The Balence Beam

Two weeks ago I was having a conversation with a couple of my friends that have been speech coaches for years and I made the comment that I am trying to find the magic pill that will make everything in my life balanced. They both died laughing and told me if I find that magic balance - to please share with them my secret.

So that is where I am at. I'm still struggling with finding balance. My life is so full. I have work - with includes teaching a new subject (which I'm really enjoying), running a speech program that involves traveling to debate tournaments most weekends and helping with the fall musical, taking on a great deal of the business details. Then I have a great man in my life. He is patient and kind and thankfully is fine with the fact that I just don't have a lot of extra time. Then there is my home life - trying to help my parents around the house (which I fail at miserably) and spending time with my family (which again, I often fail miserably at). And at the end of all of that, I still need to work out, eat, shop and do laundry.

I often feel like I am chasing my tail. Like I don't know which way is up and which way I should be heading. I love this life - I love all the components and I feel guilty even writing this blog because I have it good - and I mean that. But even though all the components are good, I still have to find the balance. I'm not balanced right now. I'm letting certain categories monopolize my time and at the end of the day, I'm not putting myself high enough on the food chain. And putting myself higher on that food chain means that I will make my workouts a priority and take care of myself.

My workouts are for me. They make me feel good. They help me sleep better. They release stress that I build up at work, etc. And I have to stop letting them be the thing that I don't give enough attention. I have to just deal with the fact that the gym isn't "on my way home" anymore and drive to the gym each night happily. I know that with my new schedule that I'm not going to be able to give my two hours each night that I was used to giving last year. But just because its got to be different, doesn't mean its bad.

I've come so far in this journey but its not over. And I have to remember that and keep working towards my goal. I've come to far to to stop and go backwards. And to continue to go forwards, I have to just bite the bullet and find balance that includes taking care of me.

It's not going to be easy and there is definitely going to be some trial and error involved but I will figure it out. I have figured it out up to this point. This is just another little trial.

When you want to believe in something, you also have to believe in everything that is necessary for believing in it. - Ugo Betti

If there is no struggle, there is no progress. - Frederick Douglass

Tonight as I started to prepare to write this blog, I went to my favorite quote site and put struggle into the search engine. A lot of quotes came up - about not giving up, about respecting the struggle, etc. But two quotes of the many stuck out to me. They are above.

So first, let's talk about the Douglass quote. How amazingly true this is. Nothing comes easy - or fast for that matter. I often get frustrated as I want things to happen quickly. I want to wake up tomorrow and be thin and at goal weight. But the truth of the matter is that I didn't get here overnight. I didn't gain this weight quickly and I am not going to lose it quickly.

And more importantly, if I did lose it quickly, would I appreciate the journey? If weight loss, like anything else, was easy - would we work to keep the weight off? I know personally, the journey, the struggles, are what make me appreciate where I have been and how far I have come. If this was easy, it would be easy to forget about all of the progress and go back to my own ways.

But those struggles, those hard times, are what brings us to appreciate the progress. I have gotten knocked down so many times during this progress. I have fallen - and even jumped off - the wagon. I have gotten lazy in my workouts and maybe eaten more chocolate that I should have. But regardless, I continue to come back to the straight and narrow - or at least the more straight and more narrow. I can look at pictures and look in the mirror and see the progress. And when I do that, I am thankful for the struggles as I know I am doing something right. And because I have made it through those struggles - because I have fought the good fight - I have more pride in what I am doing. And because of those struggles, I know in my heart that I can get back on track despite anything that gets thrown in my way.

And then the Betti quote - wow. This one simply struck me. It made me question myself. First, do I believe that I can achieve my goal. Do I believe that I can get down to 160 pounds and be happy and content in my new skin? And if I answer that question yes, do I believe in everything it is going to take me to get there?

I think the most important thing I need to get there and probably the most important question - is do I truly believe in myself? Most days, I would say yes. And then there are those few days where I simply don't know. And on those days, I have to get better at asking those around me to lift me up and help me to find that inner strength. I have gotten this far - and yet, I still struggle.

The last time I blogged, I was at my lowest point in this journey. I have been working hard to come back from that lost place. I've made some progress. But I am not there. But this weekend, I made some decisions.

The most important decision is about my workouts. The past two weeks I've worked to get my eating back under control but I didn't make it to the gym. I've found it so hard to make myself go to the gym after leaving work on late nights. So my workouts are moving. I'm moving them to the mornings.

