Just mad.

            So tonight I am going to be a bit dramatic. Tonight I am mad.

            I am mad at my body. I am mad that I let myself gain the weight back I lost two years ago. I am mad that I don’t have a metabolism that allows me to eat whatever I want. I am mad that my body is sore from carrying around my body weight. I’m mad that I can’t eat chips and have a Dr. Pepper. I’m just mad.

            There is nothing that in particular that has set me off tonight. I had a great dinner (added some hot salsa on top of some chicken as it went with my general mood) and I haven’t gotten off track but that doesn’t mean I am not frustrated. I have a great supportive family (especially my sister who is dealing with this on the front lines) and I have incredibly supportive friends who are cheering me along. I don't begrudge any of of those blessings.

            But I am grieving that I have to make changes. It’s so much easier to just be free. It’s easier to pick up dinner on the way home. I really want a glass of wine.

            But I know rationally that that “easier” got me where I am today. And I know that I don’t want to go back there. I want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to fit in the seats of Broadway theaters comfortably. I don’t want to ever worry on an airplane again that someone will refuse to sit next to me. I want to be healthy. I have a horrible family history and I don’t want to make it any easier for diabetes or high blood pressure to take hold. I guess I’m mad that I have to make these hard decisions period.

            I think that it’s ok for me to be mad. I’ll go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow and I won’t be mad anymore. It's not in my nature to be mad. I do not begrudge the blessings in my life and I'll remember them very clearly in the morning.

But that is tomorrow.

And for now, I'll just be mad.