My Life – as a Reality Show

So this morning one of my friends posed an intriguing question on his Facebook. He asked “If your life was a reality show, what would it be called?” This got me to thinking. I can’t say it would be one show – but a mixture of many. So here goes.

Biggest Loser – Willeby Style

Of course, I have to start with the Biggest Loser. It was the motivation back in September for my family and me to start this journey. It has been a motivation for me for years. Trying out for the show two years ago was an experience that taught me more about myself in a six hour window of time than I have probably learned in spans of years. Here are a few other comparisons.

So many days, my life does look like an episode of our favorite tear-inducing show. I have a trainer, who kicks my butt regularly. Granted, he doesn’t kick my butt for six or eight hours a day, seven days a week but he still makes a huge difference.
I feel like I live at the gym. I spent between and hour and two hours there each night, depending on the day of the week. Some weeks, I think I spend more of my waking hours at the gym than I do at home.

I yell and cry about the whole process. Granted – not nearly as much. And probably not nearly as dramatically. But I do get frustrated. When I have a lousy weigh-in or a measurement that just baffles me (like last week), I get frustrated. I don’t cry and yell at my trainer or at the gym. But I have my moments – usually in solitude – where I deal with the emotional roller coaster that is major weight loss.

Top Chef – The Healthy Challenge Season

I cook a lot. I’ve gotten to where I enjoy cooking for my family. I like taking recipes and trying them. I love taking things that have long been a staple in my family’s food life and making them healthier.

Over Mother’s Day weekend, we had my family over to the house. We were celebrating Mother’s Day, my aunt and grandmother’s birthdays and my cousin’s graduation from nursing school. Mom wanted me to make cupcakes. So I did. But I didn’t just make them normal – I used a can of diet soda instead of the oil and eggs. I had always heard a lot about this ole weight watchers trick. I had read about it online. But I hadn’t tried it. It was a hit. Score a point for healthy cooking.

I love cookbooks and loving trying new fruits and vegetables. I am beyond excited about my dad’s garden because it is producing so many fresh fruits and vegetables already. I will be grilling fresh zucchini and squash tonight with our chicken for dinner.

I won’t claim that everything I cook is good – because well, I’ve had some questionable experiments. But all chef’s – even those this season on Top Chef Masters – don’t always get it right. For me the fun is in the trying to get it right and knowing that I am being so much better to my body by feeding it well.

The Tour de France – A Day in the Life of

I love spinning. If you are one of my faithful five readers, you probably have figured this one out. Or I’ve probably told you a million times by now. But it’s the truth.

I am in great shape right now. Yes, I still have 150 pounds to lose, but my heart is in good shape and I feel pretty confident in most exercise situations right now. BUT I am still a big girl. And I still have to take care of my knees and my joints – which is where spinning comes in.

On a spin bike, I’m not a 310 girl anymore. I’m a healthy, fast, STRONG rider. I can do 10 or 12 minute endurance rides (meaning standing up in the saddle the entire time) rather easily. In fact, I typically add resistance or other things to make it a little more challenging.

I don’t worry if my knee is going to go out or if my ankle is going to start hurting after spinning. I just know that I am strong and I can hang with most anyone in the class. I love this feeling. I have never before been one of the stronger ones in any aerobics class. But it’s a feeling that I love and cherish. It’s a feeling that makes me so faster and longer and harder. It gives me a sense of accomplishment.

I still do a large variety of exercises - machines and classes. But I heart spinning. I look forward to spinning. I think about it when I get up in the morning. In a way, I am on my own Tour de self.

The Twilight Zone, the episode where “Everything Changes”

So much about this process and everything is surreal to me. It’s hard to believe. It’s hard to understand.

I look at myself in the mirror and I am not sure who is looking back at me sometimes. I love this woman. I like the way I look and I take a great joy in the little changes that continue to happen in my body. Recently, while on a spin bike I looked down my arm and noticed a tiny bit of definition. I mean a TINY bit. But it’s definition. And it looks great. And it still surprises me that its there.

The rational me knows that I have worked my rear off to get here. But the skeptical side of me still can’t believe its happening. I like mirrors. I look in them often. And I still find myself wondering who that person is that is looking back.