This is not the most convenient option for me but its going to be what I have to do. Starting tomorrow, I am going to leave my house at 5 a.m. to make it to spin. I will do this three mornings a week. Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I will walk in the neighborhood. I'm not thrilled about crazy early mornings but I have to do something. And this is an option. And if for some reason I don't get up and workout in the morning, I will have to MAKE myself go in the evenings. It's just simply what I have to do. So here goes nothing.

It's been a few days past a year since I started this journey - and I've lost 90 pounds in the year. I've made great strides but I am not there yet. And I want to get there. I want to believe in myself as a thin woman at goal weight. So believing in what it takes to get there, starts now.

Confession Time

I've needed to write this post for about a week and I've started it so many times. But I couldn't finish it. I simply couldn't make myself admit - publiclly and to all of you - that I am struggling. But I have been - and I am.

So since I got back from Europe, I have been struggling with motivation. I simply have lost it. I don't much want to go to the gym. I haven't been as careful with food and watching what I eat. I just have lost some of that drive, some of that umpf that was pushing me. I have no idea where it has gone but I desperately need it back.

Last week was the pinnacle of my deception - mainly to myself. I ate a lot of fast food last week. And while I made OK choices when I went through the drive through, I felt ashamed. I didn't want anyone to see me in the drive through. It was a dirty little secret. I hated that I felt that shame. I'm an almost 32-year-old woman who was hiding her fast food bags so that anyone who got into my car could see it. I started this process so I wouldn't hide from the things I was doing anymore. And yet, last week, there I was. I was hiding from the truth- yet again.

It all came to a head on Sunday morning after spin class. I made it to spin after not setting my alarm and still being up in plenty of time. It was a great great class and I desperately needed it to feel strong and to really enjoy a workout. I walked out with my friend Kelli and while looking at her new car started talking. And before I knew it, I was crying. I told her my dirty little secret.

I told her that I felt like I was letting people down. By sharing my story and my struggles, I have gotten such an amazing outpouring of love and support. And I don't want to do anything to disappoint anyone.

But what Kelli pointed out was that if I was honest, I would just be showing everyone how human I am. So here it is - I am human. I have messed up. I fell off the wagon - hell, I jumped head first off the wagon.

But the truth is - I didn't like it down there. I started this process for a reason. I love the way I feel. I love the way I look in my size 20 jeans. I love that I stop and look in the mirror and have to double take sometimes because I simply don't believe it's really me. I love that I climbed castles all over Scotland and could breathe when I got to the top of the towers.

So I start over. I'm not going to be Pollyanna here and say I know how. Just wanting to NOT be in a funk doesn't magically make me not in a funk. I'm still struggling. I'm still bored in my workouts. I'm still bored with my food. I'm still struggling to find the time to make it all fit - and to have a life and ENJOY this life I have fought for for so long.

I am almost at my one year anniversary from starting this journey. I started last September 19th. In the 11 plus months since this began, I have lost almost 100 pounds. I have about six pounds to get to 100 pounds. I've been this close before and I've gotten scared before and stopped.

I am scared. I don't know what this new me looks like. I don't know what it feels like to be someone who is 150 or even 200 pounds lighter. But damnit, this time, I want to know. Yes, it scares me but I want to know. I've fought so hard to get here, I don't want to give up this time.

I have no idea how I am going to get here. But I'm going to still keep fighting my way. I'm going to talk to Adrian tomorrow and ask for his help. He's helped me through little struggles before. This one is huge and hopefully he can shed some light.

And I am going to stop hiding. I'm going to stop hiding my bad habits. I'm going to stop hiding from the fact that its OK to be successful here.

Again, I have no idea how. But I believe in a God who will show me the way. Maybe its time to ask him for help as well.

Starting Over

I simply cannot believe how long it as been since I posted. But here we are, again.

To erase any questions about the title, I haven't fallen off the wagon. But I still need a reboot.

So my summer in a nutshell: had three glorious weeks off in June although that was so long ago, I don't remember them. I then started a crazy, hectic graduate program which shook up every schedule and routine that I had put into place that was working. I then spent a bit over two weeks in Europe with school and then my mom and sister. Then I returned home, had one day off, went back to work. Then this past weekend, I traveled to Las Vegas for a wedding of a childhood friend. Then today, I started the new school year. During all this I juggled a new guy (who is patient and kind and luckily appreciates a busy woman), my workouts, my diet and somehow my sanity.

