The Future

So tonight on the elliptical, I was jamming to my favorite mix of music and thinking. Just thinking about nothing serious - just letting my mind wonder. This is my new favorite activity to do while on the ellipical or the exercise bike. I read sometimes but I have amazingly gotten to a place that I am ok just being. Just enjoying time in my head - or not even in my head. I truely try to leave stresses outside of the gym and let that be my time.

Anyways, back to my story. I was on the ellipitical and I started thinking about the future. I was daydreaming about my future husband that I will meet someday (you know - educated, a lover of the arts, funny, family-oriented) and it hit me. I was thinking about the future and I was seeing a skinny (or at least a much skinnier) me. I have often seen a thinner me in my daydreams but those visions were always cut short when my reality came crashing in on me. My reality that I have many months - if not years - ahead of me to get to that vision. It's not a bad thing - its my journey - but that reality has always been part of the problem.

And tonight - when I was jamming and sweating on the ellipitical - that reality didn't come in and crush my daydreams. I thought about that future I will have with my Mr. Right and I didn't instantly get frustrated by knowing that it would be a long time until that Kendra in my mind was a reality. It wasn't until 15 mins later that I realized what I had been doing.

I don't know what it means but I know it means something. I know that we have to focus on the milestones and little successes and I plan to. I mean I celebrate each week on Facebook and with my family when the scale is my friend. I celebrate good workouts and good torture sessions with Adrian. I celebrate my mom and dad's success. But while I celebrate the milestones as they come, I am not focused on them. I am looking to the future. There isn't a time frame on this future but I know there is a future of me as a healthier person.

And from here - I am loving what that future in my mindscape looks like.

My Climb

For my birthday several weeks ago, I got a gift card to ITunes. So last week, I sat down to download some new songs and create my perfect workout Soundtrack. Most of the songs are upbeat, fast paced and are songs that motivate me to push harder on the elliptical machine or whatever I am doing while I am listening to it.

Except for the last song on my play list. It's my motivational song. It's my cool down song, although I often find myself listening to it at the beginning of each workout and then going back to the beginning.

And while I am embarrassed to admit the artist, I am not embarrassed that the lyrics of the song speak to me. They seem to sum up my journey and my battle with my weight for all these years. The song, by Miley Cyrus, truly describes -

The Climb.

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

We all have it. We all have that self-sabotage gene - that little pesky guy that sits there and tells us that the job is too hard, that it hurts too much, that it doesn't matter. And in my situation, where I have so much to lose, I have let that pesky self-sabotage do his job again and again. I have believed him when he said "You'll never reach it." Even 7 years ago, when I lost nearly 100 pounds by eating right and dieting, I left him win in the end. I changed jobs, my life got crazy and I gave up. But I believe this time is different. And when I hear that little fellow start his crazy talk, I have to remember that listening to him has gotten me no where. It's gotten me here - back at the beginning.

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

This is the point at which I have quit each time. When I have a temporary set back, its easy to quit. But this time, I have safe guarded myself against these. I know they will happen. But at the same time, I have my mom and dad going through the same battle who will lift me up. I have Adrian at the gym who I have paid a huge amount to care who is going to help me figure out the problem. When I lose my direction, this web of support I have created, will get me back on track. My support system online through my blog and through Facebook will lead me back. This time I am not wandering my path alone. I have made sure I people walking the journey with me so that we can all stay on track.

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

And this is where I am. I am going to keep trying. I am going to make those good decisions such as staying away from the dessert table at yesterday's family reunion. I am going to keep my head up when things may not go my way. I am going to celebrate each success - be in a great workout or a good weigh-in. I am going to stay positive about the uphill battle that I am on. I am going to enjoy the sore muscles and occasional aches. I am going to appreciate that The Climb is what is going to keep me honest and in the end is what is going to bring me the most pride. If it was too easy, I wouldn't take it seriously. And my health and my future are definitely things to take seriously.

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

I'm going to remember why I started this journey. I am going to remember that I didn't get to this place quickly and that I am not going to get to my new me quickly either. I am going to keep being strong, even when it means a trip to the gym when I am bone weary and exhausted. I simply - as the song says - going to just keep pushing on.