Learning to Listen

                There are so many things that go into weight loss. So many lessons to learn and so much growing and changing during the process. I’ve been fighting through it. I’m not going to lie and say its been easy. I’ve had my moments of anger, I’ve had my moments of pure frustration, I’ve had my breakdowns and I’ve had my moments of being completely proud. It’s all part of the process – part of the growing and part of the change.

                One of the most important lessons I’m learning is how to listen to my body. This is hard for me. I’ve never been really good at listening to my body. I push it physically, emotionally, mentally and I’ve treated it like crap. I’ve fed it crap for all these years. I’ve pushed myself again and again when I should have rested. I’ve eaten too much, drank too much or not eaten enough. My biggest sin is that I simply haven’t been good at listening to it.

                I realized today that this is changing. There are a lot of lessons that I’ve learned during this phase of the HCG diet. Maybe its because of the drastic measures of it that I’m finally looking and listening to what is going on. I’ve gotten in touch with what my body is telling me. The medicine that I take each morning helps me feel fuller much quicker. So in response, I’m eating a lot less. It’s weird to eat so much less than I was used to but to feel satisified and full.

                Example, I was walking through a Chicago mall today and saw a place with a great salad bar. It was lunch time so I went in and got a salad with all allowed veggies and grilled turkey. I didn’t get a big salad, just a normal sized – or so I thought. Well, halfway through the salad, I realized I was full. So I walked away from it. It was liberating. It was exciting. It was a great feeling to walk away feeling like I have accomplished something by simply listening to my body.

                In addition, after walking around and walking the mile or so back to the hotel, I came up to my room. I wanted to go to a museum. I wanted to go to Navy Pier. I wanted to do something. But my body disagreed. My body needed rest. And maybe my mind did too. So I laid down and napped. I slept harder than I have in a long long time. I listened to my body. I don’t ever do this during the school year. I push and push and push. It’s time that I stop pushing so hard. It’s time that I give in and let it be.

                I’ve learned one more lesson this week that my friend David shared with me. The first night we were here, my class went to eat deep dish Chicago-style pizza after our show. I knew that I couldn’t make that trip. I’ve gotten pretty good at eating healthy with the group and being fine with it but as pizza is my favorite food, I knew that I couldn’t do that. So I came up to my room. And I was upset. I wanted to be with my classmates. I had a little (or an ugly) pity party and went to bed.

                So the next morning I was talking to David and told him about my breakdown. He told me his story about changing his mindset and it struck me. He told me about changing his mindset about going out with friends being about the food to simply just being about spending time with your friends. There is something telling about that. I’m going to work on it. It will make it easier.

                I still have a whole lot of learning to do in this process. I have about ten days left of this stage of the diet. I’m still learning and growing each day.  And I’m feeling stronger and stronger each day.  And I am finally – at 33 years old – learning to listen.

Just mad.

            So tonight I am going to be a bit dramatic. Tonight I am mad.

            I am mad at my body. I am mad that I let myself gain the weight back I lost two years ago. I am mad that I don’t have a metabolism that allows me to eat whatever I want. I am mad that my body is sore from carrying around my body weight. I’m mad that I can’t eat chips and have a Dr. Pepper. I’m just mad.

            There is nothing that in particular that has set me off tonight. I had a great dinner (added some hot salsa on top of some chicken as it went with my general mood) and I haven’t gotten off track but that doesn’t mean I am not frustrated. I have a great supportive family (especially my sister who is dealing with this on the front lines) and I have incredibly supportive friends who are cheering me along. I don't begrudge any of of those blessings.

            But I am grieving that I have to make changes. It’s so much easier to just be free. It’s easier to pick up dinner on the way home. I really want a glass of wine.

            But I know rationally that that “easier” got me where I am today. And I know that I don’t want to go back there. I want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to fit in the seats of Broadway theaters comfortably. I don’t want to ever worry on an airplane again that someone will refuse to sit next to me. I want to be healthy. I have a horrible family history and I don’t want to make it any easier for diabetes or high blood pressure to take hold. I guess I’m mad that I have to make these hard decisions period.

            I think that it’s ok for me to be mad. I’ll go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow and I won’t be mad anymore. It's not in my nature to be mad. I do not begrudge the blessings in my life and I'll remember them very clearly in the morning.

But that is tomorrow.

