Going Through the Motions

So you’ll have to forgive me here, but as I sat here thinking about writing a new blog post, a certain song from the Buffy Musical episode came to mind. Granted, some of the song – mainly the part about our girl Buffy fighting demons – doesn’t exactly match what I’m feeling – or maybe it does.

Every single night/The same arrangement/I go out and fight the fight

This is my struggle. I work out – A LOT. I do Zumba. I spin. I do the elliptical. I work out with my trainer. I enjoy the sweating. I enjoy the results when I step on the scale. But I’m in a slump. Every single night – I’m just going through the motions. It’s still working and I’m still succeeding but some days, especially the past two weeks, its been hard to make myself go. Once I’m there, I am happy to be sweating and working out.

But some days – I just wish it was different. I wish this wasn’t my burden. I wish that I would get home from work and the gym before 8 p.m. I wish I didn’t HAVE to work this hard. Yes, it may be a bit of a pity party – and I’m sure this too will pass – but its just the way it is.

Going through the motions/Walking through the part/Nothing seems to penetrate my heart/I was always brave/ And kind of righteous/Now I find I’m wavering

I’m strong. I’m proud. I’m going to achieve these goals. I talk the right talk. I say the right things. And for the most part, I’ve been able to match the results with the talk. But what if that stops happening? What if I fail? What if I let people down? I’m so humbled by the people in my life that have chosen to support me and lift me up. What if I fail them? I know that that if I do then that means that I have failed myself first. I want this so bad and its scary to want something this bad.

I was watching a wedding show Sunday and watching a skinny beautiful bride try on dresses. I allowed myself to start daydreaming about trying on small wedding dresses someday. Then I started to feel the panic set in. What if I don’t get there? What if I fail? I’ve been so strong in my resolve this entire time but now I understand the line about wavering. Nothing has changed – I’m still working out, I’m still eating right. But that pesky self-doubt critter is trying to make a nest.

Will I stay this way forever/Sleepwalk through my life’s endeavor/I don’t want to be/Going through the motions/Losing all me drive /I can’t even see if this is really me/And I just want to be Alive

I think this final stanza of the song says is all. I don’t want to be this way forever. Maybe the truth is that for all these years, I’ve simply been sleepwalking through life. I’ve been pretending to be happy and confident. Yes, I am confident at work and in certain areas but not everywhere. I’ve faked it well. I’ve always felt the heat crawl up my neck to my face when I walked into a bar or a crowded room. I’ve always wondered what people thought of me. I’ve always been embarrassed that I could keep up with people walking in a group. Those things have changed and are continuing to change.

I’m not that girl anymore. And I have to figure out the way around this slump. I don’t want to be going through the emotions. I want to be working and succeeding and loving every moment. I know I can get there… but it’s been eight months and I am in a low moment. I’ve been fighting my way back to the living and I am there. Now I have to figure out how to stay here. Because I just want to be ALIVE.