The Girl In the Mirror

I created this blog earlier this year after I auditioned for the Biggest Loser. I was motivated and fired up to lose weight, despite the fact I didn't get chosen for the show. I dieted for a few weeks, maybe a month and life got in the way again.

Well, I am back on that horse and a friend of mine mentioned he thought I should blog my experiences. So I am going to - and I plan to stick around longer than the three posts of last time.

I have struggled to lose weight my entire life. I work out, I eat well, I follow the plans and I lose slowly and sometimes steadily. But my problem has always been my motivation. I have never stuck with it. Even eight years ago, when I lost 100 pounds by busting my rear twice a day and eating next to nothing, I let it go. I don't know why I do this - but I want and I have to believe this time can be different.

Maybe the stars are simply aligned for me this time.

I've never been in a place where I was completely supported in this quest - at home, at work and at the gym. Yes, I have had a mixture of these.... but its just never all been there in the right mix. I am hoping that it is this time. I feel that it is this time.

I moved home over the summer to be closer to my family and to enjoy having a city life. I am loving my city life. Maybe that I am now home - to the city that grew up in and love - I can actually stop and focus on me. I have no other distractions. I am not so busy at school that I don't know my own name. I decided when I moved this summer and accepted my new teaching position that I would be a little selfish this time. I wouldn't get talked into jobs and duties I didn't want or need. And I think that being selfish will help me in my quest.

Another huge advantage is that I am living at home with my amazing family (until my house sells). My parents and I are competing to lose weight. We are calling it our Willeby Biggest Loser contest. It's a fun way to get serious. But we are serious. Between us we lost nearly 10 pounds in our first week. We are all doing our own things and our own systems but we are supporting each other. We are cooking healthy and planning out menus. With all of the busy lives we live, having four people in the house to be a part of this planning and cooking helps greatly. Yes, we all want to be the winner in the end. But we all also want to be healthy and much thinner in the process.

My other ace in the whole is my new life at the gym. Now let me tell you, I have been a member of many gyms. But I've never really felt home at a gym. Even as an employee at the YMCA in Waco, I still felt like a guest of sorts. I am so happy at my new gym in Katy. I splurged when I joined and signed up for training sessions with A. A is going to be my ace in the hole. He is going to be my motivation and my will to keep going when I simply want out.

Tonight I had my second training with A, which very possibly was the hardest 50 minutes of my entire life. We walked back to a corner of the gym and I watched pull out a step, much like I've seen them jump up on the Biggest Loser ranch. I was terrified. He wanted me to DO WHAT?

He didn't want me to jump, he wanted me to squat and I happily did as he said, after not having to jump onto the bench. But as I did the squats, I looked at myself in the mirror in front of me. I mean, I really looked at myself. And as I did, I didn't recognize the girl that looked back at me. It's not the face or the body I recognize or understand. I am not sure where this body came from but I'm ready to change it.

The Girl in the Mirror is not the girl that stands and teaches in my classroom each day. The Girl in the Mirror is not the person who laughs and loves her friends and family. The real girl is trapped inside a body that aches from the weight it carries.

I don't look at many mirrors. In fact, I avoid them. As I sat there squatting on the bench, I looked at myself and made myself a promise. I am going to do whatever I can to find the girl that is in the mirror of my mind. It's not going to be easy and I won't be successful everytime I put one foot in front of the other. But if I really want this - I mean really want this - I can do this.

I deserve it.

So the thing about being on vacation.....

is that I can still be good! I have always had a problem with staying on track when I was away from my routine. I would be good when I was in Waco living my day to day life. But the minute I drove away for some R & R, somehow I got reprogrammed to doing as I wanted.

Well, thats not going to work. I love to travel. I love to take short weekend trips. And I can't "get off" track everytme I do this or I will never achieve my goals. My "real life" is always going to include weekend trips and changes in routine. But my lifestyle has to be able to adjust to match my changes in routine.

This Spring Break is my first big challenge. I first spent a few days "at the cabin." The cabin, by nature, is full of alochol and junk food. But my basket at the S & S looked a little different this time. It included bananas, pretzels and Special K breakfast bars. It was healthy. Yes, I had wine this weekend but I made it fit into my daily allowance of points and a few of my weekly free points. I walked at the cabin. And then, today when I got my parents house, I walked two miles in the neighborhood. I can always find ways to still get in the movement I need. I just have to be creative and do it.

SO the thing about being on vacation is that I can still be successful. I can still lose weight. I can still exercise. I can still stay "on program." And somehow, I know I will feel even more successful when I do.

I'm a Weight Watcher....

That sounds like it could be a commerical for Weight Watchers.

I had my weekly meeting today. It's a sad state when the only meeting that I can even (partially) make each week is during my lunch/conference on Wednesday. But its working so I won't argue it.

So as I sat today and listened to the stages of Weight Loss (do they correspond with the stages of grief? I digress...), I couldn't help but to feel lucky. Very very lucky.

I have a great plan that is working for me (lost another 1 lb this week for 12.4 total). I have a great leader who was actually the leader of my all-time favorite leader who retired from leading meetings a few years back. I am getting to know the group but regardless its a comfortable place.

I am lucky that Weight Watchers is a program that works. I feel in control of my eating and even my exercise. I look forward to weighing in every Wednesday and its been a long time since I have looked forward to weighing in weekly. But its working now and I look forward to Wednesdays.

It was funny listening to my leader Mary today talk about how each and every person has the power in them to lose weight. How we short-change ourselves about our abilities to lose weight. Why is this? As she put it, "You believe you can climb a mountain but you don't think you can do this. But you can."

Isn't that the truth.

Auditioning for The Biggest Loser - Thoughts and Realizations

So, its 11:01 and I didn't receive a (callback) phone call. But you know, its alright. I am actually ok with not making it on the show. I think just going through the audition process taught me so much and very possibly changed my life.

As I stood this morning, in the 39 degree temperature, for four hours, I looked around at the hundreds of people around me. SO many of the people had no hope. No hope in the change they could do for themselves. You could see it in the way they stood, the way they moved, the way they talked. And as I looked around, I realized that is is not who I want to be, ever. We sit at home and watch the Biggest Loser and see the miracle results. But what we somehow manage to not notice is that the change comes from inside the contestants. It doesn't matter who the trainer is yelling at them on the treadmill, each person has their own power.

So as much fun as it would be to be on "the ranch", I have the power right here. I think I have always known this. But there is something in me now that helped me get a hold of it, to grasp it. I have lost 12 pounds in the past month, by working out and eating right (Weight Watchers). I have this power... we all have this power. I am going to start using mine now.

I don't know if I will ever be at a place again where applying for the show makes sense, but I do feel that just going through the audition changed me. I am so excited to be on a plan already. So excited to go to the gym tomorrow. So excited to do what I have been doing and add to it.

It's amazing to me the lessons that God teaches us in weird places. I went to auditions today wanting to be on a television show. I walked away with a few new friends (spent the last two hours texting with one!) and a whole new outlook. Maybe that was what "his" plan was for me all along.