The Balence Beam

Two weeks ago I was having a conversation with a couple of my friends that have been speech coaches for years and I made the comment that I am trying to find the magic pill that will make everything in my life balanced. They both died laughing and told me if I find that magic balance - to please share with them my secret.

So that is where I am at. I'm still struggling with finding balance. My life is so full. I have work - with includes teaching a new subject (which I'm really enjoying), running a speech program that involves traveling to debate tournaments most weekends and helping with the fall musical, taking on a great deal of the business details. Then I have a great man in my life. He is patient and kind and thankfully is fine with the fact that I just don't have a lot of extra time. Then there is my home life - trying to help my parents around the house (which I fail at miserably) and spending time with my family (which again, I often fail miserably at). And at the end of all of that, I still need to work out, eat, shop and do laundry.

I often feel like I am chasing my tail. Like I don't know which way is up and which way I should be heading. I love this life - I love all the components and I feel guilty even writing this blog because I have it good - and I mean that. But even though all the components are good, I still have to find the balance. I'm not balanced right now. I'm letting certain categories monopolize my time and at the end of the day, I'm not putting myself high enough on the food chain. And putting myself higher on that food chain means that I will make my workouts a priority and take care of myself.

My workouts are for me. They make me feel good. They help me sleep better. They release stress that I build up at work, etc. And I have to stop letting them be the thing that I don't give enough attention. I have to just deal with the fact that the gym isn't "on my way home" anymore and drive to the gym each night happily. I know that with my new schedule that I'm not going to be able to give my two hours each night that I was used to giving last year. But just because its got to be different, doesn't mean its bad.

I've come so far in this journey but its not over. And I have to remember that and keep working towards my goal. I've come to far to to stop and go backwards. And to continue to go forwards, I have to just bite the bullet and find balance that includes taking care of me.

It's not going to be easy and there is definitely going to be some trial and error involved but I will figure it out. I have figured it out up to this point. This is just another little trial.

When you want to believe in something, you also have to believe in everything that is necessary for believing in it. - Ugo Betti

If there is no struggle, there is no progress. - Frederick Douglass

Tonight as I started to prepare to write this blog, I went to my favorite quote site and put struggle into the search engine. A lot of quotes came up - about not giving up, about respecting the struggle, etc. But two quotes of the many stuck out to me. They are above.

So first, let's talk about the Douglass quote. How amazingly true this is. Nothing comes easy - or fast for that matter. I often get frustrated as I want things to happen quickly. I want to wake up tomorrow and be thin and at goal weight. But the truth of the matter is that I didn't get here overnight. I didn't gain this weight quickly and I am not going to lose it quickly.

And more importantly, if I did lose it quickly, would I appreciate the journey? If weight loss, like anything else, was easy - would we work to keep the weight off? I know personally, the journey, the struggles, are what make me appreciate where I have been and how far I have come. If this was easy, it would be easy to forget about all of the progress and go back to my own ways.

But those struggles, those hard times, are what brings us to appreciate the progress. I have gotten knocked down so many times during this progress. I have fallen - and even jumped off - the wagon. I have gotten lazy in my workouts and maybe eaten more chocolate that I should have. But regardless, I continue to come back to the straight and narrow - or at least the more straight and more narrow. I can look at pictures and look in the mirror and see the progress. And when I do that, I am thankful for the struggles as I know I am doing something right. And because I have made it through those struggles - because I have fought the good fight - I have more pride in what I am doing. And because of those struggles, I know in my heart that I can get back on track despite anything that gets thrown in my way.

And then the Betti quote - wow. This one simply struck me. It made me question myself. First, do I believe that I can achieve my goal. Do I believe that I can get down to 160 pounds and be happy and content in my new skin? And if I answer that question yes, do I believe in everything it is going to take me to get there?

I think the most important thing I need to get there and probably the most important question - is do I truly believe in myself? Most days, I would say yes. And then there are those few days where I simply don't know. And on those days, I have to get better at asking those around me to lift me up and help me to find that inner strength. I have gotten this far - and yet, I still struggle.

The last time I blogged, I was at my lowest point in this journey. I have been working hard to come back from that lost place. I've made some progress. But I am not there. But this weekend, I made some decisions.

