Lost and Found?

I have a confession. Well, I have lots of confessions but I have a huge one. It’s been months and months since I have written. Mainly because of my big confession.

I have not been paying attention to my weight-loss efforts at all for months. I’d like to lie and say that I have been trying and focusing on things but the truth is – I haven’t been. I have let my own personal health be the least of the things I focus on for months and months now.

I am lost. I go to work each day. I work my butt off – each day and usually each weekend. I made a promise to myself at the beginning of the year that I was going to focus on me again. But yet, its been so much easier to not do so.

So here is the truth – I am miserable. I have gained a lot of my weight back. Not quite all of it – but most of it. And that is incredible embarrassing. It’s saddening. And more importantly – because its an emotion I can feed off of – it really makes me mad.

How did I get here? How did I throw away all of that success and hard work? How did I forget how hard I worked to get there? I’m so lost as to how it all happened.

But I’m smart enough to know that something has to give. I live too active of a life to live this way. I don’t want to dread going upstairs because I will be out of breathe. I hate putting on clothes and cringing because they are just too tight now. I worked too damn hard to get the weight off. And I forgot about that.

More importantly, I have forgotten how great I feel when I am working out. I think I was a much happier person. I know that I loved the way my body felt in a much smaller size. I want that back. I want the feeling I get after a killer workout.

I’ve been feeling this for weeks. Yet, I have been avoiding going back to the gym. Yes, I have a ton of excuses as to why I haven’t gone back but the simple truth is that I am scared to go back. I know that I have to start over. I know that my success is gone. I know that the first spin class I attempt is going to kick my ass. And its scary.

But I have also reached my breaking point. I have to change something. This body is not the body I am supposed to have. I can have all the excuses that I want to have but the truth is that none of them matter. I can lose weight and keep weight off AND still go to tournaments each weekend. I’ve seen friends do it.

I just have to want it. I have to get myself unlost. I have to find the drive that I had two years ago. Yes, it was easy two years ago when I was in a job that allowed me to spend hours each day working out. Yes, it was easy when I lived at home and was going through it with my mom and Dad. But I have to find my own ease now. If I really don’t want to live my life like this, I have to find the answer to find the ease in this lifestyle.

I don’t want to go back to a job I don’t care about. I love this life. But I love MY life more. And the path I am is going to shorten that life.

So its time to really make a change – again. I’m going back to the gym. Yes, I’m exhausted when I leave work each day but I have to make it happen. It’s time to get back on my bike again. It’s time to give up my Dr. Pepper again. It’s time to watch my diet again. It’s time to take control of my life again.

And so I am going to share my journey again. And I’m going to ask for your help. I’m going to ask for your strength until I can find my again. I’m going to ask for your push when I ask for it. I need a support system because this is a tough journey. But I’ve had success on this journey before. And I really do want to FIND myself again.