Confession Time

I've needed to write this post for about a week and I've started it so many times. But I couldn't finish it. I simply couldn't make myself admit - publiclly and to all of you - that I am struggling. But I have been - and I am.

So since I got back from Europe, I have been struggling with motivation. I simply have lost it. I don't much want to go to the gym. I haven't been as careful with food and watching what I eat. I just have lost some of that drive, some of that umpf that was pushing me. I have no idea where it has gone but I desperately need it back.

Last week was the pinnacle of my deception - mainly to myself. I ate a lot of fast food last week. And while I made OK choices when I went through the drive through, I felt ashamed. I didn't want anyone to see me in the drive through. It was a dirty little secret. I hated that I felt that shame. I'm an almost 32-year-old woman who was hiding her fast food bags so that anyone who got into my car could see it. I started this process so I wouldn't hide from the things I was doing anymore. And yet, last week, there I was. I was hiding from the truth- yet again.

It all came to a head on Sunday morning after spin class. I made it to spin after not setting my alarm and still being up in plenty of time. It was a great great class and I desperately needed it to feel strong and to really enjoy a workout. I walked out with my friend Kelli and while looking at her new car started talking. And before I knew it, I was crying. I told her my dirty little secret.

I told her that I felt like I was letting people down. By sharing my story and my struggles, I have gotten such an amazing outpouring of love and support. And I don't want to do anything to disappoint anyone.

But what Kelli pointed out was that if I was honest, I would just be showing everyone how human I am. So here it is - I am human. I have messed up. I fell off the wagon - hell, I jumped head first off the wagon.

But the truth is - I didn't like it down there. I started this process for a reason. I love the way I feel. I love the way I look in my size 20 jeans. I love that I stop and look in the mirror and have to double take sometimes because I simply don't believe it's really me. I love that I climbed castles all over Scotland and could breathe when I got to the top of the towers.

So I start over. I'm not going to be Pollyanna here and say I know how. Just wanting to NOT be in a funk doesn't magically make me not in a funk. I'm still struggling. I'm still bored in my workouts. I'm still bored with my food. I'm still struggling to find the time to make it all fit - and to have a life and ENJOY this life I have fought for for so long.

I am almost at my one year anniversary from starting this journey. I started last September 19th. In the 11 plus months since this began, I have lost almost 100 pounds. I have about six pounds to get to 100 pounds. I've been this close before and I've gotten scared before and stopped.

I am scared. I don't know what this new me looks like. I don't know what it feels like to be someone who is 150 or even 200 pounds lighter. But damnit, this time, I want to know. Yes, it scares me but I want to know. I've fought so hard to get here, I don't want to give up this time.

I have no idea how I am going to get here. But I'm going to still keep fighting my way. I'm going to talk to Adrian tomorrow and ask for his help. He's helped me through little struggles before. This one is huge and hopefully he can shed some light.

And I am going to stop hiding. I'm going to stop hiding my bad habits. I'm going to stop hiding from the fact that its OK to be successful here.

Again, I have no idea how. But I believe in a God who will show me the way. Maybe its time to ask him for help as well.

Starting Over

I simply cannot believe how long it as been since I posted. But here we are, again.

To erase any questions about the title, I haven't fallen off the wagon. But I still need a reboot.

So my summer in a nutshell: had three glorious weeks off in June although that was so long ago, I don't remember them. I then started a crazy, hectic graduate program which shook up every schedule and routine that I had put into place that was working. I then spent a bit over two weeks in Europe with school and then my mom and sister. Then I returned home, had one day off, went back to work. Then this past weekend, I traveled to Las Vegas for a wedding of a childhood friend. Then today, I started the new school year. During all this I juggled a new guy (who is patient and kind and luckily appreciates a busy woman), my workouts, my diet and somehow my sanity.

So how did my weight loss survive this crazy hurricane of a summer? It just did. I didn't lose crazy pounds this summer but somehow I lost a ton of inches. At my last measurement session, I had lost something like 7 or 8 inches total from all over my body. I have never had that kind of inches loss. It was astonishing. I was proud.

So here I am. I am going to reboot. I need new routines. Everything that I knew last year, everything that worked to get me almost 100 pounds lighter, has changed. I now have a job that I love that I am going to focus on. I now have a boyfriend who I want to spend time with. I now have other things in my life that I want to focus on as well as working out, eating right and all that jazz.

And what I have to realize is that it's OK to have these other priorities as well. I still have to put myself high on the list. I still have to make myself workout. I still have to watch what I eat and listen to my body. But I can live my life as well. I worked so hard last year so that my quality of life would be better. And now that it is, I am going to enjoy that new quality of life.

But that being said, this journey isn't over for me. It's just going to take a new path. I'm going to take what has worked and reshape it into a new look, a new time table and maybe some new activities. My new job is going to keep me at school long past my job last year did. I am going to have to work with this. Some evenings I might want to visit my guy, instead of two hours at the gym and I will have to work around this. These things aren't bad. These things aren't taking away from my success or my drive and desire to reach my goals. They are just going to reshape the way I do things.

Life is about change. My life changed when I set out on this journey nearly a year ago. I have changed. I have found a confidence and a light in myself that I had faked for many years. I don't fake it anymore. And its because of that confidence that I have found that I believe that I can succeed still, even with a life that looks a little different from that of the past.

And amazingly, I am OK with this. I am comfortable with this change. I am excited about finding new routines and patterns. I am excited about finding a little more flexibility in my life to actually enjoy life. I needed last year's structure and strict dedication. I needed it to get over the hump. But now, I can still be successful with doing things a little different.

Change is not bad, its just different. And just like all the other changes I have made in my life, these are going to be the right ones. The tide is always continuing to turn.