I like clothes and I am falling in love with shopping. I have gotten interested in jewelry and have even bought some costume jewelry. This is kind of a wild thing for the girl who doesn’t even wear a watch. And its going to turn into a very expensive endeavor I am sure.

I wear makeup every day. Yes, every day. It’s weird. And if you’ve known me for any length of time, you know that something major has changed in me to make me wear makeup EVERY day. It’s a shocker.

All of these things are fun and new and exciting and even though I am nine months into this process, I still can’t believe they are happening to me. Every time I step on the scale, I expect my weight to be in the 380s again. Again, logically I know it’s not going to happen. But emotionally and irrationally, I still feel like this is all a dream.

Everything has changed.

And I don’t want to wake up.

Going Through the Motions

So you’ll have to forgive me here, but as I sat here thinking about writing a new blog post, a certain song from the Buffy Musical episode came to mind. Granted, some of the song – mainly the part about our girl Buffy fighting demons – doesn’t exactly match what I’m feeling – or maybe it does.

Every single night/The same arrangement/I go out and fight the fight

This is my struggle. I work out – A LOT. I do Zumba. I spin. I do the elliptical. I work out with my trainer. I enjoy the sweating. I enjoy the results when I step on the scale. But I’m in a slump. Every single night – I’m just going through the motions. It’s still working and I’m still succeeding but some days, especially the past two weeks, its been hard to make myself go. Once I’m there, I am happy to be sweating and working out.

But some days – I just wish it was different. I wish this wasn’t my burden. I wish that I would get home from work and the gym before 8 p.m. I wish I didn’t HAVE to work this hard. Yes, it may be a bit of a pity party – and I’m sure this too will pass – but its just the way it is.

Going through the motions/Walking through the part/Nothing seems to penetrate my heart/I was always brave/ And kind of righteous/Now I find I’m wavering

I’m strong. I’m proud. I’m going to achieve these goals. I talk the right talk. I say the right things. And for the most part, I’ve been able to match the results with the talk. But what if that stops happening? What if I fail? What if I let people down? I’m so humbled by the people in my life that have chosen to support me and lift me up. What if I fail them? I know that that if I do then that means that I have failed myself first. I want this so bad and its scary to want something this bad.

I was watching a wedding show Sunday and watching a skinny beautiful bride try on dresses. I allowed myself to start daydreaming about trying on small wedding dresses someday. Then I started to feel the panic set in. What if I don’t get there? What if I fail? I’ve been so strong in my resolve this entire time but now I understand the line about wavering. Nothing has changed – I’m still working out, I’m still eating right. But that pesky self-doubt critter is trying to make a nest.

Will I stay this way forever/Sleepwalk through my life’s endeavor/I don’t want to be/Going through the motions/Losing all me drive /I can’t even see if this is really me/And I just want to be Alive

I think this final stanza of the song says is all. I don’t want to be this way forever. Maybe the truth is that for all these years, I’ve simply been sleepwalking through life. I’ve been pretending to be happy and confident. Yes, I am confident at work and in certain areas but not everywhere. I’ve faked it well. I’ve always felt the heat crawl up my neck to my face when I walked into a bar or a crowded room. I’ve always wondered what people thought of me. I’ve always been embarrassed that I could keep up with people walking in a group. Those things have changed and are continuing to change.

I’m not that girl anymore. And I have to figure out the way around this slump. I don’t want to be going through the emotions. I want to be working and succeeding and loving every moment. I know I can get there… but it’s been eight months and I am in a low moment. I’ve been fighting my way back to the living and I am there. Now I have to figure out how to stay here. Because I just want to be ALIVE.

