A Rough Patch

It's been awhile since I've written. Until I just logged in, I had no idea it had really been.

I use this as my sounding board. As my place to brag, to vent, to deal. Today I'm dealing.

I'm frustrated. And I'm scared. Yeah, there it is.

I'm scared.

I've had a long history with losing weight. Eight years ago, I lost a few pounds shy of 100 pounds. I didn't do it healthy - per say. I worked out like a dog and ate less than 1,000 calories a day. I dropped the weight in about eight months. I was thinner but I'm not sure I was ever really healthier. And then my life changed - I started teaching - and I gained it back.

Since then, I've joined Weight Watchers, The Biggest Loser Online, etc. I've probably rejoined or tried a new diet at least once - if not more times - a year since I lost all that weight. I would get 20 or even 30 pounds in - and my routine would change and I would go back to the old way.

SO here I am now. I've lost 54 pounds since September. I've done it healthy with a good diet and a good variety of exercise. I am in excellent shape. In fact, I'm probably in the best shape of my life. I judge my workouts on how much I sweat. And I love that. And yet, this is the point where my success and the rest of the journey always overwhelms me.

Yes, I've lost 54 pounds but I still have more than 100 to lose. I'm not even near the halfway point of this journey yet. That's scary. It's overwhelming. I know what the books say - you set little goals and those help to break down magnitude of it all. But the bottom line is that I still have a long way to go. I'm so afraid to fail - I have shared my struggle and my journey so publically that I'm afraid of failing so pubically.

I'm also scared of what my life looks like as a thinner person. I've always been the big girl. I was in high school, in college and even in my adult life. I'm comfortable in the role. I don't know what life would like like if I wasn't the big girl. My extra weight is like a security blanket and I'm not sure how to function without it.

I know that I have so much more invested this time. I've invested a lot of money and a lot of time. I've been transparent and involved my circle of friends. That has to be the difference for me this time. But at the same time, I still hear a little voice... that little voice that gets me off track everytime ... telling me that I won't make it.

But I have to. I want this so bad. I want to be healthy and thin. I want everything that will come to me in that part of my life. I want to be a healthy wife and mother someday. I want to be a healthy daughter and aunt to my siblings kids. I want to be small - so that I am healthy, have more energy and lets me honest - look as hot as I feel inside.

So this time, I have to use that fear of failure to my benefit. I have to use it to push me harder to achieve this goal. I'm not sure how. In fact, I have no idea how. But I will figure it out as I go. I will use those around me to push me and to catch me when I begin to fall. It's quite a burden and I'm blessed with people that are willing to help carry it.

But for the first time in my life, I have to face the fact that I can't do this alone. Yes, its my sweat equity and my actions of putting things in my mouth but I have to have those around me as support. I've tried it alone before. It didn't work.

And this time has to be different.