Some Random - Yet, Really Cool - Things

A Size 20

In an effort to afford school work today, I went shopping with mom. I wanted one pair of jeans and one pair of shorts that fit me correctly before I leave for Europe later this week. Mom needed new travel clothes as well.

So off we went. And went I got to the store, I started pulling size 22's off the shelf. I was a 24 mostly last time I bought jeans and as my 24s are huge now, I knew that I needed to go down. I took my clothes into the dressing room and tried things on. Most of my 22s fit great. This was exciting enough. THEN I tried on my jeans. The 22s were big. And I mean BIG. So I decided to try the 20. I had no illusion that they would actually fit. I mean last time I lost weight all those years ago, I never got to a 20. I figured I would be leaving without jeans as I was just in between sizes.

Then I tried on the 20s. And then fit like a glove. And I couldn't believe it. I look at my mom with a complete shock. She wasn't surprised as she is my number one cheerleader always and forever. But the 20s fit. In another 20 or so pounds, I will hopefully move out of the 20s. I haven't bought jeans or pants outside of the 20s in more years than I care to remember. It opens up my doors. I see the results of my success everyday but I still don't know how to accept it sometimes. And sometimes I just have to smile and let it sink in. The 20s fit.

Crossing My Legs

So I've always thought that women that could cross their legs were sexy. I always noticed how effortlessly thin people could cross their legs and sit comfortably for hours that way. It has never been me.

And over the past few weeks, I've realized that it is me. Now don't get me wrong, I can't cross them for hours effortlessly, but I can cross them for a reasonable amount of time. It doesn't hurt, its not uncomfortable. And I find that I do it subconsciously now.

I'll be damned if I'm not going to be one of those girls who can cross her legs. And I have to say, my calf muscles look pretty good when one leg is thrown over the over. Thanks, A for all those calf exercises that I despise.

The Seat belt - Again

Driving home today, I realized that I won't need a seat belt extender when I get on the plane to travel to the UK on Friday. At Spring Break I didn't need it - barely. But on Friday, when I sit into the seat, I am going to fit comfortable and buckle my seat belt with no sweating, grunting or struggling.

What a great way to start my trip.

So Close, Once Again

Seven years ago I had a lot of success losing weight. I lost almost 100 pounds. I never hit that 100 pound mark. I was close - so very close - and yet I didn't let myself reach that point.

So here I am again - so close. I've currently lost 93 pounds total and I'm seven pounds away. Yet, this time is different. I will hit it this time. I can see myself well beyond this goal. I can see myself in a size 10. I can see myself in a small wedding dress someday. I can see myself running triathlons and running the MS 150.

Hitting the 100 pound goal is a huge accomplishment. But it is not THE accomplishment. It's just a milestone. I'll celebrate and I'll go to the gym the next day. It's just part of the journey - not the end. Yes, some days its frustrating to think I've come this far and still have so far to go. But at the end of the day, its just how it is. Focusing on the frustratations of the unchangeable circumstances aren't going to make it any different.

So I choose to celebrate and continue. And eventually, I will celebrate losing another 100 pounds. And eventually, I will fit into those smaller clothes and be in the shape of my life.

And at the end of the day - I can't say that I would have it any other way.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

So today, I hit a new point with A, and more importantly with myself.

This week was my first week of this crazy four week graduate program. I've been in class for 12 hours a day, eaten lunch while studying, worked out each morning at 7 a.m. (leaving my house at 6 a.m. to go work out) and had scheduled my weekly workout session with my trainer for this morning.

Today also happened to be my monthly weigh-in. I weighed in and had lost 10 pounds for the month. THIS is a good month. There is nothing anywhere that can convince me that it wasn't. The not so good came from the fact that I didn't lose inches. Everything was stagnant. And while I love losing pounds, I even more enjoy watching the inches go down each month.

A was a little worried. He talked about maybe I need to eat less, etc. And I stopped him. It hit me - for the first time since I started this journey - I have to put my life ahead of my weight loss.

I've paid a great deal to be a part of this graduate program. It means a lot to me. I'm enjoying every single moment of it and I'm proud to be a part of it. And while I am still going to get up two hours earlier than I have to so that I can make it to the campus gym and while I am still going to pack my healthy lunch and snacks, I am going to focus on school for a month. And that is OK. It simply has to to be.