Tears of a Different Emotion

Each week I watch the Biggest Loser and I watch the contestants break down and cry. My mom and I have often talked about why they cry so much. We always decide that it’s the sheet exhaustion that must come with working out six to eight hours a week.
Well, yesterday, I realized that those emotions come from lots of different places.
I knew this week had been a good weight loss week. Before stepping on the scale, I was one pound away from 70 but I knew that there was a good chance I would crack 75. Everything was almost easy last week. I ate really healthy – and actually enjoyed my food. And I felt like I had really broken through a wall in my workouts. I knew that I was going to be happy once I got on the scale.
So when I got home from the gym, I changed my shoes and immediately went to weigh. I couldn’t believe the scale. I had lost 6 pounds. I hadn’t lost six pounds since I started this journey back in September. But on top of the large weight loss, I had hit a pretty large goal for me. I had hit 75 pounds GONE.
I can’t even tell you the emotions that surged through me. I happily told my sister and went to hit my Facebook to tell all my amazing friends and family. I then needed to run to the little store to get something for my sister, who was cooking. I got into the car, started it and started crying.
Yet, it was sadness. In fact, there was no sadness anywhere in my being. I was relieved. I was overjoyed. I was happy.
And that feeling hasn’t gone away. I’m still so overjoyed with my success and this milestone that I feel like I could cry. But they are happy tears – most welcome tears.
I have never felt this good – physically or emotionally. Everyone knows that this journey is a physical one. To be successful, you have to kick your own rear (or pay people to kick your rear) at the gym. I’ve done that. But I think the part that has been missing is that I have never been so emotionally healthy.
I have an amazing family who loves me and supports me every step of the way. My parents doing this with me has forever changed my life – and I hope theirs as well. My sister has gotten even more specific and careful about what she cooks to make sure its healthy- for us. My brothers and Khrista are so supportive and loving as is the rest of the family. My friends on Facebook have been an immeasurable support system to me. I feel so unworthy of their love and support but I take it and use it each week. I post my daily doings so that I know I will do it – even those two or three hour gym days.
I am so humbled by the support I get online and I don’t think I will ever be worthy of it. I just hope that by sharing my journey that I am helping other people along the way as well. My gym has become my family as well – with my friends and aerobic instructors who push me and support me and just notice when I’m not there. This amazing web of people has built a support system that has healed me emotionally. They have let me grieve and let me celebrate. I am ok now. I am proud of who I am. I am proud of how I look. I am proud of who I am becoming. I am proud of how strong I am. I’ve never been able to say that I am truly proud of what I’ve accomplished but right now, I am.
I’ve lost weight before but I’ve never felt this good. I simply think the time was right for me this time. I think THIS is my time.

A Different Fit

I think I may have grown more in the past month than I have during this entire process. Let me explain.
I just broke a plateau. And when I say a plateau, I mean the TOP of Mt. Everest plateau. I didn’t gain, I didn’t lose. I just sat still. I was frustrated at the beginning and then I decided to step back.
I talked to my trainer about ways to jump start my body. He gave me ideas and warned me against other ideas. He said that time is what it would take. And he was right. It took three weeks, a lower carb diet and getting extremely sick to break it. But I did and I am losing again.
And the lesson I’ve learned is that this IS going to happen for me. I can get stuck for three weeks and still pick right back up. And more importantly, when I get stuck now – I keep trucking through it. In the past, I would give up. After two weeks of no progress, I would just go back to my old ways.
But not this time. Not even during the two week “UIL window” in which my life revolved around One-Act play, speech and debate. Not even when I was miserably sick but still having to be at work and direct and coach. Not even when the scale sat at exactly the same place for three weeks. Not this time. This time, I found things to change. I “detoxed” from the scale. I didn’t weigh in all the time, as had become the habit. I went back to the drawing board and changed my diet some. I pulled back some on the cardio (especially with the illness). But somehow, through all of it, I lost weight. My body gave in to my changes and I am back on track.
I really believe that I can make these changes now. I can be a thinner person and live my life. I can work 30 hours at the rodeo and drink and party at the rodeo – and NOT gain weight. I can work a 60 hour week and not gain weight. I can plan and be prepared for everything life throws at me.
It’s a great comfort knowing that I am in control still. That this time was different – that I didn’t lay down in defeat. They say that it takes 10 days for something to become a habit. I think my habits are set in concrete now. And it feels so great.

