My Top Ten List

My last post was deep and kind of depressing. But I was kind of in a rough place. But I’m doing better and had a brilliant idea for a new blog while shaving my legs in the shower today…. As you can tell, it’s going to be a little more lighthearted.

There are so many things about this new life that I love. Some are big and some are simply silly (like what dawned on me in the shower). So I am going to share my current top ten list with you….. drum roll please.

My Top Ten

10. I have tons more dirty laundry at the end of each week. Yes, I know you are wondering why in the world I would love more laundry. I love the extra work because it means that I have been taking care of business at the gym. As my fellow friends know, when you work out five or six days a week, you dirty up a ton more clothes. It means I have to wash workout clothes at least once a week. But you know, it’s a good burden to have.

9. The shower revelation: I have definition in my calf muscles. Yes, is silly and yes, my calf muscles are still large to carry around my body but I have definition in them. It’s not just one huge muscle, you can actually see where the different muscles are. I never thought calf muscles were really sexy but as I see mine change and grow, maybe calf muscles are sexy.

8. Crystal Light Single Serving packets. These absolutely rock my world. I don’t mind plain water and I still drink plenty of it. (Especially at the gym, I need plain water after a good workout!). But during the day, especially when its cold, Crystal Light makes it go down a little easier. And if you read the box very carefully, several flavors have caffeine. And one of them has a HUGE amount of caffeine. And lets me honest, some days we just need a pick me up.

7. I look forward to the gym. The past couple days have been crazy busy for me with plays, debate, etc. So Thursday and Friday of this week became my rest days. And I will admit. I cheat. I typically only take one “real” rest day a week. So I took two this week (my trainer will be happy). And today – after getting released from my debate duties, I couldn’t wait to get to the gym. I was almost giddy as I pulled into the parking lot. It was like seeing a long lost friend after a long absence. And it had been two days.

6. Spinning. I love spinning. In fact, I’m kind of obsessed with it. I hear a new song on the radio and I think – that would be a great song for a spin soundtrack. Today when I went to the gym I went into the spin room, put on my Velcro spin shoes and did my own class. But before I started I clicked through my iPOD and listened to beats. I picked two long songs for endurance rides (5 mins and two songs together that added up to 7 mins, 30 seconds) and then I started. I’m completely in love.

5. Zumba. It’s just fun. Even the classes with the “boring” instructor can be fun. Last week, one of my friends in the class and I thought we would spice it up. We were on the next to back row, with a couple clueless (and coordination-less) guys behind us. We kept throwing in our own dance moves. Then I told her it was time to doing the Beyonce booty – I went into a squat position and started shaking with the good lord gave me. I laughed and then remembered I had the guys behind me. One of them stopped and looked a little shell shocked. Glad I could entertain him. But even in the classes with Kenyatta, my favorite instructor, I put my own stamp on the dances. I mean, that’s what a true dancer does, right?

4. My Confidence. I’ve always acted confident in every aspect of my life. And in many of them, I was really confident. But in many others, I just pretended well. But that’s changing. I’m finding a confidence in myself that I haven’t ever really felt before. It’s pretty cool.

3. Makeup. This one is for my friend Cortney. For years, she’s harped me to look nice when I go to work. She would tease me about only wearing makeup when I had a special occasion. My students at school would always question me when I wore makeup – asking me if I had a date (and they were usually right). But earlier this semester, I started putting makeup on in the mornings. Sometimes during the commute, sometimes waiting for my windshield to defrost and sometimes during first period conference, I put it on every day. And I have to admit, even though I will never hear the end of it, I actually like how I look with makeup on. What a concept.

2. Conquering Stairs. I teach in a mammoth old building. It’s three stories tall and sprawling. At the beginning of the year, I dreaded going to the office or the copy room or anywhere. But not anymore. Now, I’m happy to make that third trip to the office. And if I have to go to an office upstairs, its all good. It’s more steps on my bodybugg. And the stairs don’t conquer me. I conquer them.

1. Being healthy. I never imagined I would find such great joy in being healthy. I enjoy good food made with fruits and vegetables. Mom and I have started to really enjoy looking up low-fat recipes. I like that I don’t dread going to the gym or walking upstairs. I like that I can hang with anyone in spin class. I like that my body thanks me for taking so much weight off of it. There are a lot of perks to being thinner but the simple fact is that I want to be healthy. And this time, I’m going to be.

A Rough Patch

It's been awhile since I've written. Until I just logged in, I had no idea it had really been.

I use this as my sounding board. As my place to brag, to vent, to deal. Today I'm dealing.

I'm frustrated. And I'm scared. Yeah, there it is.

I'm scared.

I've had a long history with losing weight. Eight years ago, I lost a few pounds shy of 100 pounds. I didn't do it healthy - per say. I worked out like a dog and ate less than 1,000 calories a day. I dropped the weight in about eight months. I was thinner but I'm not sure I was ever really healthier. And then my life changed - I started teaching - and I gained it back.

Since then, I've joined Weight Watchers, The Biggest Loser Online, etc. I've probably rejoined or tried a new diet at least once - if not more times - a year since I lost all that weight. I would get 20 or even 30 pounds in - and my routine would change and I would go back to the old way.

SO here I am now. I've lost 54 pounds since September. I've done it healthy with a good diet and a good variety of exercise. I am in excellent shape. In fact, I'm probably in the best shape of my life. I judge my workouts on how much I sweat. And I love that. And yet, this is the point where my success and the rest of the journey always overwhelms me.

Yes, I've lost 54 pounds but I still have more than 100 to lose. I'm not even near the halfway point of this journey yet. That's scary. It's overwhelming. I know what the books say - you set little goals and those help to break down magnitude of it all. But the bottom line is that I still have a long way to go. I'm so afraid to fail - I have shared my struggle and my journey so publically that I'm afraid of failing so pubically.

I'm also scared of what my life looks like as a thinner person. I've always been the big girl. I was in high school, in college and even in my adult life. I'm comfortable in the role. I don't know what life would like like if I wasn't the big girl. My extra weight is like a security blanket and I'm not sure how to function without it.

I know that I have so much more invested this time. I've invested a lot of money and a lot of time. I've been transparent and involved my circle of friends. That has to be the difference for me this time. But at the same time, I still hear a little voice... that little voice that gets me off track everytime ... telling me that I won't make it.

But I have to. I want this so bad. I want to be healthy and thin. I want everything that will come to me in that part of my life. I want to be a healthy wife and mother someday. I want to be a healthy daughter and aunt to my siblings kids. I want to be small - so that I am healthy, have more energy and lets me honest - look as hot as I feel inside.

So this time, I have to use that fear of failure to my benefit. I have to use it to push me harder to achieve this goal. I'm not sure how. In fact, I have no idea how. But I will figure it out as I go. I will use those around me to push me and to catch me when I begin to fall. It's quite a burden and I'm blessed with people that are willing to help carry it.

But for the first time in my life, I have to face the fact that I can't do this alone. Yes, its my sweat equity and my actions of putting things in my mouth but I have to have those around me as support. I've tried it alone before. It didn't work.

And this time has to be different.