The most important decision is about my workouts. The past two weeks I've worked to get my eating back under control but I didn't make it to the gym. I've found it so hard to make myself go to the gym after leaving work on late nights. So my workouts are moving. I'm moving them to the mornings.

This is not the most convenient option for me but its going to be what I have to do. Starting tomorrow, I am going to leave my house at 5 a.m. to make it to spin. I will do this three mornings a week. Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I will walk in the neighborhood. I'm not thrilled about crazy early mornings but I have to do something. And this is an option. And if for some reason I don't get up and workout in the morning, I will have to MAKE myself go in the evenings. It's just simply what I have to do. So here goes nothing.

It's been a few days past a year since I started this journey - and I've lost 90 pounds in the year. I've made great strides but I am not there yet. And I want to get there. I want to believe in myself as a thin woman at goal weight. So believing in what it takes to get there, starts now.

Confession Time

I've needed to write this post for about a week and I've started it so many times. But I couldn't finish it. I simply couldn't make myself admit - publiclly and to all of you - that I am struggling. But I have been - and I am.

So since I got back from Europe, I have been struggling with motivation. I simply have lost it. I don't much want to go to the gym. I haven't been as careful with food and watching what I eat. I just have lost some of that drive, some of that umpf that was pushing me. I have no idea where it has gone but I desperately need it back.

Last week was the pinnacle of my deception - mainly to myself. I ate a lot of fast food last week. And while I made OK choices when I went through the drive through, I felt ashamed. I didn't want anyone to see me in the drive through. It was a dirty little secret. I hated that I felt that shame. I'm an almost 32-year-old woman who was hiding her fast food bags so that anyone who got into my car could see it. I started this process so I wouldn't hide from the things I was doing anymore. And yet, last week, there I was. I was hiding from the truth- yet again.

It all came to a head on Sunday morning after spin class. I made it to spin after not setting my alarm and still being up in plenty of time. It was a great great class and I desperately needed it to feel strong and to really enjoy a workout. I walked out with my friend Kelli and while looking at her new car started talking. And before I knew it, I was crying. I told her my dirty little secret.

I told her that I felt like I was letting people down. By sharing my story and my struggles, I have gotten such an amazing outpouring of love and support. And I don't want to do anything to disappoint anyone.

But what Kelli pointed out was that if I was honest, I would just be showing everyone how human I am. So here it is - I am human. I have messed up. I fell off the wagon - hell, I jumped head first off the wagon.

But the truth is - I didn't like it down there. I started this process for a reason. I love the way I feel. I love the way I look in my size 20 jeans. I love that I stop and look in the mirror and have to double take sometimes because I simply don't believe it's really me. I love that I climbed castles all over Scotland and could breathe when I got to the top of the towers.

So I start over. I'm not going to be Pollyanna here and say I know how. Just wanting to NOT be in a funk doesn't magically make me not in a funk. I'm still struggling. I'm still bored in my workouts. I'm still bored with my food. I'm still struggling to find the time to make it all fit - and to have a life and ENJOY this life I have fought for for so long.

I am almost at my one year anniversary from starting this journey. I started last September 19th. In the 11 plus months since this began, I have lost almost 100 pounds. I have about six pounds to get to 100 pounds. I've been this close before and I've gotten scared before and stopped.

I am scared. I don't know what this new me looks like. I don't know what it feels like to be someone who is 150 or even 200 pounds lighter. But damnit, this time, I want to know. Yes, it scares me but I want to know. I've fought so hard to get here, I don't want to give up this time.

I have no idea how I am going to get here. But I'm going to still keep fighting my way. I'm going to talk to Adrian tomorrow and ask for his help. He's helped me through little struggles before. This one is huge and hopefully he can shed some light.

And I am going to stop hiding. I'm going to stop hiding my bad habits. I'm going to stop hiding from the fact that its OK to be successful here.

Again, I have no idea how. But I believe in a God who will show me the way. Maybe its time to ask him for help as well.

Starting Over

I simply cannot believe how long it as been since I posted. But here we are, again.

To erase any questions about the title, I haven't fallen off the wagon. But I still need a reboot.