****

I’ve had three experiences lately that I excited me beyond belief but that I had never though about or looked forward to. Both of them involved seats.
When you’re a big gal, you get used to hoping you fit comfortably in a seat in public. This could be a desk in a classroom, a seat in an auditorium. Each time, I would approach the seat and look for an option if I didn’t fit. Especially with it involved a desk. Most of the time, I wouldn’t even try to sit in the desk. I would immediately find a chair to pull to the desk and make some excuse.
Well, last Friday we were at Sharpstown High School for OAP. My girls were working on lines and I went over to work with them a bit. Without even thinking, I slipped down into the desk. It wasn’t until I was sitting comfortably in it that I realized I fit. And I didn’t fit tightly; I was comfortably sitting in the desk with room to spare. I just smiled to myself and moved on.
The second “seat” experience came when I flew to Dallas over Spring Break. I love to fly and each and every time I always dread one thing – having to ask for a seatbelt extender. The flight attendants always look at you with distaste as they go get it and then hand it to you as openly and publicly as possible. It’s embarrassing and I’ve even contemplated stealing the extender before so that I could always have my own and wouldn’t have to ask for the extender. Well, there is no need for that anymore. I sat into the seat to settle in for the quick flight to Dallas, grabbed my seatbelt and clicked it on. No seatbelt extender needed. I smiled to myself extra big as the flight attendants walked by. I didn’t need to bug them.
And the third “seat” experience has come several times this One-Act Play season. During this season, I find myself in a lot of auditoriums, sitting in a lot of different chairs. Well, Monday night I snuck in to the Midway auditorium and sat down right before a show started. And I realized that the arms of the chair weren’t touching me on either side. Not only did I fit, but there was room to spare. I kind of wiggled around in my seat to make sure it was true and it was. I fit. Comfortably. No more bruises on my legs where I had to squeeze into a chair. Never again.

*****

During the rodeo, my family and I made a LOT of trips out to the rodeo. Sometimes we went to the rodeo, sometimes contents, often to drink. Well, the night the Black Eyed Peas played, my entire family went out to see the concert. We all meet and we walked around a bit.
That night after we got home, my mom gave me a huge compliment. She told me she realized just how much I had changed. She said that she can no longer easily spot me in a crowd of people because of my size. She said I just blend into the mix of people now.
In a world where I try so hard not to be just like everyone else, where I want to stand out, I will take being just part of that crowd.

******

This journey is all about things being different. The obvious has to be different – my workouts, my eating, my dedication. But there are a lot of other changes. How my body looks, how I deal, how I fit into airplane seats. You never think about the little things like fitting into seats and shocking people with how you look. But those are the little things that somehow keep me going. I’ll continue to bask in the little different fits.

My Top Ten List

My last post was deep and kind of depressing. But I was kind of in a rough place. But I’m doing better and had a brilliant idea for a new blog while shaving my legs in the shower today…. As you can tell, it’s going to be a little more lighthearted.

There are so many things about this new life that I love. Some are big and some are simply silly (like what dawned on me in the shower). So I am going to share my current top ten list with you….. drum roll please.

My Top Ten

10. I have tons more dirty laundry at the end of each week. Yes, I know you are wondering why in the world I would love more laundry. I love the extra work because it means that I have been taking care of business at the gym. As my fellow friends know, when you work out five or six days a week, you dirty up a ton more clothes. It means I have to wash workout clothes at least once a week. But you know, it’s a good burden to have.

9. The shower revelation: I have definition in my calf muscles. Yes, is silly and yes, my calf muscles are still large to carry around my body but I have definition in them. It’s not just one huge muscle, you can actually see where the different muscles are. I never thought calf muscles were really sexy but as I see mine change and grow, maybe calf muscles are sexy.

8. Crystal Light Single Serving packets. These absolutely rock my world. I don’t mind plain water and I still drink plenty of it. (Especially at the gym, I need plain water after a good workout!). But during the day, especially when its cold, Crystal Light makes it go down a little easier. And if you read the box very carefully, several flavors have caffeine. And one of them has a HUGE amount of caffeine. And lets me honest, some days we just need a pick me up.

