Changing

Everything has changed.

My clothing sizes have changed. My stamina has changed. My eating habits have changed. My stress levels have changed. My priorities have changed.

Simply put, I have changed.

On September 13th, I embarked on a journey. I was full of hope and excitement. But then again, I was always full of hope and excitement when I started new diets. I had no idea of knowing that this time would be different. That the changes would really come from the inside out. But they have.

So many things have made my success possible. I am at home and my family has been so supportive and we have made this journey together. Both my parents have lost weight as well and we have cheered each other on all along. We were competing for money but it was so much more than that. It was wanting for all of us to be healthy. Several weeks I had the lowest percentage of weight loss (even one week when I lost nearly 5 pounds) but I was always happy to have that problem because it meant that one of my parents had a good week.

And as funny as it sounds, I think I have finally become ok with being a little selfish. I have spent money on myself - be in my trainer, my bodybugg, or my new workout clothes. I am more selfish with my time. I am still a good person and still want to help people but I have finally gotten where I put myself above some. I've always had a hard time putting myself first. But by putting everyone else before me, I have gotten to ths place. But its getting easier. I find time to workout and I actually enjoy that time. I don't feel guilty spending money on my trainer or new tennis shoes. I put a picture on my phone a month ago that says "The Time is Now." And you know what, I actually believe it.

Tonight I registered for a 5K race called The Resolultion Run. It's a 5K that begins at midnight on New Year's Eve, set to the backdrop of fireworks. It's going to be cold. It's going to be a blast. And its symbolic. Just like the last three months, next year is all about change and my new life. It's about embracing my new life - eating right, taking on new challenges. This race is a challenge. I have no illusions that I will run a 5K. But I will run some of it. And I will walk the rest proudly, with Khrista by my side. Not only will it be a good workout, but it will be a symbol. Things are happening and changing and there is no turning back.

Yes, I am changing. And it feels so great.

The Future

So tonight on the elliptical, I was jamming to my favorite mix of music and thinking. Just thinking about nothing serious - just letting my mind wonder. This is my new favorite activity to do while on the ellipical or the exercise bike. I read sometimes but I have amazingly gotten to a place that I am ok just being. Just enjoying time in my head - or not even in my head. I truely try to leave stresses outside of the gym and let that be my time.

Anyways, back to my story. I was on the ellipitical and I started thinking about the future. I was daydreaming about my future husband that I will meet someday (you know - educated, a lover of the arts, funny, family-oriented) and it hit me. I was thinking about the future and I was seeing a skinny (or at least a much skinnier) me. I have often seen a thinner me in my daydreams but those visions were always cut short when my reality came crashing in on me. My reality that I have many months - if not years - ahead of me to get to that vision. It's not a bad thing - its my journey - but that reality has always been part of the problem.

And tonight - when I was jamming and sweating on the ellipitical - that reality didn't come in and crush my daydreams. I thought about that future I will have with my Mr. Right and I didn't instantly get frustrated by knowing that it would be a long time until that Kendra in my mind was a reality. It wasn't until 15 mins later that I realized what I had been doing.

I don't know what it means but I know it means something. I know that we have to focus on the milestones and little successes and I plan to. I mean I celebrate each week on Facebook and with my family when the scale is my friend. I celebrate good workouts and good torture sessions with Adrian. I celebrate my mom and dad's success. But while I celebrate the milestones as they come, I am not focused on them. I am looking to the future. There isn't a time frame on this future but I know there is a future of me as a healthier person.

And from here - I am loving what that future in my mindscape looks like.

My Climb

For my birthday several weeks ago, I got a gift card to ITunes. So last week, I sat down to download some new songs and create my perfect workout Soundtrack. Most of the songs are upbeat, fast paced and are songs that motivate me to push harder on the elliptical machine or whatever I am doing while I am listening to it.

Except for the last song on my play list. It's my motivational song. It's my cool down song, although I often find myself listening to it at the beginning of each workout and then going back to the beginning.

And while I am embarrassed to admit the artist, I am not embarrassed that the lyrics of the song speak to me. They seem to sum up my journey and my battle with my weight for all these years. The song, by Miley Cyrus, truly describes -

The Climb.

