Learning to Listen

                There are so many things that go into weight loss. So many lessons to learn and so much growing and changing during the process. I’ve been fighting through it. I’m not going to lie and say its been easy. I’ve had my moments of anger, I’ve had my moments of pure frustration, I’ve had my breakdowns and I’ve had my moments of being completely proud. It’s all part of the process – part of the growing and part of the change.

                One of the most important lessons I’m learning is how to listen to my body. This is hard for me. I’ve never been really good at listening to my body. I push it physically, emotionally, mentally and I’ve treated it like crap. I’ve fed it crap for all these years. I’ve pushed myself again and again when I should have rested. I’ve eaten too much, drank too much or not eaten enough. My biggest sin is that I simply haven’t been good at listening to it.

                I realized today that this is changing. There are a lot of lessons that I’ve learned during this phase of the HCG diet. Maybe its because of the drastic measures of it that I’m finally looking and listening to what is going on. I’ve gotten in touch with what my body is telling me. The medicine that I take each morning helps me feel fuller much quicker. So in response, I’m eating a lot less. It’s weird to eat so much less than I was used to but to feel satisified and full.

                Example, I was walking through a Chicago mall today and saw a place with a great salad bar. It was lunch time so I went in and got a salad with all allowed veggies and grilled turkey. I didn’t get a big salad, just a normal sized – or so I thought. Well, halfway through the salad, I realized I was full. So I walked away from it. It was liberating. It was exciting. It was a great feeling to walk away feeling like I have accomplished something by simply listening to my body.

                In addition, after walking around and walking the mile or so back to the hotel, I came up to my room. I wanted to go to a museum. I wanted to go to Navy Pier. I wanted to do something. But my body disagreed. My body needed rest. And maybe my mind did too. So I laid down and napped. I slept harder than I have in a long long time. I listened to my body. I don’t ever do this during the school year. I push and push and push. It’s time that I stop pushing so hard. It’s time that I give in and let it be.

                I’ve learned one more lesson this week that my friend David shared with me. The first night we were here, my class went to eat deep dish Chicago-style pizza after our show. I knew that I couldn’t make that trip. I’ve gotten pretty good at eating healthy with the group and being fine with it but as pizza is my favorite food, I knew that I couldn’t do that. So I came up to my room. And I was upset. I wanted to be with my classmates. I had a little (or an ugly) pity party and went to bed.

                So the next morning I was talking to David and told him about my breakdown. He told me his story about changing his mindset and it struck me. He told me about changing his mindset about going out with friends being about the food to simply just being about spending time with your friends. There is something telling about that. I’m going to work on it. It will make it easier.

                I still have a whole lot of learning to do in this process. I have about ten days left of this stage of the diet. I’m still learning and growing each day.  And I’m feeling stronger and stronger each day.  And I am finally – at 33 years old – learning to listen.

Just mad.

            So tonight I am going to be a bit dramatic. Tonight I am mad.

            I am mad at my body. I am mad that I let myself gain the weight back I lost two years ago. I am mad that I don’t have a metabolism that allows me to eat whatever I want. I am mad that my body is sore from carrying around my body weight. I’m mad that I can’t eat chips and have a Dr. Pepper. I’m just mad.

            There is nothing that in particular that has set me off tonight. I had a great dinner (added some hot salsa on top of some chicken as it went with my general mood) and I haven’t gotten off track but that doesn’t mean I am not frustrated. I have a great supportive family (especially my sister who is dealing with this on the front lines) and I have incredibly supportive friends who are cheering me along. I don't begrudge any of of those blessings.

            But I am grieving that I have to make changes. It’s so much easier to just be free. It’s easier to pick up dinner on the way home. I really want a glass of wine.

            But I know rationally that that “easier” got me where I am today. And I know that I don’t want to go back there. I want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to fit in the seats of Broadway theaters comfortably. I don’t want to ever worry on an airplane again that someone will refuse to sit next to me. I want to be healthy. I have a horrible family history and I don’t want to make it any easier for diabetes or high blood pressure to take hold. I guess I’m mad that I have to make these hard decisions period.

            I think that it’s ok for me to be mad. I’ll go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow and I won’t be mad anymore. It's not in my nature to be mad. I do not begrudge the blessings in my life and I'll remember them very clearly in the morning.

But that is tomorrow.

And for now, I'll just be mad.

Finally Finding My Breaking Point

            I have always struggled with my weight. I have tried a lot of diets over the years and have had some success on different levels with different programs. Yet, I have never believed that my weight has kept me from living life.

            I have never let my weight keep me from anything. I really do feel like I have lived my life fully. I have worked to build a career that I am proud of. I have loved and had my heart broken. I have traveled and seen so much of the world. (But not nearly enough). I have never stayed home because I am overweight.

            And I guess at a certain level, I have always known that I would reach my limits. I have always known that eventually my size would get in the way of something I wanted to achieve.

            This has happened recently in an avalanche of moments. The first moment came when a man refused to sit next to me on an airplane on the way to New York City. And the rest of that trip continued to show me that it was time. I love New York theater and yet most of the seats that I sat in during that trip were really tight. I had a hard time keeping up in some of the walking tours. I realized that it was time – this time for real. I had let myself go and regained a lot of the weight that I lost three years ago but its time.

            Which is were the HCG and daily injections came in. Back in March, I visited my doctor for my yearly exam. There was a sign in his lobby about the HCG diet. So I went home and studied it. I then came up with a long list of questions and scheduled an appointment to ask him all my questions.

            And at that appointment, I decided I would take the leap. But yet, I still didn’t. I kept telling myself I would wait for the right now. Then school travel got in the way, then my debate schedule got in the way, then everything snowballed.

            Until New York City happened. And while I may be a hard-headed gal, I can take a sign. And I listened.

            So on Saturday morning, I started this new journey. I will inject myself with the HCG hormone each morning for forty days. And starting tomorrow – which is also the first morning of my last summer of grad school – I will eat a strict 500 calorie diet.

            I just spent the past hour measuring out and weighing out food for the week. I have about 40 something baggies that I can pick and choose from when packing my lunch in the morning. I will start going to the gym before class each morning to walk on the treadmill before class – the only exercise I can do for the next 40 days.

            While the HCG diet promises huge results, I am realistic. It’s not a cure-all. It’s a plan. It’s a start of a journey that my doctor says will take two years to get me to goal weight.

            But its worth it. I have been saying I have to find the balance for awhile and its time. I love my job and love what I do, but I really do have to reclaim a little time for me. I never want to not be able to sit into a chair in a theater. I never want to be uncomfortable why flying. My weight is effecting my life now and its time for me to change that.

            So here goes nothing.