7. I look forward to the gym. The past couple days have been crazy busy for me with plays, debate, etc. So Thursday and Friday of this week became my rest days. And I will admit. I cheat. I typically only take one “real” rest day a week. So I took two this week (my trainer will be happy). And today – after getting released from my debate duties, I couldn’t wait to get to the gym. I was almost giddy as I pulled into the parking lot. It was like seeing a long lost friend after a long absence. And it had been two days.

6. Spinning. I love spinning. In fact, I’m kind of obsessed with it. I hear a new song on the radio and I think – that would be a great song for a spin soundtrack. Today when I went to the gym I went into the spin room, put on my Velcro spin shoes and did my own class. But before I started I clicked through my iPOD and listened to beats. I picked two long songs for endurance rides (5 mins and two songs together that added up to 7 mins, 30 seconds) and then I started. I’m completely in love.

5. Zumba. It’s just fun. Even the classes with the “boring” instructor can be fun. Last week, one of my friends in the class and I thought we would spice it up. We were on the next to back row, with a couple clueless (and coordination-less) guys behind us. We kept throwing in our own dance moves. Then I told her it was time to doing the Beyonce booty – I went into a squat position and started shaking with the good lord gave me. I laughed and then remembered I had the guys behind me. One of them stopped and looked a little shell shocked. Glad I could entertain him. But even in the classes with Kenyatta, my favorite instructor, I put my own stamp on the dances. I mean, that’s what a true dancer does, right?

4. My Confidence. I’ve always acted confident in every aspect of my life. And in many of them, I was really confident. But in many others, I just pretended well. But that’s changing. I’m finding a confidence in myself that I haven’t ever really felt before. It’s pretty cool.

3. Makeup. This one is for my friend Cortney. For years, she’s harped me to look nice when I go to work. She would tease me about only wearing makeup when I had a special occasion. My students at school would always question me when I wore makeup – asking me if I had a date (and they were usually right). But earlier this semester, I started putting makeup on in the mornings. Sometimes during the commute, sometimes waiting for my windshield to defrost and sometimes during first period conference, I put it on every day. And I have to admit, even though I will never hear the end of it, I actually like how I look with makeup on. What a concept.

2. Conquering Stairs. I teach in a mammoth old building. It’s three stories tall and sprawling. At the beginning of the year, I dreaded going to the office or the copy room or anywhere. But not anymore. Now, I’m happy to make that third trip to the office. And if I have to go to an office upstairs, its all good. It’s more steps on my bodybugg. And the stairs don’t conquer me. I conquer them.

1. Being healthy. I never imagined I would find such great joy in being healthy. I enjoy good food made with fruits and vegetables. Mom and I have started to really enjoy looking up low-fat recipes. I like that I don’t dread going to the gym or walking upstairs. I like that I can hang with anyone in spin class. I like that my body thanks me for taking so much weight off of it. There are a lot of perks to being thinner but the simple fact is that I want to be healthy. And this time, I’m going to be.

A Rough Patch

It's been awhile since I've written. Until I just logged in, I had no idea it had really been.

I use this as my sounding board. As my place to brag, to vent, to deal. Today I'm dealing.

I'm frustrated. And I'm scared. Yeah, there it is.

I'm scared.

I've had a long history with losing weight. Eight years ago, I lost a few pounds shy of 100 pounds. I didn't do it healthy - per say. I worked out like a dog and ate less than 1,000 calories a day. I dropped the weight in about eight months. I was thinner but I'm not sure I was ever really healthier. And then my life changed - I started teaching - and I gained it back.

Since then, I've joined Weight Watchers, The Biggest Loser Online, etc. I've probably rejoined or tried a new diet at least once - if not more times - a year since I lost all that weight. I would get 20 or even 30 pounds in - and my routine would change and I would go back to the old way.

SO here I am now. I've lost 54 pounds since September. I've done it healthy with a good diet and a good variety of exercise. I am in excellent shape. In fact, I'm probably in the best shape of my life. I judge my workouts on how much I sweat. And I love that. And yet, this is the point where my success and the rest of the journey always overwhelms me.

