The Girl In the Mirror

I created this blog earlier this year after I auditioned for the Biggest Loser. I was motivated and fired up to lose weight, despite the fact I didn't get chosen for the show. I dieted for a few weeks, maybe a month and life got in the way again.

Well, I am back on that horse and a friend of mine mentioned he thought I should blog my experiences. So I am going to - and I plan to stick around longer than the three posts of last time.

I have struggled to lose weight my entire life. I work out, I eat well, I follow the plans and I lose slowly and sometimes steadily. But my problem has always been my motivation. I have never stuck with it. Even eight years ago, when I lost 100 pounds by busting my rear twice a day and eating next to nothing, I let it go. I don't know why I do this - but I want and I have to believe this time can be different.

Maybe the stars are simply aligned for me this time.

I've never been in a place where I was completely supported in this quest - at home, at work and at the gym. Yes, I have had a mixture of these.... but its just never all been there in the right mix. I am hoping that it is this time. I feel that it is this time.

I moved home over the summer to be closer to my family and to enjoy having a city life. I am loving my city life. Maybe that I am now home - to the city that grew up in and love - I can actually stop and focus on me. I have no other distractions. I am not so busy at school that I don't know my own name. I decided when I moved this summer and accepted my new teaching position that I would be a little selfish this time. I wouldn't get talked into jobs and duties I didn't want or need. And I think that being selfish will help me in my quest.

Another huge advantage is that I am living at home with my amazing family (until my house sells). My parents and I are competing to lose weight. We are calling it our Willeby Biggest Loser contest. It's a fun way to get serious. But we are serious. Between us we lost nearly 10 pounds in our first week. We are all doing our own things and our own systems but we are supporting each other. We are cooking healthy and planning out menus. With all of the busy lives we live, having four people in the house to be a part of this planning and cooking helps greatly. Yes, we all want to be the winner in the end. But we all also want to be healthy and much thinner in the process.

My other ace in the whole is my new life at the gym. Now let me tell you, I have been a member of many gyms. But I've never really felt home at a gym. Even as an employee at the YMCA in Waco, I still felt like a guest of sorts. I am so happy at my new gym in Katy. I splurged when I joined and signed up for training sessions with A. A is going to be my ace in the hole. He is going to be my motivation and my will to keep going when I simply want out.

Tonight I had my second training with A, which very possibly was the hardest 50 minutes of my entire life. We walked back to a corner of the gym and I watched pull out a step, much like I've seen them jump up on the Biggest Loser ranch. I was terrified. He wanted me to DO WHAT?

He didn't want me to jump, he wanted me to squat and I happily did as he said, after not having to jump onto the bench. But as I did the squats, I looked at myself in the mirror in front of me. I mean, I really looked at myself. And as I did, I didn't recognize the girl that looked back at me. It's not the face or the body I recognize or understand. I am not sure where this body came from but I'm ready to change it.

The Girl in the Mirror is not the girl that stands and teaches in my classroom each day. The Girl in the Mirror is not the person who laughs and loves her friends and family. The real girl is trapped inside a body that aches from the weight it carries.

I don't look at many mirrors. In fact, I avoid them. As I sat there squatting on the bench, I looked at myself and made myself a promise. I am going to do whatever I can to find the girl that is in the mirror of my mind. It's not going to be easy and I won't be successful everytime I put one foot in front of the other. But if I really want this - I mean really want this - I can do this.

I deserve it.