A Catalyst

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.-- Mary Engelbreit

Usually I write about me. I write about my issues and struggles, my successes and neurosis. Today is a little different. I am going to write about you.
When I started this journey, I decided I was going to be completely transparent. I was going to post everything. I was going to be honest and not hide things. There is nothing quite like posting that you weight over 350 pounds on your Facebook for your entire world to see.
But I knew when I did, I would be accountable to a level that I hadn’t been before. And that has been the case.

What I didn’t expect was that people would say that I am an inspiration. I feel so unworthy of that. The simple truth – as least as I see it – is that I just found something inside me – a drive, a desire, a want – that has made it work this time.

And the even simpler truth – is that we all have it inside us. When my friends post and say I am an inspiration, I don’t deserve it. I am so humbled by that label. If I inspire anything, I just want them to learn how to look deep inside them selves and find what I know is there. Any of us has the ability to change, we just have to want it.

And as Engelbreit said, if we can’t change it then we need to change the way we look at it. And that is what I have done. And that is what each of us can do.

We can look at our weight struggles, or image struggles or esteem struggles as obstacles that are too daunting to ever face. When I started this journey, I was at 388 pounds. That is a huge number. It’s a daunting number. It’s easy to look at it as I would never be able to overcome it.

But this time, I didn’t look at it that way. I was finally in a better place. I was happy in Houston with my family. I was immediately surrounded by supportive people that loved me. I was in a job that allowed me a lot of time to be able to focus on myself. All of the ducks were in the correct rows. And when all of that happened, that drive and desire that I had buried all those years deep inside me was easy to access.

And this is the case for everyone. We can all find that desire. Anyone can change and grow. We all have struggles and things we want to improve upon ourselves. I truly believe that everything we need to succeed and overcome our personal obstacles is within ourselves. I was lucky enough to be in the right place to find it. I was lucky enough to have the right catalysts in my life.

And so I have one hope for my friends who hope to make positive changes in their lives be it with exercise and diet or some other area. I hope that if you are still looking for that catalyst to help you find that desire and strength within yourselves – that I can help you be that catalyst.

I’m not doing anything that hundreds of thousands of people haven’t already done for years. But if my success shows you that all of us – even us normal people with lives and families and jobs and stress – can accomplish this, then I am happy that my success has inspired you.

And if I can help you – I will. I want my struggles to help others as well. Because all of you – with your comments and support – have helped me in this journey more than I can ever thank you. I would love to repay the favor.

My Life – as a Reality Show

So this morning one of my friends posed an intriguing question on his Facebook. He asked “If your life was a reality show, what would it be called?” This got me to thinking. I can’t say it would be one show – but a mixture of many. So here goes.

Biggest Loser – Willeby Style

Of course, I have to start with the Biggest Loser. It was the motivation back in September for my family and me to start this journey. It has been a motivation for me for years. Trying out for the show two years ago was an experience that taught me more about myself in a six hour window of time than I have probably learned in spans of years. Here are a few other comparisons.

So many days, my life does look like an episode of our favorite tear-inducing show. I have a trainer, who kicks my butt regularly. Granted, he doesn’t kick my butt for six or eight hours a day, seven days a week but he still makes a huge difference.
I feel like I live at the gym. I spent between and hour and two hours there each night, depending on the day of the week. Some weeks, I think I spend more of my waking hours at the gym than I do at home.

I yell and cry about the whole process. Granted – not nearly as much. And probably not nearly as dramatically. But I do get frustrated. When I have a lousy weigh-in or a measurement that just baffles me (like last week), I get frustrated. I don’t cry and yell at my trainer or at the gym. But I have my moments – usually in solitude – where I deal with the emotional roller coaster that is major weight loss.

Top Chef – The Healthy Challenge Season

I cook a lot. I’ve gotten to where I enjoy cooking for my family. I like taking recipes and trying them. I love taking things that have long been a staple in my family’s food life and making them healthier.

Over Mother’s Day weekend, we had my family over to the house. We were celebrating Mother’s Day, my aunt and grandmother’s birthdays and my cousin’s graduation from nursing school. Mom wanted me to make cupcakes. So I did. But I didn’t just make them normal – I used a can of diet soda instead of the oil and eggs. I had always heard a lot about this ole weight watchers trick. I had read about it online. But I hadn’t tried it. It was a hit. Score a point for healthy cooking.

I love cookbooks and loving trying new fruits and vegetables. I am beyond excited about my dad’s garden because it is producing so many fresh fruits and vegetables already. I will be grilling fresh zucchini and squash tonight with our chicken for dinner.

I won’t claim that everything I cook is good – because well, I’ve had some questionable experiments. But all chef’s – even those this season on Top Chef Masters – don’t always get it right. For me the fun is in the trying to get it right and knowing that I am being so much better to my body by feeding it well.

The Tour de France – A Day in the Life of

I love spinning. If you are one of my faithful five readers, you probably have figured this one out. Or I’ve probably told you a million times by now. But it’s the truth.

I am in great shape right now. Yes, I still have 150 pounds to lose, but my heart is in good shape and I feel pretty confident in most exercise situations right now. BUT I am still a big girl. And I still have to take care of my knees and my joints – which is where spinning comes in.

