Each week I watch the Biggest Loser and I watch the contestants break down and cry. My mom and I have often talked about why they cry so much. We always decide that it’s the sheet exhaustion that must come with working out six to eight hours a week.
Well, yesterday, I realized that those emotions come from lots of different places.
I knew this week had been a good weight loss week. Before stepping on the scale, I was one pound away from 70 but I knew that there was a good chance I would crack 75. Everything was almost easy last week. I ate really healthy – and actually enjoyed my food. And I felt like I had really broken through a wall in my workouts. I knew that I was going to be happy once I got on the scale.
So when I got home from the gym, I changed my shoes and immediately went to weigh. I couldn’t believe the scale. I had lost 6 pounds. I hadn’t lost six pounds since I started this journey back in September. But on top of the large weight loss, I had hit a pretty large goal for me. I had hit 75 pounds GONE.
I can’t even tell you the emotions that surged through me. I happily told my sister and went to hit my Facebook to tell all my amazing friends and family. I then needed to run to the little store to get something for my sister, who was cooking. I got into the car, started it and started crying.
Yet, it was sadness. In fact, there was no sadness anywhere in my being. I was relieved. I was overjoyed. I was happy.
And that feeling hasn’t gone away. I’m still so overjoyed with my success and this milestone that I feel like I could cry. But they are happy tears – most welcome tears.
I have never felt this good – physically or emotionally. Everyone knows that this journey is a physical one. To be successful, you have to kick your own rear (or pay people to kick your rear) at the gym. I’ve done that. But I think the part that has been missing is that I have never been so emotionally healthy.
I have an amazing family who loves me and supports me every step of the way. My parents doing this with me has forever changed my life – and I hope theirs as well. My sister has gotten even more specific and careful about what she cooks to make sure its healthy- for us. My brothers and Khrista are so supportive and loving as is the rest of the family. My friends on Facebook have been an immeasurable support system to me. I feel so unworthy of their love and support but I take it and use it each week. I post my daily doings so that I know I will do it – even those two or three hour gym days.
I am so humbled by the support I get online and I don’t think I will ever be worthy of it. I just hope that by sharing my journey that I am helping other people along the way as well. My gym has become my family as well – with my friends and aerobic instructors who push me and support me and just notice when I’m not there. This amazing web of people has built a support system that has healed me emotionally. They have let me grieve and let me celebrate. I am ok now. I am proud of who I am. I am proud of how I look. I am proud of who I am becoming. I am proud of how strong I am. I’ve never been able to say that I am truly proud of what I’ve accomplished but right now, I am.
I’ve lost weight before but I’ve never felt this good. I simply think the time was right for me this time. I think THIS is my time.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
A Different Fit
I think I may have grown more in the past month than I have during this entire process. Let me explain.
I just broke a plateau. And when I say a plateau, I mean the TOP of Mt. Everest plateau. I didn’t gain, I didn’t lose. I just sat still. I was frustrated at the beginning and then I decided to step back.
I talked to my trainer about ways to jump start my body. He gave me ideas and warned me against other ideas. He said that time is what it would take. And he was right. It took three weeks, a lower carb diet and getting extremely sick to break it. But I did and I am losing again.
And the lesson I’ve learned is that this IS going to happen for me. I can get stuck for three weeks and still pick right back up. And more importantly, when I get stuck now – I keep trucking through it. In the past, I would give up. After two weeks of no progress, I would just go back to my old ways.
But not this time. Not even during the two week “UIL window” in which my life revolved around One-Act play, speech and debate. Not even when I was miserably sick but still having to be at work and direct and coach. Not even when the scale sat at exactly the same place for three weeks. Not this time. This time, I found things to change. I “detoxed” from the scale. I didn’t weigh in all the time, as had become the habit. I went back to the drawing board and changed my diet some. I pulled back some on the cardio (especially with the illness). But somehow, through all of it, I lost weight. My body gave in to my changes and I am back on track.
I really believe that I can make these changes now. I can be a thinner person and live my life. I can work 30 hours at the rodeo and drink and party at the rodeo – and NOT gain weight. I can work a 60 hour week and not gain weight. I can plan and be prepared for everything life throws at me.
It’s a great comfort knowing that I am in control still. That this time was different – that I didn’t lay down in defeat. They say that it takes 10 days for something to become a habit. I think my habits are set in concrete now. And it feels so great.
****
I’ve had three experiences lately that I excited me beyond belief but that I had never though about or looked forward to. Both of them involved seats.
When you’re a big gal, you get used to hoping you fit comfortably in a seat in public. This could be a desk in a classroom, a seat in an auditorium. Each time, I would approach the seat and look for an option if I didn’t fit. Especially with it involved a desk. Most of the time, I wouldn’t even try to sit in the desk. I would immediately find a chair to pull to the desk and make some excuse.
Well, last Friday we were at Sharpstown High School for OAP. My girls were working on lines and I went over to work with them a bit. Without even thinking, I slipped down into the desk. It wasn’t until I was sitting comfortably in it that I realized I fit. And I didn’t fit tightly; I was comfortably sitting in the desk with room to spare. I just smiled to myself and moved on.
The second “seat” experience came when I flew to Dallas over Spring Break. I love to fly and each and every time I always dread one thing – having to ask for a seatbelt extender. The flight attendants always look at you with distaste as they go get it and then hand it to you as openly and publicly as possible. It’s embarrassing and I’ve even contemplated stealing the extender before so that I could always have my own and wouldn’t have to ask for the extender. Well, there is no need for that anymore. I sat into the seat to settle in for the quick flight to Dallas, grabbed my seatbelt and clicked it on. No seatbelt extender needed. I smiled to myself extra big as the flight attendants walked by. I didn’t need to bug them.