So my summer in a nutshell: had three glorious weeks off in June although that was so long ago, I don't remember them. I then started a crazy, hectic graduate program which shook up every schedule and routine that I had put into place that was working. I then spent a bit over two weeks in Europe with school and then my mom and sister. Then I returned home, had one day off, went back to work. Then this past weekend, I traveled to Las Vegas for a wedding of a childhood friend. Then today, I started the new school year. During all this I juggled a new guy (who is patient and kind and luckily appreciates a busy woman), my workouts, my diet and somehow my sanity.

So how did my weight loss survive this crazy hurricane of a summer? It just did. I didn't lose crazy pounds this summer but somehow I lost a ton of inches. At my last measurement session, I had lost something like 7 or 8 inches total from all over my body. I have never had that kind of inches loss. It was astonishing. I was proud.

So here I am. I am going to reboot. I need new routines. Everything that I knew last year, everything that worked to get me almost 100 pounds lighter, has changed. I now have a job that I love that I am going to focus on. I now have a boyfriend who I want to spend time with. I now have other things in my life that I want to focus on as well as working out, eating right and all that jazz.

And what I have to realize is that it's OK to have these other priorities as well. I still have to put myself high on the list. I still have to make myself workout. I still have to watch what I eat and listen to my body. But I can live my life as well. I worked so hard last year so that my quality of life would be better. And now that it is, I am going to enjoy that new quality of life.

But that being said, this journey isn't over for me. It's just going to take a new path. I'm going to take what has worked and reshape it into a new look, a new time table and maybe some new activities. My new job is going to keep me at school long past my job last year did. I am going to have to work with this. Some evenings I might want to visit my guy, instead of two hours at the gym and I will have to work around this. These things aren't bad. These things aren't taking away from my success or my drive and desire to reach my goals. They are just going to reshape the way I do things.

Life is about change. My life changed when I set out on this journey nearly a year ago. I have changed. I have found a confidence and a light in myself that I had faked for many years. I don't fake it anymore. And its because of that confidence that I have found that I believe that I can succeed still, even with a life that looks a little different from that of the past.

And amazingly, I am OK with this. I am comfortable with this change. I am excited about finding new routines and patterns. I am excited about finding a little more flexibility in my life to actually enjoy life. I needed last year's structure and strict dedication. I needed it to get over the hump. But now, I can still be successful with doing things a little different.

Change is not bad, its just different. And just like all the other changes I have made in my life, these are going to be the right ones. The tide is always continuing to turn.

Some Random - Yet, Really Cool - Things

A Size 20

In an effort to afford school work today, I went shopping with mom. I wanted one pair of jeans and one pair of shorts that fit me correctly before I leave for Europe later this week. Mom needed new travel clothes as well.

So off we went. And went I got to the store, I started pulling size 22's off the shelf. I was a 24 mostly last time I bought jeans and as my 24s are huge now, I knew that I needed to go down. I took my clothes into the dressing room and tried things on. Most of my 22s fit great. This was exciting enough. THEN I tried on my jeans. The 22s were big. And I mean BIG. So I decided to try the 20. I had no illusion that they would actually fit. I mean last time I lost weight all those years ago, I never got to a 20. I figured I would be leaving without jeans as I was just in between sizes.

Then I tried on the 20s. And then fit like a glove. And I couldn't believe it. I look at my mom with a complete shock. She wasn't surprised as she is my number one cheerleader always and forever. But the 20s fit. In another 20 or so pounds, I will hopefully move out of the 20s. I haven't bought jeans or pants outside of the 20s in more years than I care to remember. It opens up my doors. I see the results of my success everyday but I still don't know how to accept it sometimes. And sometimes I just have to smile and let it sink in. The 20s fit.

Crossing My Legs

So I've always thought that women that could cross their legs were sexy. I always noticed how effortlessly thin people could cross their legs and sit comfortably for hours that way. It has never been me.

And over the past few weeks, I've realized that it is me. Now don't get me wrong, I can't cross them for hours effortlessly, but I can cross them for a reasonable amount of time. It doesn't hurt, its not uncomfortable. And I find that I do it subconsciously now.