Yes, I've lost 54 pounds but I still have more than 100 to lose. I'm not even near the halfway point of this journey yet. That's scary. It's overwhelming. I know what the books say - you set little goals and those help to break down magnitude of it all. But the bottom line is that I still have a long way to go. I'm so afraid to fail - I have shared my struggle and my journey so publically that I'm afraid of failing so pubically.

I'm also scared of what my life looks like as a thinner person. I've always been the big girl. I was in high school, in college and even in my adult life. I'm comfortable in the role. I don't know what life would like like if I wasn't the big girl. My extra weight is like a security blanket and I'm not sure how to function without it.

I know that I have so much more invested this time. I've invested a lot of money and a lot of time. I've been transparent and involved my circle of friends. That has to be the difference for me this time. But at the same time, I still hear a little voice... that little voice that gets me off track everytime ... telling me that I won't make it.

But I have to. I want this so bad. I want to be healthy and thin. I want everything that will come to me in that part of my life. I want to be a healthy wife and mother someday. I want to be a healthy daughter and aunt to my siblings kids. I want to be small - so that I am healthy, have more energy and lets me honest - look as hot as I feel inside.

So this time, I have to use that fear of failure to my benefit. I have to use it to push me harder to achieve this goal. I'm not sure how. In fact, I have no idea how. But I will figure it out as I go. I will use those around me to push me and to catch me when I begin to fall. It's quite a burden and I'm blessed with people that are willing to help carry it.

But for the first time in my life, I have to face the fact that I can't do this alone. Yes, its my sweat equity and my actions of putting things in my mouth but I have to have those around me as support. I've tried it alone before. It didn't work.

And this time has to be different.

Tonight, I completed a journey.
I ran/jogged/walked 3.2 miles at midnight with my daughter, one of my best friends of 25 years and her daughter. It was 3.2 miles on paper but it was so much more to me.
As I walked/jogged the journey, with Dusty ahead of me – yelling and cheering and pushing me – I left so many things on that concrete.
I left the anger and frustrations of being overweight and this constant struggle. I’m not angry anymore. I am motivated. I have to simply accept this is my burden. But this is not something I cannot face – or beat. I am overweight. I have been most of my life. But its in my control. With every step down the road tonight, I simply kept telling myself that I am in control. I am going to succeed this time.
I left the excuses behind. There is always going to be bad days, birthday parties, and sore muscles. There is always going to be stresses and ups and downs and vacations. But after the setbacks happen, there is always another day. There is always another moment for me to step up and start over. One bad day or birthday party isn’t going to erase all of my success. And its not going to set me back anymore either.
I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for and tonight I proved it to myself. I have amazing people in my life who believe in me and yet, somehow I have failed to believe in myself. That is changing.
And while I left things behind, I realized so many things as well.
I am so strong. I can do anything I put my mind to. Absolutely anything. I can walk a 5K at midnight and complete it in under an hour. I can do Zumba or spinning or step class. I can lose 43 pounds in four months and keep going. And a year from now, I can complete another 5K and RUN it.
Once I got to the race tonight, I was scared. I covered it well with laughter and dancing in the parking lot but I was scared. I didn’t want to finish last (which I didn’t…..I beat about six people!). I didn’t want to let myself down. I didn’t want to let my trainer down and my friends and family down who have cheered and supported me tirelessly. I didn’t want to fail at all – I wanted to succeed.
I have known for a long time how amazing my family and friends are but tonight it was just concreted even more. The entire race Dusty was right with me and she kept cheering me along. Khrista ran with Nevada – and even carried her – for a little ways. And when I came to the finish line, my parents were there to see me cross. I had already started to tear up as I came near the finish line but seeing them made it complete.
I started this journey with my parents by my side and having them there at the finish line was perfect. Once I started crying enough to tell them I was ok and not hurting, it was a beautiful moment. It was a beautiful moment hugging Khrista who did it with me – not because running a 5K is something every college freshman wants to do on New Year’s Eve but because she loves me and wanted to be there for me. And Dusty and I shared a moment before we came around the final bend, a moment that was 25 years in the making and for both of us assured us that this is going to be a different year for us both.
Tomorrow I will rest. And Saturday, I will head for the gym. Because in 364 more days, I have a race to run. And I mean RUN.