And the third “seat” experience has come several times this One-Act Play season. During this season, I find myself in a lot of auditoriums, sitting in a lot of different chairs. Well, Monday night I snuck in to the Midway auditorium and sat down right before a show started. And I realized that the arms of the chair weren’t touching me on either side. Not only did I fit, but there was room to spare. I kind of wiggled around in my seat to make sure it was true and it was. I fit. Comfortably. No more bruises on my legs where I had to squeeze into a chair. Never again.
*****
During the rodeo, my family and I made a LOT of trips out to the rodeo. Sometimes we went to the rodeo, sometimes contents, often to drink. Well, the night the Black Eyed Peas played, my entire family went out to see the concert. We all meet and we walked around a bit.
That night after we got home, my mom gave me a huge compliment. She told me she realized just how much I had changed. She said that she can no longer easily spot me in a crowd of people because of my size. She said I just blend into the mix of people now.
In a world where I try so hard not to be just like everyone else, where I want to stand out, I will take being just part of that crowd.
I just broke a plateau. And when I say a plateau, I mean the TOP of Mt. Everest plateau. I didn’t gain, I didn’t lose. I just sat still. I was frustrated at the beginning and then I decided to step back.
I talked to my trainer about ways to jump start my body. He gave me ideas and warned me against other ideas. He said that time is what it would take. And he was right. It took three weeks, a lower carb diet and getting extremely sick to break it. But I did and I am losing again.
And the lesson I’ve learned is that this IS going to happen for me. I can get stuck for three weeks and still pick right back up. And more importantly, when I get stuck now – I keep trucking through it. In the past, I would give up. After two weeks of no progress, I would just go back to my old ways.
But not this time. Not even during the two week “UIL window” in which my life revolved around One-Act play, speech and debate. Not even when I was miserably sick but still having to be at work and direct and coach. Not even when the scale sat at exactly the same place for three weeks. Not this time. This time, I found things to change. I “detoxed” from the scale. I didn’t weigh in all the time, as had become the habit. I went back to the drawing board and changed my diet some. I pulled back some on the cardio (especially with the illness). But somehow, through all of it, I lost weight. My body gave in to my changes and I am back on track.
I really believe that I can make these changes now. I can be a thinner person and live my life. I can work 30 hours at the rodeo and drink and party at the rodeo – and NOT gain weight. I can work a 60 hour week and not gain weight. I can plan and be prepared for everything life throws at me.
It’s a great comfort knowing that I am in control still. That this time was different – that I didn’t lay down in defeat. They say that it takes 10 days for something to become a habit. I think my habits are set in concrete now. And it feels so great.
****
I’ve had three experiences lately that I excited me beyond belief but that I had never though about or looked forward to. Both of them involved seats.
When you’re a big gal, you get used to hoping you fit comfortably in a seat in public. This could be a desk in a classroom, a seat in an auditorium. Each time, I would approach the seat and look for an option if I didn’t fit. Especially with it involved a desk. Most of the time, I wouldn’t even try to sit in the desk. I would immediately find a chair to pull to the desk and make some excuse.
Well, last Friday we were at Sharpstown High School for OAP. My girls were working on lines and I went over to work with them a bit. Without even thinking, I slipped down into the desk. It wasn’t until I was sitting comfortably in it that I realized I fit. And I didn’t fit tightly; I was comfortably sitting in the desk with room to spare. I just smiled to myself and moved on.
The second “seat” experience came when I flew to Dallas over Spring Break. I love to fly and each and every time I always dread one thing – having to ask for a seatbelt extender. The flight attendants always look at you with distaste as they go get it and then hand it to you as openly and publicly as possible. It’s embarrassing and I’ve even contemplated stealing the extender before so that I could always have my own and wouldn’t have to ask for the extender. Well, there is no need for that anymore. I sat into the seat to settle in for the quick flight to Dallas, grabbed my seatbelt and clicked it on. No seatbelt extender needed. I smiled to myself extra big as the flight attendants walked by. I didn’t need to bug them.
And the third “seat” experience has come several times this One-Act Play season. During this season, I find myself in a lot of auditoriums, sitting in a lot of different chairs. Well, Monday night I snuck in to the Midway auditorium and sat down right before a show started. And I realized that the arms of the chair weren’t touching me on either side. Not only did I fit, but there was room to spare. I kind of wiggled around in my seat to make sure it was true and it was. I fit. Comfortably. No more bruises on my legs where I had to squeeze into a chair. Never again.
*****
During the rodeo, my family and I made a LOT of trips out to the rodeo. Sometimes we went to the rodeo, sometimes contents, often to drink. Well, the night the Black Eyed Peas played, my entire family went out to see the concert. We all meet and we walked around a bit.
That night after we got home, my mom gave me a huge compliment. She told me she realized just how much I had changed. She said that she can no longer easily spot me in a crowd of people because of my size. She said I just blend into the mix of people now.
In a world where I try so hard not to be just like everyone else, where I want to stand out, I will take being just part of that crowd.
******
This journey is all about things being different. The obvious has to be different – my workouts, my eating, my dedication. But there are a lot of other changes. How my body looks, how I deal, how I fit into airplane seats. You never think about the little things like fitting into seats and shocking people with how you look. But those are the little things that somehow keep me going. I’ll continue to bask in the little different fits.
This journey is all about things being different. The obvious has to be different – my workouts, my eating, my dedication. But there are a lot of other changes. How my body looks, how I deal, how I fit into airplane seats. You never think about the little things like fitting into seats and shocking people with how you look. But those are the little things that somehow keep me going. I’ll continue to bask in the little different fits.
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