I feel like I have been practicing for this for almost a year. I have been learning how to juggle busy schedules with a healthy lifestyle. I have learned how to cope with stress and learned how to make good decisions. I've learned all of these things about me with the knowledge that eventually I was going to have to use these skills. And here I am. The rubber is officially meeting the road and I have to make it work.

I'm still passionate about losing weight. I'm still far from my goal and I still thank God everyday for the success I have had and all of the amazing things it has brought into my life. But for the first time - it can't be in the forefront of my thoughts. With my 12 hour school days, followed by my two hours of studying each night, I have to sleep sometime. And I have to eat high protein foods so that my brain will still absorb into at 8 p.m. at night when I got up at 5:45 that morning. I have to do these things.

It's only a month. My goal for this month is to lose weight. My goal is to stay on track - without having to put every ounce of energy I have into it. I've been preparing for this test just as I've studying for quizzes this week and writing papers. Now, I am going to be tested. And I will succeed.

I have no choice.

Lots of New

I haven't written in a few weeks. I've been busy. I've been busy with a lot of NEW.

New has always been scary to me. I like routine. I like knowing what is coming my way. I like knowing what my schedule is going to look like. I like knowing when and where I can do the things I need to do.

But my life - as of late - has been shaken up.

I have a new job. I'm still getting used to my new - and still changing body. I have a new boy. I start a new chapter in my schooling on Monday. All of these things in my life are great and welcome. Yet, now I need to stop and figure out how to juggle all of the new that is hitting me at once.

So far - I think I've done alright. I have taken these past four weeks to work out A LOT. I went in the mornings, leaving my house for the gym before my sister headed to work some mornings. I worked out in the evenings. I ate healthy. I slept a lot. I read theater theory, I memorized monologues and a certain Shakespeare sonnet which ate my lunch. I went on dates. But most important, I took care of myself. I didn't stress. I didn't freak out because my schedule wasn't set. I just let it happen.

And what I learned in just letting it all happen is that I can still make the good choices. I have lost 12 pounds this month. It's one of my biggest months since the beginning of this journey. And yet, I have been less structured than ever before. I trusted in my abilities to make good choices and still live my life. And I still succeeded.

I'm going to remember this in the coming weeks. Monday I embark on 12 hour class days and from what I've been warned - crazy amounts of homework. And I'm going to still try to juggle this great guy, my family and friends and prep work for my new job at my new school. And yet, I am more confident now than ever before that I can still be successful. I can do this.

I've made plans. I'm going to work out in the mornings and enjoy it. I'm going to bring my lunch and dinner everyday. I'm going to work during lunches and dinners when I can. I'm going to make this work. And in six weeks - when I return from Europe - I will be even lighter and even more healthy.

Life happens. And it's an absolutely beautiful life. It's time for me to really live it.

The Real Climb

Sorry these pictures are wayyyyy out of order. :) I don't seem to be intelligent enough to order them correctly. :)

Now what? Oh, yeah, I guess I have to go down now. :)

From the top! What a view...

The bottom looking up.

Me at the bottom, before I have started my trek!

The trail that would kick my arse!

So happy driving.

I went climbing today. I nearly stopped, several times. But I made it to the top. Here is the story.

While on my short little road trip across Texas, I visited my friend Cortney in Vernon, Texas. Mapquest told me that it would take me home through the DFW area. That wouldn’t have been bad but I wasn’t quite ready to end my get-away. I decided I still needed a day – one that would just be for me.

So I did my Priceline magic and got a room for the night in Fredericksburg. I knew I loved the Hill country and that it was good for my soul. So after my hotel room was in place, I started looking at things around the area. And it hit me – Enchanted Rock.

I knew Enchanted Rock was near Fredericksburg and Llano. And as many times as I have made the trip to Llano with my good friends, we had never made the trip to Enchanted Rock. So I made up my mind. I was going to climb that sucker. I mean besides – I’m in good shape, it should be easy. I was a little mislead about just exactly how good of shape I am in.

So I left Vernon about 8:30 Monday morning and headed down through West Texas towards the Hill Country. I had frozen my water bottles the night before and bought sunscreen and a hat for the climb. I knew it would be hot but I was ready for that.