I'll be damned if I'm not going to be one of those girls who can cross her legs. And I have to say, my calf muscles look pretty good when one leg is thrown over the over. Thanks, A for all those calf exercises that I despise.

The Seat belt - Again

Driving home today, I realized that I won't need a seat belt extender when I get on the plane to travel to the UK on Friday. At Spring Break I didn't need it - barely. But on Friday, when I sit into the seat, I am going to fit comfortable and buckle my seat belt with no sweating, grunting or struggling.

What a great way to start my trip.

So Close, Once Again

Seven years ago I had a lot of success losing weight. I lost almost 100 pounds. I never hit that 100 pound mark. I was close - so very close - and yet I didn't let myself reach that point.

So here I am again - so close. I've currently lost 93 pounds total and I'm seven pounds away. Yet, this time is different. I will hit it this time. I can see myself well beyond this goal. I can see myself in a size 10. I can see myself in a small wedding dress someday. I can see myself running triathlons and running the MS 150.

Hitting the 100 pound goal is a huge accomplishment. But it is not THE accomplishment. It's just a milestone. I'll celebrate and I'll go to the gym the next day. It's just part of the journey - not the end. Yes, some days its frustrating to think I've come this far and still have so far to go. But at the end of the day, its just how it is. Focusing on the frustratations of the unchangeable circumstances aren't going to make it any different.

So I choose to celebrate and continue. And eventually, I will celebrate losing another 100 pounds. And eventually, I will fit into those smaller clothes and be in the shape of my life.

And at the end of the day - I can't say that I would have it any other way.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

So today, I hit a new point with A, and more importantly with myself.

This week was my first week of this crazy four week graduate program. I've been in class for 12 hours a day, eaten lunch while studying, worked out each morning at 7 a.m. (leaving my house at 6 a.m. to go work out) and had scheduled my weekly workout session with my trainer for this morning.

Today also happened to be my monthly weigh-in. I weighed in and had lost 10 pounds for the month. THIS is a good month. There is nothing anywhere that can convince me that it wasn't. The not so good came from the fact that I didn't lose inches. Everything was stagnant. And while I love losing pounds, I even more enjoy watching the inches go down each month.

A was a little worried. He talked about maybe I need to eat less, etc. And I stopped him. It hit me - for the first time since I started this journey - I have to put my life ahead of my weight loss.

I've paid a great deal to be a part of this graduate program. It means a lot to me. I'm enjoying every single moment of it and I'm proud to be a part of it. And while I am still going to get up two hours earlier than I have to so that I can make it to the campus gym and while I am still going to pack my healthy lunch and snacks, I am going to focus on school for a month. And that is OK. It simply has to to be.

I feel like I have been practicing for this for almost a year. I have been learning how to juggle busy schedules with a healthy lifestyle. I have learned how to cope with stress and learned how to make good decisions. I've learned all of these things about me with the knowledge that eventually I was going to have to use these skills. And here I am. The rubber is officially meeting the road and I have to make it work.

I'm still passionate about losing weight. I'm still far from my goal and I still thank God everyday for the success I have had and all of the amazing things it has brought into my life. But for the first time - it can't be in the forefront of my thoughts. With my 12 hour school days, followed by my two hours of studying each night, I have to sleep sometime. And I have to eat high protein foods so that my brain will still absorb into at 8 p.m. at night when I got up at 5:45 that morning. I have to do these things.

It's only a month. My goal for this month is to lose weight. My goal is to stay on track - without having to put every ounce of energy I have into it. I've been preparing for this test just as I've studying for quizzes this week and writing papers. Now, I am going to be tested. And I will succeed.

I have no choice.

Lots of New

I haven't written in a few weeks. I've been busy. I've been busy with a lot of NEW.

New has always been scary to me. I like routine. I like knowing what is coming my way. I like knowing what my schedule is going to look like. I like knowing when and where I can do the things I need to do.

But my life - as of late - has been shaken up.

I have a new job. I'm still getting used to my new - and still changing body. I have a new boy. I start a new chapter in my schooling on Monday. All of these things in my life are great and welcome. Yet, now I need to stop and figure out how to juggle all of the new that is hitting me at once.

