Embracing the Role

            As I logged in to blog today, I was shocked it had been over a month since I last blogged. So many challenges have come and gone since I last blogged. I successfully made it through musical week, through Christmas and New Year’s and even through a New Year’s Eve Cruise for five days and still came out on the losing side. It’s pretty empowering to know that I can still live my life like I want to live it – which includes cocktails and an occasional Mexican food dinner and still lose and maintain the weight loss I have accomplished.

            But that being said, it’s not without worry that I have lived this past month. I still had a fear every time I got onto the scale after one of those minor indiscretions. I was fearful after Mexican food and especially fearful after our cruise. But through it all, the scale stayed friendly with me mostly. And while logically I know that I’m not going to gain 115 pounds back with one meal or four days of cruise dining room meals, it still does induce fear. Mainly because I don’t want to ever go back. Secondly, because there is always the fear of losing my way.

            I accomplished a big personal goal yesterday. I ran my first 5K. I had done a 5K several years ago, when I had lost a large amount of weight before, but I hadn’t trained properly and I ran very little of it. But yesterday, I jogged the entire race. I even jogged some extra as I followed some chalk arrows left over from a previous race that added some mileage to my path. (Fitting somehow). I accomplished this goal despite the fact that I had returned the day before from a cruise and despite the fact that it was raining and cold. From the first 200 yards, my feet were wet and my toes were squishing around in my shoes. But none of this stopped me or discouraged me. My best friend, who drove to the Woodlands with me to run the race, kept telling me on the drive (in the rain at 5:45 AM) that he was so impressed with my determination - and this from a man who has known me since I was 15.

            For me, jogging has become therapy. And along the trail of this race I started pacing with two women who were also completing the race. One had lost 40 lbs and was working on the couch to 5K plan that I had done. The other one was on her way back from gaining 40 lbs since her healthy days of years past. She wasn’t much older than me and she confided that she had had a heart attack.

            So as we jogged and shared our stories, I was empowered. I have said all along that I was a very hesitant role model. That I was scared to be an inspiration because I didn’t want to fail. I didn’t want to fail because I felt like I would let everyone down who has supported me and loved me along this path so far. I don’t want to be the girl who for the third time gets off track and gains her weight back again.

            But somewhere during those 3.5 miles in the rain, I realized that I was looking at things backwards. I was planning for my failure. I was reluctant to be an inspiration because I was scared of disappointing people instead of embracing this role and using it to drive me. As the rain dripped off my hat onto my face, I found myself telling my new friends, that I was ready to embrace my role. This is my platform. This was the burden that God gave me and he gave me a voice to help others.

            This being said, I am not planning to quit my job and embark on a new life as a personal trainer. But I am not going to be so hesitant to share my story. Writing on here has been cathartic and yet safe because I pretty much know all of you who read my blog. I know that y’all are my friends and family who love me and support me. But being completely transparent with the world is a little scarier. But I honestly feel like this is my path. I am going to be a bit more open about everything. It’s not about losing weight, its about being healthy. It’s about not relying on fast food and junk food. It’s about enjoying the amazing food that grows naturally. It’s about being good role models to the students I teach and the kids in my life. Basically, I feel so amazing. I want everything to feel this way.

            I will get to test this new idea for me in January at TETA. I ended up on a panel about living a healthy lifestyle while being a theater teacher. As I created my slides for the group presentation today, I listed my starting weight. I could have just included a picture and let that be it. But that’s not transparent. It’s time to come clean. It’s time to be that person that shares the truth – even the ugly and embarrassing parts. Because each time I do, I become a little stronger.