Then I arrived. I had seen pictures of Enchanted Rock. I knew that Summit Trail was just over a half of a mile with a climb of 650 to 800 feet. Yet, I really had no idea just how high that is and just how much it would hurt as I pushed my still 300 plus body up that granite hill.

I started off with a good pace. It was a slight climb. It was uneven and rocky but I felt that I had my footing pretty well in place. This is so like when I started losing weight. It was somewhat easy in the beginning. I still had the energy and the excitement of starting a new journey. My feelings in the beginning stages of the climb reminded me of those first couple weeks where I was losing large numbers easy week and was still really excited about the exercise and everything that came with it.

Then it got harder. The rock steps gave way to just smooth granite steep hills. I stood there today and wondered what I had gotten myself into. My body still felt ok – although it was taking longer for me to catch my breathe. I pride myself that I can recover after a crazy spinning song really fast. Well, a few hundred feet up – your body just doesn’t recover quite as well. Or so I learned.

But I took my time. I would pick a point and climb to it. This is what I have been doing for so long. I’ve been setting these little goals and busting my rear to get to them. I would have to keep reminding myself to look behind me – to see just what I had accomplished. I don’t do this enough in this journey. I get frustrated with the road ahead of me and if I would stop to look back a bit more I think some of that frustration would ease.

As I got higher and higher, it got steeper and harder for me. I watched people pass me barely out of breathe. It bothered me. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I have worked so hard to NOT be that girl. And yet, there I was – 8 months later – 80 pounds lighter – in great shape – and hurting and struggling for breathe as I climbed the giant.

I sat down to respond to a text message that I had received. It was from my best friend. I told him I wanted to quit even though I was near the top of the mountain. I told him I was hurting. And I told him that I was tired of quitting when it got too hard.

I knew he would write me back and encourage me. But I actually didn’t need it. All I needed to see was that I DON’T want to quit in writing. I don’t want to be that girl who gives up so easy. So I stood and keep climbing. I got to the edge of the top plateau. It’s huge for those of you who haven’t been to Enchanted Rock. I didn’t walk the entire top. I just stood there. I caught my breathe (for a long time), took some pictures and took it all in.

I had no idea when I decided to visit Enchanted Rock that it would become such a monumental thing for me. I had no idea it would be so hard. I had no idea that those old habits of wanting to quit when it gets too hard would come racing back to me. But then did. And I dealt with it.

Despite my recent set back, maybe – just maybe – I have come a lot further than I thought. Maybe I do have what it takes inside of me. I still have lots of mountains to climb. But now I know – that at my own pace, with my willpower – I can make it to the top.

Yep, I can climb any mountain. Let the games begin.

My New Normal

Tomorrow I have my monthly weigh-in and measurement session with my trainer. And for the first time since I started this journey back in September, I am scared. I don't think it was a good month.

I've been thinking all day about how I got off track. I guess what is strange to me is how easily it happened. Now don't get me wrong, I haven't leaped face first off a building into a large peanut butter cup Blizzard. But I have gotten complacent.

I have still been working out but maybe not quite as hard. I think I am in a rut. I go through the motions but I don't always have the desire and will to be there. Last week, I was complaining through a certain - rather painful - set of ab exercises. A just laughed - as he loves to torture me - and told me that with my willpower, I can get through it. That has been the case all along. That was the case the first time I got on a spin bike - with the plan to make it through 30 minutes of class and then crawl away to lick my wounds (or ice my sore regions) - and made it through the hour. But somehow - somewhere - in the midst of the end of the school year, the stress with the uncertainty of where I will call my school home next year and everything else, I seem to have misplaced that willpower.

And probably even more damaging that my lack of zest at the gym has been my eating. Again, I haven't gone crazy. I haven't picked back up my habit of buying a family size bag of Reece's peanut butter cups and eating the whole bag - in one evening. I haven't had any ice cream (my nemesis). But I have been having that extra handful of Goldfish. Or maybe that second serving of dinner with I didn't need it. I let those bad habits of stress eating creep back in. It's not a good thing. It's not something I wanted to ever see happen. But it did so I have to learn from it and keep moving along.