On a spin bike, I’m not a 310 girl anymore. I’m a healthy, fast, STRONG rider. I can do 10 or 12 minute endurance rides (meaning standing up in the saddle the entire time) rather easily. In fact, I typically add resistance or other things to make it a little more challenging.

I don’t worry if my knee is going to go out or if my ankle is going to start hurting after spinning. I just know that I am strong and I can hang with most anyone in the class. I love this feeling. I have never before been one of the stronger ones in any aerobics class. But it’s a feeling that I love and cherish. It’s a feeling that makes me so faster and longer and harder. It gives me a sense of accomplishment.

I still do a large variety of exercises - machines and classes. But I heart spinning. I look forward to spinning. I think about it when I get up in the morning. In a way, I am on my own Tour de self.

The Twilight Zone, the episode where “Everything Changes”

So much about this process and everything is surreal to me. It’s hard to believe. It’s hard to understand.

I look at myself in the mirror and I am not sure who is looking back at me sometimes. I love this woman. I like the way I look and I take a great joy in the little changes that continue to happen in my body. Recently, while on a spin bike I looked down my arm and noticed a tiny bit of definition. I mean a TINY bit. But it’s definition. And it looks great. And it still surprises me that its there.

The rational me knows that I have worked my rear off to get here. But the skeptical side of me still can’t believe its happening. I like mirrors. I look in them often. And I still find myself wondering who that person is that is looking back.

I like clothes and I am falling in love with shopping. I have gotten interested in jewelry and have even bought some costume jewelry. This is kind of a wild thing for the girl who doesn’t even wear a watch. And its going to turn into a very expensive endeavor I am sure.

I wear makeup every day. Yes, every day. It’s weird. And if you’ve known me for any length of time, you know that something major has changed in me to make me wear makeup EVERY day. It’s a shocker.

All of these things are fun and new and exciting and even though I am nine months into this process, I still can’t believe they are happening to me. Every time I step on the scale, I expect my weight to be in the 380s again. Again, logically I know it’s not going to happen. But emotionally and irrationally, I still feel like this is all a dream.

Everything has changed.

And I don’t want to wake up.

Going Through the Motions

So you’ll have to forgive me here, but as I sat here thinking about writing a new blog post, a certain song from the Buffy Musical episode came to mind. Granted, some of the song – mainly the part about our girl Buffy fighting demons – doesn’t exactly match what I’m feeling – or maybe it does.

Every single night/The same arrangement/I go out and fight the fight

This is my struggle. I work out – A LOT. I do Zumba. I spin. I do the elliptical. I work out with my trainer. I enjoy the sweating. I enjoy the results when I step on the scale. But I’m in a slump. Every single night – I’m just going through the motions. It’s still working and I’m still succeeding but some days, especially the past two weeks, its been hard to make myself go. Once I’m there, I am happy to be sweating and working out.

But some days – I just wish it was different. I wish this wasn’t my burden. I wish that I would get home from work and the gym before 8 p.m. I wish I didn’t HAVE to work this hard. Yes, it may be a bit of a pity party – and I’m sure this too will pass – but its just the way it is.

Going through the motions/Walking through the part/Nothing seems to penetrate my heart/I was always brave/ And kind of righteous/Now I find I’m wavering

I’m strong. I’m proud. I’m going to achieve these goals. I talk the right talk. I say the right things. And for the most part, I’ve been able to match the results with the talk. But what if that stops happening? What if I fail? What if I let people down? I’m so humbled by the people in my life that have chosen to support me and lift me up. What if I fail them? I know that that if I do then that means that I have failed myself first. I want this so bad and its scary to want something this bad.

I was watching a wedding show Sunday and watching a skinny beautiful bride try on dresses. I allowed myself to start daydreaming about trying on small wedding dresses someday. Then I started to feel the panic set in. What if I don’t get there? What if I fail? I’ve been so strong in my resolve this entire time but now I understand the line about wavering. Nothing has changed – I’m still working out, I’m still eating right. But that pesky self-doubt critter is trying to make a nest.

Will I stay this way forever/Sleepwalk through my life’s endeavor/I don’t want to be/Going through the motions/Losing all me drive /I can’t even see if this is really me/And I just want to be Alive

I think this final stanza of the song says is all. I don’t want to be this way forever. Maybe the truth is that for all these years, I’ve simply been sleepwalking through life. I’ve been pretending to be happy and confident. Yes, I am confident at work and in certain areas but not everywhere. I’ve faked it well. I’ve always felt the heat crawl up my neck to my face when I walked into a bar or a crowded room. I’ve always wondered what people thought of me. I’ve always been embarrassed that I could keep up with people walking in a group. Those things have changed and are continuing to change.

I’m not that girl anymore. And I have to figure out the way around this slump. I don’t want to be going through the emotions. I want to be working and succeeding and loving every moment. I know I can get there… but it’s been eight months and I am in a low moment. I’ve been fighting my way back to the living and I am there. Now I have to figure out how to stay here. Because I just want to be ALIVE.