So how did my weight loss survive this crazy hurricane of a summer? It just did. I didn't lose crazy pounds this summer but somehow I lost a ton of inches. At my last measurement session, I had lost something like 7 or 8 inches total from all over my body. I have never had that kind of inches loss. It was astonishing. I was proud.

So here I am. I am going to reboot. I need new routines. Everything that I knew last year, everything that worked to get me almost 100 pounds lighter, has changed. I now have a job that I love that I am going to focus on. I now have a boyfriend who I want to spend time with. I now have other things in my life that I want to focus on as well as working out, eating right and all that jazz.

And what I have to realize is that it's OK to have these other priorities as well. I still have to put myself high on the list. I still have to make myself workout. I still have to watch what I eat and listen to my body. But I can live my life as well. I worked so hard last year so that my quality of life would be better. And now that it is, I am going to enjoy that new quality of life.

But that being said, this journey isn't over for me. It's just going to take a new path. I'm going to take what has worked and reshape it into a new look, a new time table and maybe some new activities. My new job is going to keep me at school long past my job last year did. I am going to have to work with this. Some evenings I might want to visit my guy, instead of two hours at the gym and I will have to work around this. These things aren't bad. These things aren't taking away from my success or my drive and desire to reach my goals. They are just going to reshape the way I do things.

Life is about change. My life changed when I set out on this journey nearly a year ago. I have changed. I have found a confidence and a light in myself that I had faked for many years. I don't fake it anymore. And its because of that confidence that I have found that I believe that I can succeed still, even with a life that looks a little different from that of the past.

And amazingly, I am OK with this. I am comfortable with this change. I am excited about finding new routines and patterns. I am excited about finding a little more flexibility in my life to actually enjoy life. I needed last year's structure and strict dedication. I needed it to get over the hump. But now, I can still be successful with doing things a little different.

Change is not bad, its just different. And just like all the other changes I have made in my life, these are going to be the right ones. The tide is always continuing to turn.

Some Random - Yet, Really Cool - Things

A Size 20

In an effort to afford school work today, I went shopping with mom. I wanted one pair of jeans and one pair of shorts that fit me correctly before I leave for Europe later this week. Mom needed new travel clothes as well.

So off we went. And went I got to the store, I started pulling size 22's off the shelf. I was a 24 mostly last time I bought jeans and as my 24s are huge now, I knew that I needed to go down. I took my clothes into the dressing room and tried things on. Most of my 22s fit great. This was exciting enough. THEN I tried on my jeans. The 22s were big. And I mean BIG. So I decided to try the 20. I had no illusion that they would actually fit. I mean last time I lost weight all those years ago, I never got to a 20. I figured I would be leaving without jeans as I was just in between sizes.

Then I tried on the 20s. And then fit like a glove. And I couldn't believe it. I look at my mom with a complete shock. She wasn't surprised as she is my number one cheerleader always and forever. But the 20s fit. In another 20 or so pounds, I will hopefully move out of the 20s. I haven't bought jeans or pants outside of the 20s in more years than I care to remember. It opens up my doors. I see the results of my success everyday but I still don't know how to accept it sometimes. And sometimes I just have to smile and let it sink in. The 20s fit.

Crossing My Legs

So I've always thought that women that could cross their legs were sexy. I always noticed how effortlessly thin people could cross their legs and sit comfortably for hours that way. It has never been me.

And over the past few weeks, I've realized that it is me. Now don't get me wrong, I can't cross them for hours effortlessly, but I can cross them for a reasonable amount of time. It doesn't hurt, its not uncomfortable. And I find that I do it subconsciously now.

I'll be damned if I'm not going to be one of those girls who can cross her legs. And I have to say, my calf muscles look pretty good when one leg is thrown over the over. Thanks, A for all those calf exercises that I despise.

The Seat belt - Again

Driving home today, I realized that I won't need a seat belt extender when I get on the plane to travel to the UK on Friday. At Spring Break I didn't need it - barely. But on Friday, when I sit into the seat, I am going to fit comfortable and buckle my seat belt with no sweating, grunting or struggling.

What a great way to start my trip.

So Close, Once Again

Seven years ago I had a lot of success losing weight. I lost almost 100 pounds. I never hit that 100 pound mark. I was close - so very close - and yet I didn't let myself reach that point.

So here I am again - so close. I've currently lost 93 pounds total and I'm seven pounds away. Yet, this time is different. I will hit it this time. I can see myself well beyond this goal. I can see myself in a size 10. I can see myself in a small wedding dress someday. I can see myself running triathlons and running the MS 150.