But maybe its a good life lesson. Life is going to happen always. I am always going to reach stressful points in my life. I am going to hit highs and lows. All of that is normal. What has to become my new normal is how I deal with it. I have to find that way to deal with it and not let it ruin my success or knock me off track. This journey I am on isn't a quick trip. I'm not going to reach these goals overnight. So in the meantime, I have to continue to work on me. I have to continue to tweak this new normal. There is no one or no situation that I can blame for getting off track. This is me - and only me. And me- and only me - can get myself back on track.

So tomorrow when I get back on the scale with A, I will hold my breathe and hope for the best. I will hope the inches show some success where maybe the scale fails me. But more important than what the data is going to show me tomorrow is that it will be a fresh start. I will walk out of the gym tomorrow morning with a new resolve to get back on track.

I will take that resolve on my week trip around the state. I went through tonight and made a plan of workouts around the state for this quick road trip. I am going to workout with former students in Waco and no doubt I'll workout with one of my biggest supporters who I am visiting in West Texas. I am going to make this work.

This is my new normal. The quicker I accept it, the happier I am going to be.

A Catalyst

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.-- Mary Engelbreit

Usually I write about me. I write about my issues and struggles, my successes and neurosis. Today is a little different. I am going to write about you.
When I started this journey, I decided I was going to be completely transparent. I was going to post everything. I was going to be honest and not hide things. There is nothing quite like posting that you weight over 350 pounds on your Facebook for your entire world to see.
But I knew when I did, I would be accountable to a level that I hadn’t been before. And that has been the case.

What I didn’t expect was that people would say that I am an inspiration. I feel so unworthy of that. The simple truth – as least as I see it – is that I just found something inside me – a drive, a desire, a want – that has made it work this time.

And the even simpler truth – is that we all have it inside us. When my friends post and say I am an inspiration, I don’t deserve it. I am so humbled by that label. If I inspire anything, I just want them to learn how to look deep inside them selves and find what I know is there. Any of us has the ability to change, we just have to want it.

And as Engelbreit said, if we can’t change it then we need to change the way we look at it. And that is what I have done. And that is what each of us can do.

We can look at our weight struggles, or image struggles or esteem struggles as obstacles that are too daunting to ever face. When I started this journey, I was at 388 pounds. That is a huge number. It’s a daunting number. It’s easy to look at it as I would never be able to overcome it.

But this time, I didn’t look at it that way. I was finally in a better place. I was happy in Houston with my family. I was immediately surrounded by supportive people that loved me. I was in a job that allowed me a lot of time to be able to focus on myself. All of the ducks were in the correct rows. And when all of that happened, that drive and desire that I had buried all those years deep inside me was easy to access.

And this is the case for everyone. We can all find that desire. Anyone can change and grow. We all have struggles and things we want to improve upon ourselves. I truly believe that everything we need to succeed and overcome our personal obstacles is within ourselves. I was lucky enough to be in the right place to find it. I was lucky enough to have the right catalysts in my life.

And so I have one hope for my friends who hope to make positive changes in their lives be it with exercise and diet or some other area. I hope that if you are still looking for that catalyst to help you find that desire and strength within yourselves – that I can help you be that catalyst.

I’m not doing anything that hundreds of thousands of people haven’t already done for years. But if my success shows you that all of us – even us normal people with lives and families and jobs and stress – can accomplish this, then I am happy that my success has inspired you.

And if I can help you – I will. I want my struggles to help others as well. Because all of you – with your comments and support – have helped me in this journey more than I can ever thank you. I would love to repay the favor.

My Life – as a Reality Show

So this morning one of my friends posed an intriguing question on his Facebook. He asked “If your life was a reality show, what would it be called?” This got me to thinking. I can’t say it would be one show – but a mixture of many. So here goes.

Biggest Loser – Willeby Style

Of course, I have to start with the Biggest Loser. It was the motivation back in September for my family and me to start this journey. It has been a motivation for me for years. Trying out for the show two years ago was an experience that taught me more about myself in a six hour window of time than I have probably learned in spans of years. Here are a few other comparisons.