So far - I think I've done alright. I have taken these past four weeks to work out A LOT. I went in the mornings, leaving my house for the gym before my sister headed to work some mornings. I worked out in the evenings. I ate healthy. I slept a lot. I read theater theory, I memorized monologues and a certain Shakespeare sonnet which ate my lunch. I went on dates. But most important, I took care of myself. I didn't stress. I didn't freak out because my schedule wasn't set. I just let it happen.

And what I learned in just letting it all happen is that I can still make the good choices. I have lost 12 pounds this month. It's one of my biggest months since the beginning of this journey. And yet, I have been less structured than ever before. I trusted in my abilities to make good choices and still live my life. And I still succeeded.

I'm going to remember this in the coming weeks. Monday I embark on 12 hour class days and from what I've been warned - crazy amounts of homework. And I'm going to still try to juggle this great guy, my family and friends and prep work for my new job at my new school. And yet, I am more confident now than ever before that I can still be successful. I can do this.

I've made plans. I'm going to work out in the mornings and enjoy it. I'm going to bring my lunch and dinner everyday. I'm going to work during lunches and dinners when I can. I'm going to make this work. And in six weeks - when I return from Europe - I will be even lighter and even more healthy.

Life happens. And it's an absolutely beautiful life. It's time for me to really live it.

The Real Climb

Sorry these pictures are wayyyyy out of order. :) I don't seem to be intelligent enough to order them correctly. :)

Now what? Oh, yeah, I guess I have to go down now. :)

From the top! What a view...

The bottom looking up.

Me at the bottom, before I have started my trek!

The trail that would kick my arse!

So happy driving.

I went climbing today. I nearly stopped, several times. But I made it to the top. Here is the story.

While on my short little road trip across Texas, I visited my friend Cortney in Vernon, Texas. Mapquest told me that it would take me home through the DFW area. That wouldn’t have been bad but I wasn’t quite ready to end my get-away. I decided I still needed a day – one that would just be for me.

So I did my Priceline magic and got a room for the night in Fredericksburg. I knew I loved the Hill country and that it was good for my soul. So after my hotel room was in place, I started looking at things around the area. And it hit me – Enchanted Rock.

I knew Enchanted Rock was near Fredericksburg and Llano. And as many times as I have made the trip to Llano with my good friends, we had never made the trip to Enchanted Rock. So I made up my mind. I was going to climb that sucker. I mean besides – I’m in good shape, it should be easy. I was a little mislead about just exactly how good of shape I am in.

So I left Vernon about 8:30 Monday morning and headed down through West Texas towards the Hill Country. I had frozen my water bottles the night before and bought sunscreen and a hat for the climb. I knew it would be hot but I was ready for that.

Then I arrived. I had seen pictures of Enchanted Rock. I knew that Summit Trail was just over a half of a mile with a climb of 650 to 800 feet. Yet, I really had no idea just how high that is and just how much it would hurt as I pushed my still 300 plus body up that granite hill.

I started off with a good pace. It was a slight climb. It was uneven and rocky but I felt that I had my footing pretty well in place. This is so like when I started losing weight. It was somewhat easy in the beginning. I still had the energy and the excitement of starting a new journey. My feelings in the beginning stages of the climb reminded me of those first couple weeks where I was losing large numbers easy week and was still really excited about the exercise and everything that came with it.

Then it got harder. The rock steps gave way to just smooth granite steep hills. I stood there today and wondered what I had gotten myself into. My body still felt ok – although it was taking longer for me to catch my breathe. I pride myself that I can recover after a crazy spinning song really fast. Well, a few hundred feet up – your body just doesn’t recover quite as well. Or so I learned.

But I took my time. I would pick a point and climb to it. This is what I have been doing for so long. I’ve been setting these little goals and busting my rear to get to them. I would have to keep reminding myself to look behind me – to see just what I had accomplished. I don’t do this enough in this journey. I get frustrated with the road ahead of me and if I would stop to look back a bit more I think some of that frustration would ease.

As I got higher and higher, it got steeper and harder for me. I watched people pass me barely out of breathe. It bothered me. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I have worked so hard to NOT be that girl. And yet, there I was – 8 months later – 80 pounds lighter – in great shape – and hurting and struggling for breathe as I climbed the giant.