Hitting the 100 pound goal is a huge accomplishment. But it is not THE accomplishment. It's just a milestone. I'll celebrate and I'll go to the gym the next day. It's just part of the journey - not the end. Yes, some days its frustrating to think I've come this far and still have so far to go. But at the end of the day, its just how it is. Focusing on the frustratations of the unchangeable circumstances aren't going to make it any different.

So I choose to celebrate and continue. And eventually, I will celebrate losing another 100 pounds. And eventually, I will fit into those smaller clothes and be in the shape of my life.

And at the end of the day - I can't say that I would have it any other way.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

So today, I hit a new point with A, and more importantly with myself.

This week was my first week of this crazy four week graduate program. I've been in class for 12 hours a day, eaten lunch while studying, worked out each morning at 7 a.m. (leaving my house at 6 a.m. to go work out) and had scheduled my weekly workout session with my trainer for this morning.

Today also happened to be my monthly weigh-in. I weighed in and had lost 10 pounds for the month. THIS is a good month. There is nothing anywhere that can convince me that it wasn't. The not so good came from the fact that I didn't lose inches. Everything was stagnant. And while I love losing pounds, I even more enjoy watching the inches go down each month.

A was a little worried. He talked about maybe I need to eat less, etc. And I stopped him. It hit me - for the first time since I started this journey - I have to put my life ahead of my weight loss.

I've paid a great deal to be a part of this graduate program. It means a lot to me. I'm enjoying every single moment of it and I'm proud to be a part of it. And while I am still going to get up two hours earlier than I have to so that I can make it to the campus gym and while I am still going to pack my healthy lunch and snacks, I am going to focus on school for a month. And that is OK. It simply has to to be.

I feel like I have been practicing for this for almost a year. I have been learning how to juggle busy schedules with a healthy lifestyle. I have learned how to cope with stress and learned how to make good decisions. I've learned all of these things about me with the knowledge that eventually I was going to have to use these skills. And here I am. The rubber is officially meeting the road and I have to make it work.

I'm still passionate about losing weight. I'm still far from my goal and I still thank God everyday for the success I have had and all of the amazing things it has brought into my life. But for the first time - it can't be in the forefront of my thoughts. With my 12 hour school days, followed by my two hours of studying each night, I have to sleep sometime. And I have to eat high protein foods so that my brain will still absorb into at 8 p.m. at night when I got up at 5:45 that morning. I have to do these things.

It's only a month. My goal for this month is to lose weight. My goal is to stay on track - without having to put every ounce of energy I have into it. I've been preparing for this test just as I've studying for quizzes this week and writing papers. Now, I am going to be tested. And I will succeed.

I have no choice.

Lots of New

I haven't written in a few weeks. I've been busy. I've been busy with a lot of NEW.

New has always been scary to me. I like routine. I like knowing what is coming my way. I like knowing what my schedule is going to look like. I like knowing when and where I can do the things I need to do.

But my life - as of late - has been shaken up.

I have a new job. I'm still getting used to my new - and still changing body. I have a new boy. I start a new chapter in my schooling on Monday. All of these things in my life are great and welcome. Yet, now I need to stop and figure out how to juggle all of the new that is hitting me at once.

So far - I think I've done alright. I have taken these past four weeks to work out A LOT. I went in the mornings, leaving my house for the gym before my sister headed to work some mornings. I worked out in the evenings. I ate healthy. I slept a lot. I read theater theory, I memorized monologues and a certain Shakespeare sonnet which ate my lunch. I went on dates. But most important, I took care of myself. I didn't stress. I didn't freak out because my schedule wasn't set. I just let it happen.

And what I learned in just letting it all happen is that I can still make the good choices. I have lost 12 pounds this month. It's one of my biggest months since the beginning of this journey. And yet, I have been less structured than ever before. I trusted in my abilities to make good choices and still live my life. And I still succeeded.

I'm going to remember this in the coming weeks. Monday I embark on 12 hour class days and from what I've been warned - crazy amounts of homework. And I'm going to still try to juggle this great guy, my family and friends and prep work for my new job at my new school. And yet, I am more confident now than ever before that I can still be successful. I can do this.

I've made plans. I'm going to work out in the mornings and enjoy it. I'm going to bring my lunch and dinner everyday. I'm going to work during lunches and dinners when I can. I'm going to make this work. And in six weeks - when I return from Europe - I will be even lighter and even more healthy.

Life happens. And it's an absolutely beautiful life. It's time for me to really live it.