And for now, I'll just be mad.

Finally Finding My Breaking Point

            I have always struggled with my weight. I have tried a lot of diets over the years and have had some success on different levels with different programs. Yet, I have never believed that my weight has kept me from living life.

            I have never let my weight keep me from anything. I really do feel like I have lived my life fully. I have worked to build a career that I am proud of. I have loved and had my heart broken. I have traveled and seen so much of the world. (But not nearly enough). I have never stayed home because I am overweight.

            And I guess at a certain level, I have always known that I would reach my limits. I have always known that eventually my size would get in the way of something I wanted to achieve.

            This has happened recently in an avalanche of moments. The first moment came when a man refused to sit next to me on an airplane on the way to New York City. And the rest of that trip continued to show me that it was time. I love New York theater and yet most of the seats that I sat in during that trip were really tight. I had a hard time keeping up in some of the walking tours. I realized that it was time – this time for real. I had let myself go and regained a lot of the weight that I lost three years ago but its time.

            Which is were the HCG and daily injections came in. Back in March, I visited my doctor for my yearly exam. There was a sign in his lobby about the HCG diet. So I went home and studied it. I then came up with a long list of questions and scheduled an appointment to ask him all my questions.

            And at that appointment, I decided I would take the leap. But yet, I still didn’t. I kept telling myself I would wait for the right now. Then school travel got in the way, then my debate schedule got in the way, then everything snowballed.

            Until New York City happened. And while I may be a hard-headed gal, I can take a sign. And I listened.

            So on Saturday morning, I started this new journey. I will inject myself with the HCG hormone each morning for forty days. And starting tomorrow – which is also the first morning of my last summer of grad school – I will eat a strict 500 calorie diet.

            I just spent the past hour measuring out and weighing out food for the week. I have about 40 something baggies that I can pick and choose from when packing my lunch in the morning. I will start going to the gym before class each morning to walk on the treadmill before class – the only exercise I can do for the next 40 days.

            While the HCG diet promises huge results, I am realistic. It’s not a cure-all. It’s a plan. It’s a start of a journey that my doctor says will take two years to get me to goal weight.

            But its worth it. I have been saying I have to find the balance for awhile and its time. I love my job and love what I do, but I really do have to reclaim a little time for me. I never want to not be able to sit into a chair in a theater. I never want to be uncomfortable why flying. My weight is effecting my life now and its time for me to change that.

            So here goes nothing.

Lost and Found?

I have a confession. Well, I have lots of confessions but I have a huge one. It’s been months and months since I have written. Mainly because of my big confession.

I have not been paying attention to my weight-loss efforts at all for months. I’d like to lie and say that I have been trying and focusing on things but the truth is – I haven’t been. I have let my own personal health be the least of the things I focus on for months and months now.

I am lost. I go to work each day. I work my butt off – each day and usually each weekend. I made a promise to myself at the beginning of the year that I was going to focus on me again. But yet, its been so much easier to not do so.

So here is the truth – I am miserable. I have gained a lot of my weight back. Not quite all of it – but most of it. And that is incredible embarrassing. It’s saddening. And more importantly – because its an emotion I can feed off of – it really makes me mad.

How did I get here? How did I throw away all of that success and hard work? How did I forget how hard I worked to get there? I’m so lost as to how it all happened.

But I’m smart enough to know that something has to give. I live too active of a life to live this way. I don’t want to dread going upstairs because I will be out of breathe. I hate putting on clothes and cringing because they are just too tight now. I worked too damn hard to get the weight off. And I forgot about that.

More importantly, I have forgotten how great I feel when I am working out. I think I was a much happier person. I know that I loved the way my body felt in a much smaller size. I want that back. I want the feeling I get after a killer workout.

I’ve been feeling this for weeks. Yet, I have been avoiding going back to the gym. Yes, I have a ton of excuses as to why I haven’t gone back but the simple truth is that I am scared to go back. I know that I have to start over. I know that my success is gone. I know that the first spin class I attempt is going to kick my ass. And its scary.

But I have also reached my breaking point. I have to change something. This body is not the body I am supposed to have. I can have all the excuses that I want to have but the truth is that none of them matter. I can lose weight and keep weight off AND still go to tournaments each weekend. I’ve seen friends do it.