I sat down to respond to a text message that I had received. It was from my best friend. I told him I wanted to quit even though I was near the top of the mountain. I told him I was hurting. And I told him that I was tired of quitting when it got too hard.

I knew he would write me back and encourage me. But I actually didn’t need it. All I needed to see was that I DON’T want to quit in writing. I don’t want to be that girl who gives up so easy. So I stood and keep climbing. I got to the edge of the top plateau. It’s huge for those of you who haven’t been to Enchanted Rock. I didn’t walk the entire top. I just stood there. I caught my breathe (for a long time), took some pictures and took it all in.

I had no idea when I decided to visit Enchanted Rock that it would become such a monumental thing for me. I had no idea it would be so hard. I had no idea that those old habits of wanting to quit when it gets too hard would come racing back to me. But then did. And I dealt with it.

Despite my recent set back, maybe – just maybe – I have come a lot further than I thought. Maybe I do have what it takes inside of me. I still have lots of mountains to climb. But now I know – that at my own pace, with my willpower – I can make it to the top.

Yep, I can climb any mountain. Let the games begin.

My New Normal

Tomorrow I have my monthly weigh-in and measurement session with my trainer. And for the first time since I started this journey back in September, I am scared. I don't think it was a good month.

I've been thinking all day about how I got off track. I guess what is strange to me is how easily it happened. Now don't get me wrong, I haven't leaped face first off a building into a large peanut butter cup Blizzard. But I have gotten complacent.

I have still been working out but maybe not quite as hard. I think I am in a rut. I go through the motions but I don't always have the desire and will to be there. Last week, I was complaining through a certain - rather painful - set of ab exercises. A just laughed - as he loves to torture me - and told me that with my willpower, I can get through it. That has been the case all along. That was the case the first time I got on a spin bike - with the plan to make it through 30 minutes of class and then crawl away to lick my wounds (or ice my sore regions) - and made it through the hour. But somehow - somewhere - in the midst of the end of the school year, the stress with the uncertainty of where I will call my school home next year and everything else, I seem to have misplaced that willpower.

And probably even more damaging that my lack of zest at the gym has been my eating. Again, I haven't gone crazy. I haven't picked back up my habit of buying a family size bag of Reece's peanut butter cups and eating the whole bag - in one evening. I haven't had any ice cream (my nemesis). But I have been having that extra handful of Goldfish. Or maybe that second serving of dinner with I didn't need it. I let those bad habits of stress eating creep back in. It's not a good thing. It's not something I wanted to ever see happen. But it did so I have to learn from it and keep moving along.

But maybe its a good life lesson. Life is going to happen always. I am always going to reach stressful points in my life. I am going to hit highs and lows. All of that is normal. What has to become my new normal is how I deal with it. I have to find that way to deal with it and not let it ruin my success or knock me off track. This journey I am on isn't a quick trip. I'm not going to reach these goals overnight. So in the meantime, I have to continue to work on me. I have to continue to tweak this new normal. There is no one or no situation that I can blame for getting off track. This is me - and only me. And me- and only me - can get myself back on track.

So tomorrow when I get back on the scale with A, I will hold my breathe and hope for the best. I will hope the inches show some success where maybe the scale fails me. But more important than what the data is going to show me tomorrow is that it will be a fresh start. I will walk out of the gym tomorrow morning with a new resolve to get back on track.

I will take that resolve on my week trip around the state. I went through tonight and made a plan of workouts around the state for this quick road trip. I am going to workout with former students in Waco and no doubt I'll workout with one of my biggest supporters who I am visiting in West Texas. I am going to make this work.

This is my new normal. The quicker I accept it, the happier I am going to be.

A Catalyst

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.-- Mary Engelbreit

Usually I write about me. I write about my issues and struggles, my successes and neurosis. Today is a little different. I am going to write about you.
When I started this journey, I decided I was going to be completely transparent. I was going to post everything. I was going to be honest and not hide things. There is nothing quite like posting that you weight over 350 pounds on your Facebook for your entire world to see.
But I knew when I did, I would be accountable to a level that I hadn’t been before. And that has been the case.

