Lost and Found?

I have a confession. Well, I have lots of confessions but I have a huge one. It’s been months and months since I have written. Mainly because of my big confession.

I have not been paying attention to my weight-loss efforts at all for months. I’d like to lie and say that I have been trying and focusing on things but the truth is – I haven’t been. I have let my own personal health be the least of the things I focus on for months and months now.

I am lost. I go to work each day. I work my butt off – each day and usually each weekend. I made a promise to myself at the beginning of the year that I was going to focus on me again. But yet, its been so much easier to not do so.

So here is the truth – I am miserable. I have gained a lot of my weight back. Not quite all of it – but most of it. And that is incredible embarrassing. It’s saddening. And more importantly – because its an emotion I can feed off of – it really makes me mad.

How did I get here? How did I throw away all of that success and hard work? How did I forget how hard I worked to get there? I’m so lost as to how it all happened.

But I’m smart enough to know that something has to give. I live too active of a life to live this way. I don’t want to dread going upstairs because I will be out of breathe. I hate putting on clothes and cringing because they are just too tight now. I worked too damn hard to get the weight off. And I forgot about that.

More importantly, I have forgotten how great I feel when I am working out. I think I was a much happier person. I know that I loved the way my body felt in a much smaller size. I want that back. I want the feeling I get after a killer workout.

I’ve been feeling this for weeks. Yet, I have been avoiding going back to the gym. Yes, I have a ton of excuses as to why I haven’t gone back but the simple truth is that I am scared to go back. I know that I have to start over. I know that my success is gone. I know that the first spin class I attempt is going to kick my ass. And its scary.

But I have also reached my breaking point. I have to change something. This body is not the body I am supposed to have. I can have all the excuses that I want to have but the truth is that none of them matter. I can lose weight and keep weight off AND still go to tournaments each weekend. I’ve seen friends do it.

I just have to want it. I have to get myself unlost. I have to find the drive that I had two years ago. Yes, it was easy two years ago when I was in a job that allowed me to spend hours each day working out. Yes, it was easy when I lived at home and was going through it with my mom and Dad. But I have to find my own ease now. If I really don’t want to live my life like this, I have to find the answer to find the ease in this lifestyle.

I don’t want to go back to a job I don’t care about. I love this life. But I love MY life more. And the path I am is going to shorten that life.

So its time to really make a change – again. I’m going back to the gym. Yes, I’m exhausted when I leave work each day but I have to make it happen. It’s time to get back on my bike again. It’s time to give up my Dr. Pepper again. It’s time to watch my diet again. It’s time to take control of my life again.

And so I am going to share my journey again. And I’m going to ask for your help. I’m going to ask for your strength until I can find my again. I’m going to ask for your push when I ask for it. I need a support system because this is a tough journey. But I’ve had success on this journey before. And I really do want to FIND myself again.

Hello, This is your wake-up call...

I know I haven't written in awhile and there are a lot of reasons for that. I could tell you its been so busy at work. I could tell you that its because I haven't had anything to say. I could tell you a lot of things. But the truth is - I haven't been real on track. Since I started this job last August, I have somewhat lost my way with my weight loss. Now, I haven't jumped off the wagon and gained all my weight back. In fact, I have kept most everything off. In the cast of full disclosure, I have put about ten back on. But I just lost my motivation. I got caught up in my busy schedule and my busy life. I got caught up in debate tournaments each weekend and musical rehearsals each afternoon. I got caught up in dating and life. I struggled. I couldn't find my motivation. I was wired and caught up in a new life at a new school that I loved. I love my life completely but I lost me a bit. And then the call call - the metaphorical call that is. I broke my foot. I know this sounds strange as how in the world could an injury possibly be the plateau buster that I was looking for - but it has been. I went from being completely independent and being able to do Zuma and cycle whenever I wanted to someone who could barely walk (with a walker) and who had to crawl up the stairs each night to go to bed. Not to mention - had to come down the stairs each morning on my butt. Showers became a challenge because standing on one leg gets tiring really fast. Doing anything at home meant using my walker to hop along. Even getting to the car to go to school each morning would elicit a sweat. And somewhere early on - I decided this is NOT what I wanted to be like. Yes, I am having a hard time getting around because I gracefully broke a metatarsal on my right foot - but I'm really having a hard time getting around because I am still carrying a lot of extra weight on my body. Yes, I have come a long way. But the simple truth is that I am still carrying around an extra 100 pounds. And that makes hoping with all my weight on my arms tough. I have also had another revelation. As much as a I moan and whine about working out from time to time --- or a lot -- this fall, I do love it. I love that it's an easy way to relieve stress. I love that it gives me an outlet. And I've realized that I desperately miss it. I miss being able to get my bike, strap on my helmet and just go. I miss the feeling of my legs pumping as I leave miles behind me on country roads. I'm counting down the days until I can be back on my Greta (my bike). I can't wait to until I can go back to Zumba. I signed up for a 27-mile bike ride for diabetes which is on my birthday in September. It gives me something to look forward to. I had to let go of my triathlon as it falls only two weeks after I should get completely released from my ortho. So I needed another goal - another something to look forward to. I've also been checking out aerobics schedules for the new gym opening really close to my house Saturday. I can't wait to get back in there and start earning my sweat again. Before this happened, I was completely lost. I had gotten off track and had gotten comfortable. I had forgotten why I started the entire journey in the first place. Well, sometimes God has to pull out the big signs to get us back on track. And this time - I read the billboard.