I just have to want it. I have to get myself unlost. I have to find the drive that I had two years ago. Yes, it was easy two years ago when I was in a job that allowed me to spend hours each day working out. Yes, it was easy when I lived at home and was going through it with my mom and Dad. But I have to find my own ease now. If I really don’t want to live my life like this, I have to find the answer to find the ease in this lifestyle.

I don’t want to go back to a job I don’t care about. I love this life. But I love MY life more. And the path I am is going to shorten that life.

So its time to really make a change – again. I’m going back to the gym. Yes, I’m exhausted when I leave work each day but I have to make it happen. It’s time to get back on my bike again. It’s time to give up my Dr. Pepper again. It’s time to watch my diet again. It’s time to take control of my life again.

And so I am going to share my journey again. And I’m going to ask for your help. I’m going to ask for your strength until I can find my again. I’m going to ask for your push when I ask for it. I need a support system because this is a tough journey. But I’ve had success on this journey before. And I really do want to FIND myself again.

Hello, This is your wake-up call...

I know I haven't written in awhile and there are a lot of reasons for that. I could tell you its been so busy at work. I could tell you that its because I haven't had anything to say. I could tell you a lot of things. But the truth is - I haven't been real on track. Since I started this job last August, I have somewhat lost my way with my weight loss. Now, I haven't jumped off the wagon and gained all my weight back. In fact, I have kept most everything off. In the cast of full disclosure, I have put about ten back on. But I just lost my motivation. I got caught up in my busy schedule and my busy life. I got caught up in debate tournaments each weekend and musical rehearsals each afternoon. I got caught up in dating and life. I struggled. I couldn't find my motivation. I was wired and caught up in a new life at a new school that I loved. I love my life completely but I lost me a bit. And then the call call - the metaphorical call that is. I broke my foot. I know this sounds strange as how in the world could an injury possibly be the plateau buster that I was looking for - but it has been. I went from being completely independent and being able to do Zuma and cycle whenever I wanted to someone who could barely walk (with a walker) and who had to crawl up the stairs each night to go to bed. Not to mention - had to come down the stairs each morning on my butt. Showers became a challenge because standing on one leg gets tiring really fast. Doing anything at home meant using my walker to hop along. Even getting to the car to go to school each morning would elicit a sweat. And somewhere early on - I decided this is NOT what I wanted to be like. Yes, I am having a hard time getting around because I gracefully broke a metatarsal on my right foot - but I'm really having a hard time getting around because I am still carrying a lot of extra weight on my body. Yes, I have come a long way. But the simple truth is that I am still carrying around an extra 100 pounds. And that makes hoping with all my weight on my arms tough. I have also had another revelation. As much as a I moan and whine about working out from time to time --- or a lot -- this fall, I do love it. I love that it's an easy way to relieve stress. I love that it gives me an outlet. And I've realized that I desperately miss it. I miss being able to get my bike, strap on my helmet and just go. I miss the feeling of my legs pumping as I leave miles behind me on country roads. I'm counting down the days until I can be back on my Greta (my bike). I can't wait to until I can go back to Zumba. I signed up for a 27-mile bike ride for diabetes which is on my birthday in September. It gives me something to look forward to. I had to let go of my triathlon as it falls only two weeks after I should get completely released from my ortho. So I needed another goal - another something to look forward to. I've also been checking out aerobics schedules for the new gym opening really close to my house Saturday. I can't wait to get back in there and start earning my sweat again. Before this happened, I was completely lost. I had gotten off track and had gotten comfortable. I had forgotten why I started the entire journey in the first place. Well, sometimes God has to pull out the big signs to get us back on track. And this time - I read the billboard.

The Balence Beam

Two weeks ago I was having a conversation with a couple of my friends that have been speech coaches for years and I made the comment that I am trying to find the magic pill that will make everything in my life balanced. They both died laughing and told me if I find that magic balance - to please share with them my secret.

So that is where I am at. I'm still struggling with finding balance. My life is so full. I have work - with includes teaching a new subject (which I'm really enjoying), running a speech program that involves traveling to debate tournaments most weekends and helping with the fall musical, taking on a great deal of the business details. Then I have a great man in my life. He is patient and kind and thankfully is fine with the fact that I just don't have a lot of extra time. Then there is my home life - trying to help my parents around the house (which I fail at miserably) and spending time with my family (which again, I often fail miserably at). And at the end of all of that, I still need to work out, eat, shop and do laundry.