What I didn’t expect was that people would say that I am an inspiration. I feel so unworthy of that. The simple truth – as least as I see it – is that I just found something inside me – a drive, a desire, a want – that has made it work this time.

And the even simpler truth – is that we all have it inside us. When my friends post and say I am an inspiration, I don’t deserve it. I am so humbled by that label. If I inspire anything, I just want them to learn how to look deep inside them selves and find what I know is there. Any of us has the ability to change, we just have to want it.

And as Engelbreit said, if we can’t change it then we need to change the way we look at it. And that is what I have done. And that is what each of us can do.

We can look at our weight struggles, or image struggles or esteem struggles as obstacles that are too daunting to ever face. When I started this journey, I was at 388 pounds. That is a huge number. It’s a daunting number. It’s easy to look at it as I would never be able to overcome it.

But this time, I didn’t look at it that way. I was finally in a better place. I was happy in Houston with my family. I was immediately surrounded by supportive people that loved me. I was in a job that allowed me a lot of time to be able to focus on myself. All of the ducks were in the correct rows. And when all of that happened, that drive and desire that I had buried all those years deep inside me was easy to access.

And this is the case for everyone. We can all find that desire. Anyone can change and grow. We all have struggles and things we want to improve upon ourselves. I truly believe that everything we need to succeed and overcome our personal obstacles is within ourselves. I was lucky enough to be in the right place to find it. I was lucky enough to have the right catalysts in my life.

And so I have one hope for my friends who hope to make positive changes in their lives be it with exercise and diet or some other area. I hope that if you are still looking for that catalyst to help you find that desire and strength within yourselves – that I can help you be that catalyst.

I’m not doing anything that hundreds of thousands of people haven’t already done for years. But if my success shows you that all of us – even us normal people with lives and families and jobs and stress – can accomplish this, then I am happy that my success has inspired you.

And if I can help you – I will. I want my struggles to help others as well. Because all of you – with your comments and support – have helped me in this journey more than I can ever thank you. I would love to repay the favor.

My Life – as a Reality Show

So this morning one of my friends posed an intriguing question on his Facebook. He asked “If your life was a reality show, what would it be called?” This got me to thinking. I can’t say it would be one show – but a mixture of many. So here goes.

Biggest Loser – Willeby Style

Of course, I have to start with the Biggest Loser. It was the motivation back in September for my family and me to start this journey. It has been a motivation for me for years. Trying out for the show two years ago was an experience that taught me more about myself in a six hour window of time than I have probably learned in spans of years. Here are a few other comparisons.

So many days, my life does look like an episode of our favorite tear-inducing show. I have a trainer, who kicks my butt regularly. Granted, he doesn’t kick my butt for six or eight hours a day, seven days a week but he still makes a huge difference.
I feel like I live at the gym. I spent between and hour and two hours there each night, depending on the day of the week. Some weeks, I think I spend more of my waking hours at the gym than I do at home.

I yell and cry about the whole process. Granted – not nearly as much. And probably not nearly as dramatically. But I do get frustrated. When I have a lousy weigh-in or a measurement that just baffles me (like last week), I get frustrated. I don’t cry and yell at my trainer or at the gym. But I have my moments – usually in solitude – where I deal with the emotional roller coaster that is major weight loss.

Top Chef – The Healthy Challenge Season

I cook a lot. I’ve gotten to where I enjoy cooking for my family. I like taking recipes and trying them. I love taking things that have long been a staple in my family’s food life and making them healthier.

Over Mother’s Day weekend, we had my family over to the house. We were celebrating Mother’s Day, my aunt and grandmother’s birthdays and my cousin’s graduation from nursing school. Mom wanted me to make cupcakes. So I did. But I didn’t just make them normal – I used a can of diet soda instead of the oil and eggs. I had always heard a lot about this ole weight watchers trick. I had read about it online. But I hadn’t tried it. It was a hit. Score a point for healthy cooking.

I love cookbooks and loving trying new fruits and vegetables. I am beyond excited about my dad’s garden because it is producing so many fresh fruits and vegetables already. I will be grilling fresh zucchini and squash tonight with our chicken for dinner.