So many days, my life does look like an episode of our favorite tear-inducing show. I have a trainer, who kicks my butt regularly. Granted, he doesn’t kick my butt for six or eight hours a day, seven days a week but he still makes a huge difference.
I feel like I live at the gym. I spent between and hour and two hours there each night, depending on the day of the week. Some weeks, I think I spend more of my waking hours at the gym than I do at home.

I yell and cry about the whole process. Granted – not nearly as much. And probably not nearly as dramatically. But I do get frustrated. When I have a lousy weigh-in or a measurement that just baffles me (like last week), I get frustrated. I don’t cry and yell at my trainer or at the gym. But I have my moments – usually in solitude – where I deal with the emotional roller coaster that is major weight loss.

Top Chef – The Healthy Challenge Season

I cook a lot. I’ve gotten to where I enjoy cooking for my family. I like taking recipes and trying them. I love taking things that have long been a staple in my family’s food life and making them healthier.

Over Mother’s Day weekend, we had my family over to the house. We were celebrating Mother’s Day, my aunt and grandmother’s birthdays and my cousin’s graduation from nursing school. Mom wanted me to make cupcakes. So I did. But I didn’t just make them normal – I used a can of diet soda instead of the oil and eggs. I had always heard a lot about this ole weight watchers trick. I had read about it online. But I hadn’t tried it. It was a hit. Score a point for healthy cooking.

I love cookbooks and loving trying new fruits and vegetables. I am beyond excited about my dad’s garden because it is producing so many fresh fruits and vegetables already. I will be grilling fresh zucchini and squash tonight with our chicken for dinner.

I won’t claim that everything I cook is good – because well, I’ve had some questionable experiments. But all chef’s – even those this season on Top Chef Masters – don’t always get it right. For me the fun is in the trying to get it right and knowing that I am being so much better to my body by feeding it well.

The Tour de France – A Day in the Life of

I love spinning. If you are one of my faithful five readers, you probably have figured this one out. Or I’ve probably told you a million times by now. But it’s the truth.

I am in great shape right now. Yes, I still have 150 pounds to lose, but my heart is in good shape and I feel pretty confident in most exercise situations right now. BUT I am still a big girl. And I still have to take care of my knees and my joints – which is where spinning comes in.

On a spin bike, I’m not a 310 girl anymore. I’m a healthy, fast, STRONG rider. I can do 10 or 12 minute endurance rides (meaning standing up in the saddle the entire time) rather easily. In fact, I typically add resistance or other things to make it a little more challenging.

I don’t worry if my knee is going to go out or if my ankle is going to start hurting after spinning. I just know that I am strong and I can hang with most anyone in the class. I love this feeling. I have never before been one of the stronger ones in any aerobics class. But it’s a feeling that I love and cherish. It’s a feeling that makes me so faster and longer and harder. It gives me a sense of accomplishment.

I still do a large variety of exercises - machines and classes. But I heart spinning. I look forward to spinning. I think about it when I get up in the morning. In a way, I am on my own Tour de self.

The Twilight Zone, the episode where “Everything Changes”

So much about this process and everything is surreal to me. It’s hard to believe. It’s hard to understand.

I look at myself in the mirror and I am not sure who is looking back at me sometimes. I love this woman. I like the way I look and I take a great joy in the little changes that continue to happen in my body. Recently, while on a spin bike I looked down my arm and noticed a tiny bit of definition. I mean a TINY bit. But it’s definition. And it looks great. And it still surprises me that its there.

The rational me knows that I have worked my rear off to get here. But the skeptical side of me still can’t believe its happening. I like mirrors. I look in them often. And I still find myself wondering who that person is that is looking back.

I like clothes and I am falling in love with shopping. I have gotten interested in jewelry and have even bought some costume jewelry. This is kind of a wild thing for the girl who doesn’t even wear a watch. And its going to turn into a very expensive endeavor I am sure.

I wear makeup every day. Yes, every day. It’s weird. And if you’ve known me for any length of time, you know that something major has changed in me to make me wear makeup EVERY day. It’s a shocker.

All of these things are fun and new and exciting and even though I am nine months into this process, I still can’t believe they are happening to me. Every time I step on the scale, I expect my weight to be in the 380s again. Again, logically I know it’s not going to happen. But emotionally and irrationally, I still feel like this is all a dream.

Everything has changed.

And I don’t want to wake up.