I often feel like I am chasing my tail. Like I don't know which way is up and which way I should be heading. I love this life - I love all the components and I feel guilty even writing this blog because I have it good - and I mean that. But even though all the components are good, I still have to find the balance. I'm not balanced right now. I'm letting certain categories monopolize my time and at the end of the day, I'm not putting myself high enough on the food chain. And putting myself higher on that food chain means that I will make my workouts a priority and take care of myself.

My workouts are for me. They make me feel good. They help me sleep better. They release stress that I build up at work, etc. And I have to stop letting them be the thing that I don't give enough attention. I have to just deal with the fact that the gym isn't "on my way home" anymore and drive to the gym each night happily. I know that with my new schedule that I'm not going to be able to give my two hours each night that I was used to giving last year. But just because its got to be different, doesn't mean its bad.

I've come so far in this journey but its not over. And I have to remember that and keep working towards my goal. I've come to far to to stop and go backwards. And to continue to go forwards, I have to just bite the bullet and find balance that includes taking care of me.

It's not going to be easy and there is definitely going to be some trial and error involved but I will figure it out. I have figured it out up to this point. This is just another little trial.

When you want to believe in something, you also have to believe in everything that is necessary for believing in it. - Ugo Betti

If there is no struggle, there is no progress. - Frederick Douglass

Tonight as I started to prepare to write this blog, I went to my favorite quote site and put struggle into the search engine. A lot of quotes came up - about not giving up, about respecting the struggle, etc. But two quotes of the many stuck out to me. They are above.

So first, let's talk about the Douglass quote. How amazingly true this is. Nothing comes easy - or fast for that matter. I often get frustrated as I want things to happen quickly. I want to wake up tomorrow and be thin and at goal weight. But the truth of the matter is that I didn't get here overnight. I didn't gain this weight quickly and I am not going to lose it quickly.

And more importantly, if I did lose it quickly, would I appreciate the journey? If weight loss, like anything else, was easy - would we work to keep the weight off? I know personally, the journey, the struggles, are what make me appreciate where I have been and how far I have come. If this was easy, it would be easy to forget about all of the progress and go back to my own ways.

But those struggles, those hard times, are what brings us to appreciate the progress. I have gotten knocked down so many times during this progress. I have fallen - and even jumped off - the wagon. I have gotten lazy in my workouts and maybe eaten more chocolate that I should have. But regardless, I continue to come back to the straight and narrow - or at least the more straight and more narrow. I can look at pictures and look in the mirror and see the progress. And when I do that, I am thankful for the struggles as I know I am doing something right. And because I have made it through those struggles - because I have fought the good fight - I have more pride in what I am doing. And because of those struggles, I know in my heart that I can get back on track despite anything that gets thrown in my way.

And then the Betti quote - wow. This one simply struck me. It made me question myself. First, do I believe that I can achieve my goal. Do I believe that I can get down to 160 pounds and be happy and content in my new skin? And if I answer that question yes, do I believe in everything it is going to take me to get there?

I think the most important thing I need to get there and probably the most important question - is do I truly believe in myself? Most days, I would say yes. And then there are those few days where I simply don't know. And on those days, I have to get better at asking those around me to lift me up and help me to find that inner strength. I have gotten this far - and yet, I still struggle.

The last time I blogged, I was at my lowest point in this journey. I have been working hard to come back from that lost place. I've made some progress. But I am not there. But this weekend, I made some decisions.

The most important decision is about my workouts. The past two weeks I've worked to get my eating back under control but I didn't make it to the gym. I've found it so hard to make myself go to the gym after leaving work on late nights. So my workouts are moving. I'm moving them to the mornings.

This is not the most convenient option for me but its going to be what I have to do. Starting tomorrow, I am going to leave my house at 5 a.m. to make it to spin. I will do this three mornings a week. Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I will walk in the neighborhood. I'm not thrilled about crazy early mornings but I have to do something. And this is an option. And if for some reason I don't get up and workout in the morning, I will have to MAKE myself go in the evenings. It's just simply what I have to do. So here goes nothing.

It's been a few days past a year since I started this journey - and I've lost 90 pounds in the year. I've made great strides but I am not there yet. And I want to get there. I want to believe in myself as a thin woman at goal weight. So believing in what it takes to get there, starts now.