Moving Down the Road

Today I accomplished a lot. And it all happened while sitting on a small, very hard bicycle seat. I rode 47 miles today and just may have found something myself I didn’t know I had.

 

So here is my secret. I am so incredible insecure about my abilities. I talk a big game. I am supportive of everything I know and I am truly supportive of my students, friends and family. I know they can achieve anything they set their minds to. And yet somehow, I seem to lack that same desire myself.

 

Well today, I just may have realized I could do the same thing. I signed up for this race to ride with my friends. I have ridden 20 miles several times and wanted to see if I could actually ride 45 miles. I had no idea if I could. And truly, I was pretty sure that I probably wouldn’t be able to. But I figured it would be a good first try. There would be SAG trucks and if I simply couldn’t go on, I knew they would help me out. And while I talk a huge game, it wasn’t until mile 32 or 34 that I really honestly realized that I was going to ride 45 miles (which was really 47).

 

It’s pretty much a metaphor for most of us. We talk a bit game but do we really believe in ourselves? When we say, we are going to do this or that, what keeps us from really believing it? I think that pride can be good – because sometimes it may be what gets us to the finish line – but I wonder what would happen if we actually believed in what we could achieve to begin with?

 

I know we have all failed before. We all have different battles… mine is with food and fitness. I know that the people in my life have all dealt and continue to deal with different burdens. And all of us, no doubt, have struggled with those. But I want to stop believing that my failures in the past are going to keep me from achieving goals in my future. I don’t want to be the girl that makes promises and plans without really believing in myself that I accomplish those plans from the get-go. I want to know when I set out to ride 47 or 100 miles or run 10 miles or run 26 miles that I will really be able to accomplish it. I want to really believe wholeheartedly that I will get to my goal weight one day and be able to maintain it.

 

Having these experiences and ah-ha moments don’t cure all. But they surely help start me on the right path. So what are you going to believe in today?

Embracing the Role

            As I logged in to blog today, I was shocked it had been over a month since I last blogged. So many challenges have come and gone since I last blogged. I successfully made it through musical week, through Christmas and New Year’s and even through a New Year’s Eve Cruise for five days and still came out on the losing side. It’s pretty empowering to know that I can still live my life like I want to live it – which includes cocktails and an occasional Mexican food dinner and still lose and maintain the weight loss I have accomplished.

            But that being said, it’s not without worry that I have lived this past month. I still had a fear every time I got onto the scale after one of those minor indiscretions. I was fearful after Mexican food and especially fearful after our cruise. But through it all, the scale stayed friendly with me mostly. And while logically I know that I’m not going to gain 115 pounds back with one meal or four days of cruise dining room meals, it still does induce fear. Mainly because I don’t want to ever go back. Secondly, because there is always the fear of losing my way.

            I accomplished a big personal goal yesterday. I ran my first 5K. I had done a 5K several years ago, when I had lost a large amount of weight before, but I hadn’t trained properly and I ran very little of it. But yesterday, I jogged the entire race. I even jogged some extra as I followed some chalk arrows left over from a previous race that added some mileage to my path. (Fitting somehow). I accomplished this goal despite the fact that I had returned the day before from a cruise and despite the fact that it was raining and cold. From the first 200 yards, my feet were wet and my toes were squishing around in my shoes. But none of this stopped me or discouraged me. My best friend, who drove to the Woodlands with me to run the race, kept telling me on the drive (in the rain at 5:45 AM) that he was so impressed with my determination - and this from a man who has known me since I was 15.

            For me, jogging has become therapy. And along the trail of this race I started pacing with two women who were also completing the race. One had lost 40 lbs and was working on the couch to 5K plan that I had done. The other one was on her way back from gaining 40 lbs since her healthy days of years past. She wasn’t much older than me and she confided that she had had a heart attack.

            So as we jogged and shared our stories, I was empowered. I have said all along that I was a very hesitant role model. That I was scared to be an inspiration because I didn’t want to fail. I didn’t want to fail because I felt like I would let everyone down who has supported me and loved me along this path so far. I don’t want to be the girl who for the third time gets off track and gains her weight back again.

            But somewhere during those 3.5 miles in the rain, I realized that I was looking at things backwards. I was planning for my failure. I was reluctant to be an inspiration because I was scared of disappointing people instead of embracing this role and using it to drive me. As the rain dripped off my hat onto my face, I found myself telling my new friends, that I was ready to embrace my role. This is my platform. This was the burden that God gave me and he gave me a voice to help others.

            This being said, I am not planning to quit my job and embark on a new life as a personal trainer. But I am not going to be so hesitant to share my story. Writing on here has been cathartic and yet safe because I pretty much know all of you who read my blog. I know that y’all are my friends and family who love me and support me. But being completely transparent with the world is a little scarier. But I honestly feel like this is my path. I am going to be a bit more open about everything. It’s not about losing weight, its about being healthy. It’s about not relying on fast food and junk food. It’s about enjoying the amazing food that grows naturally. It’s about being good role models to the students I teach and the kids in my life. Basically, I feel so amazing. I want everything to feel this way.

            I will get to test this new idea for me in January at TETA. I ended up on a panel about living a healthy lifestyle while being a theater teacher. As I created my slides for the group presentation today, I listed my starting weight. I could have just included a picture and let that be it. But that’s not transparent. It’s time to come clean. It’s time to be that person that shares the truth – even the ugly and embarrassing parts. Because each time I do, I become a little stronger.