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

We all have it. We all have that self-sabotage gene - that little pesky guy that sits there and tells us that the job is too hard, that it hurts too much, that it doesn't matter. And in my situation, where I have so much to lose, I have let that pesky self-sabotage do his job again and again. I have believed him when he said "You'll never reach it." Even 7 years ago, when I lost nearly 100 pounds by eating right and dieting, I left him win in the end. I changed jobs, my life got crazy and I gave up. But I believe this time is different. And when I hear that little fellow start his crazy talk, I have to remember that listening to him has gotten me no where. It's gotten me here - back at the beginning.

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

This is the point at which I have quit each time. When I have a temporary set back, its easy to quit. But this time, I have safe guarded myself against these. I know they will happen. But at the same time, I have my mom and dad going through the same battle who will lift me up. I have Adrian at the gym who I have paid a huge amount to care who is going to help me figure out the problem. When I lose my direction, this web of support I have created, will get me back on track. My support system online through my blog and through Facebook will lead me back. This time I am not wandering my path alone. I have made sure I people walking the journey with me so that we can all stay on track.

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

And this is where I am. I am going to keep trying. I am going to make those good decisions such as staying away from the dessert table at yesterday's family reunion. I am going to keep my head up when things may not go my way. I am going to celebrate each success - be in a great workout or a good weigh-in. I am going to stay positive about the uphill battle that I am on. I am going to enjoy the sore muscles and occasional aches. I am going to appreciate that The Climb is what is going to keep me honest and in the end is what is going to bring me the most pride. If it was too easy, I wouldn't take it seriously. And my health and my future are definitely things to take seriously.

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

I'm going to remember why I started this journey. I am going to remember that I didn't get to this place quickly and that I am not going to get to my new me quickly either. I am going to keep being strong, even when it means a trip to the gym when I am bone weary and exhausted. I simply - as the song says - going to just keep pushing on.

The Girl In the Mirror

I created this blog earlier this year after I auditioned for the Biggest Loser. I was motivated and fired up to lose weight, despite the fact I didn't get chosen for the show. I dieted for a few weeks, maybe a month and life got in the way again.

Well, I am back on that horse and a friend of mine mentioned he thought I should blog my experiences. So I am going to - and I plan to stick around longer than the three posts of last time.

I have struggled to lose weight my entire life. I work out, I eat well, I follow the plans and I lose slowly and sometimes steadily. But my problem has always been my motivation. I have never stuck with it. Even eight years ago, when I lost 100 pounds by busting my rear twice a day and eating next to nothing, I let it go. I don't know why I do this - but I want and I have to believe this time can be different.

Maybe the stars are simply aligned for me this time.

I've never been in a place where I was completely supported in this quest - at home, at work and at the gym. Yes, I have had a mixture of these.... but its just never all been there in the right mix. I am hoping that it is this time. I feel that it is this time.

I moved home over the summer to be closer to my family and to enjoy having a city life. I am loving my city life. Maybe that I am now home - to the city that grew up in and love - I can actually stop and focus on me. I have no other distractions. I am not so busy at school that I don't know my own name. I decided when I moved this summer and accepted my new teaching position that I would be a little selfish this time. I wouldn't get talked into jobs and duties I didn't want or need. And I think that being selfish will help me in my quest.

Another huge advantage is that I am living at home with my amazing family (until my house sells). My parents and I are competing to lose weight. We are calling it our Willeby Biggest Loser contest. It's a fun way to get serious. But we are serious. Between us we lost nearly 10 pounds in our first week. We are all doing our own things and our own systems but we are supporting each other. We are cooking healthy and planning out menus. With all of the busy lives we live, having four people in the house to be a part of this planning and cooking helps greatly. Yes, we all want to be the winner in the end. But we all also want to be healthy and much thinner in the process.

My other ace in the whole is my new life at the gym. Now let me tell you, I have been a member of many gyms. But I've never really felt home at a gym. Even as an employee at the YMCA in Waco, I still felt like a guest of sorts. I am so happy at my new gym in Katy. I splurged when I joined and signed up for training sessions with A. A is going to be my ace in the hole. He is going to be my motivation and my will to keep going when I simply want out.

Tonight I had my second training with A, which very possibly was the hardest 50 minutes of my entire life. We walked back to a corner of the gym and I watched pull out a step, much like I've seen them jump up on the Biggest Loser ranch. I was terrified. He wanted me to DO WHAT?

He didn't want me to jump, he wanted me to squat and I happily did as he said, after not having to jump onto the bench. But as I did the squats, I looked at myself in the mirror in front of me. I mean, I really looked at myself. And as I did, I didn't recognize the girl that looked back at me. It's not the face or the body I recognize or understand. I am not sure where this body came from but I'm ready to change it.

The Girl in the Mirror is not the girl that stands and teaches in my classroom each day. The Girl in the Mirror is not the person who laughs and loves her friends and family. The real girl is trapped inside a body that aches from the weight it carries.

I don't look at many mirrors. In fact, I avoid them. As I sat there squatting on the bench, I looked at myself and made myself a promise. I am going to do whatever I can to find the girl that is in the mirror of my mind. It's not going to be easy and I won't be successful everytime I put one foot in front of the other. But if I really want this - I mean really want this - I can do this.

I deserve it.

So the thing about being on vacation.....

is that I can still be good! I have always had a problem with staying on track when I was away from my routine. I would be good when I was in Waco living my day to day life. But the minute I drove away for some R & R, somehow I got reprogrammed to doing as I wanted.

Well, thats not going to work. I love to travel. I love to take short weekend trips. And I can't "get off" track everytme I do this or I will never achieve my goals. My "real life" is always going to include weekend trips and changes in routine. But my lifestyle has to be able to adjust to match my changes in routine.

This Spring Break is my first big challenge. I first spent a few days "at the cabin." The cabin, by nature, is full of alochol and junk food. But my basket at the S & S looked a little different this time. It included bananas, pretzels and Special K breakfast bars. It was healthy. Yes, I had wine this weekend but I made it fit into my daily allowance of points and a few of my weekly free points. I walked at the cabin. And then, today when I got my parents house, I walked two miles in the neighborhood. I can always find ways to still get in the movement I need. I just have to be creative and do it.

SO the thing about being on vacation is that I can still be successful. I can still lose weight. I can still exercise. I can still stay "on program." And somehow, I know I will feel even more successful when I do.

I'm a Weight Watcher....

That sounds like it could be a commerical for Weight Watchers.

I had my weekly meeting today. It's a sad state when the only meeting that I can even (partially) make each week is during my lunch/conference on Wednesday. But its working so I won't argue it.

So as I sat today and listened to the stages of Weight Loss (do they correspond with the stages of grief? I digress...), I couldn't help but to feel lucky. Very very lucky.

I have a great plan that is working for me (lost another 1 lb this week for 12.4 total). I have a great leader who was actually the leader of my all-time favorite leader who retired from leading meetings a few years back. I am getting to know the group but regardless its a comfortable place.

I am lucky that Weight Watchers is a program that works. I feel in control of my eating and even my exercise. I look forward to weighing in every Wednesday and its been a long time since I have looked forward to weighing in weekly. But its working now and I look forward to Wednesdays.

It was funny listening to my leader Mary today talk about how each and every person has the power in them to lose weight. How we short-change ourselves about our abilities to lose weight. Why is this? As she put it, "You believe you can climb a mountain but you don't think you can do this. But you can."

Isn't that the truth.

Auditioning for The Biggest Loser - Thoughts and Realizations

So, its 11:01 and I didn't receive a (callback) phone call. But you know, its alright. I am actually ok with not making it on the show. I think just going through the audition process taught me so much and very possibly changed my life.

As I stood this morning, in the 39 degree temperature, for four hours, I looked around at the hundreds of people around me. SO many of the people had no hope. No hope in the change they could do for themselves. You could see it in the way they stood, the way they moved, the way they talked. And as I looked around, I realized that is is not who I want to be, ever. We sit at home and watch the Biggest Loser and see the miracle results. But what we somehow manage to not notice is that the change comes from inside the contestants. It doesn't matter who the trainer is yelling at them on the treadmill, each person has their own power.

So as much fun as it would be to be on "the ranch", I have the power right here. I think I have always known this. But there is something in me now that helped me get a hold of it, to grasp it. I have lost 12 pounds in the past month, by working out and eating right (Weight Watchers). I have this power... we all have this power. I am going to start using mine now.

I don't know if I will ever be at a place again where applying for the show makes sense, but I do feel that just going through the audition changed me. I am so excited to be on a plan already. So excited to go to the gym tomorrow. So excited to do what I have been doing and add to it.

It's amazing to me the lessons that God teaches us in weird places. I went to auditions today wanting to be on a television show. I walked away with a few new friends (spent the last two hours texting with one!) and a whole new outlook. Maybe that was what "his" plan was for me all along.