I won’t claim that everything I cook is good – because well, I’ve had some questionable experiments. But all chef’s – even those this season on Top Chef Masters – don’t always get it right. For me the fun is in the trying to get it right and knowing that I am being so much better to my body by feeding it well.

The Tour de France – A Day in the Life of

I love spinning. If you are one of my faithful five readers, you probably have figured this one out. Or I’ve probably told you a million times by now. But it’s the truth.

I am in great shape right now. Yes, I still have 150 pounds to lose, but my heart is in good shape and I feel pretty confident in most exercise situations right now. BUT I am still a big girl. And I still have to take care of my knees and my joints – which is where spinning comes in.

On a spin bike, I’m not a 310 girl anymore. I’m a healthy, fast, STRONG rider. I can do 10 or 12 minute endurance rides (meaning standing up in the saddle the entire time) rather easily. In fact, I typically add resistance or other things to make it a little more challenging.

I don’t worry if my knee is going to go out or if my ankle is going to start hurting after spinning. I just know that I am strong and I can hang with most anyone in the class. I love this feeling. I have never before been one of the stronger ones in any aerobics class. But it’s a feeling that I love and cherish. It’s a feeling that makes me so faster and longer and harder. It gives me a sense of accomplishment.

I still do a large variety of exercises - machines and classes. But I heart spinning. I look forward to spinning. I think about it when I get up in the morning. In a way, I am on my own Tour de self.

The Twilight Zone, the episode where “Everything Changes”

So much about this process and everything is surreal to me. It’s hard to believe. It’s hard to understand.

I look at myself in the mirror and I am not sure who is looking back at me sometimes. I love this woman. I like the way I look and I take a great joy in the little changes that continue to happen in my body. Recently, while on a spin bike I looked down my arm and noticed a tiny bit of definition. I mean a TINY bit. But it’s definition. And it looks great. And it still surprises me that its there.

The rational me knows that I have worked my rear off to get here. But the skeptical side of me still can’t believe its happening. I like mirrors. I look in them often. And I still find myself wondering who that person is that is looking back.

I like clothes and I am falling in love with shopping. I have gotten interested in jewelry and have even bought some costume jewelry. This is kind of a wild thing for the girl who doesn’t even wear a watch. And its going to turn into a very expensive endeavor I am sure.

I wear makeup every day. Yes, every day. It’s weird. And if you’ve known me for any length of time, you know that something major has changed in me to make me wear makeup EVERY day. It’s a shocker.

All of these things are fun and new and exciting and even though I am nine months into this process, I still can’t believe they are happening to me. Every time I step on the scale, I expect my weight to be in the 380s again. Again, logically I know it’s not going to happen. But emotionally and irrationally, I still feel like this is all a dream.

Everything has changed.

And I don’t want to wake up.

Going Through the Motions

So you’ll have to forgive me here, but as I sat here thinking about writing a new blog post, a certain song from the Buffy Musical episode came to mind. Granted, some of the song – mainly the part about our girl Buffy fighting demons – doesn’t exactly match what I’m feeling – or maybe it does.

Every single night/The same arrangement/I go out and fight the fight

This is my struggle. I work out – A LOT. I do Zumba. I spin. I do the elliptical. I work out with my trainer. I enjoy the sweating. I enjoy the results when I step on the scale. But I’m in a slump. Every single night – I’m just going through the motions. It’s still working and I’m still succeeding but some days, especially the past two weeks, its been hard to make myself go. Once I’m there, I am happy to be sweating and working out.

But some days – I just wish it was different. I wish this wasn’t my burden. I wish that I would get home from work and the gym before 8 p.m. I wish I didn’t HAVE to work this hard. Yes, it may be a bit of a pity party – and I’m sure this too will pass – but its just the way it is.

Going through the motions/Walking through the part/Nothing seems to penetrate my heart/I was always brave/ And kind of righteous/Now I find I’m wavering

I’m strong. I’m proud. I’m going to achieve these goals. I talk the right talk. I say the right things. And for the most part, I’ve been able to match the results with the talk. But what if that stops happening? What if I fail? What if I let people down? I’m so humbled by the people in my life that have chosen to support me and lift me up. What if I fail them? I know that that if I do then that means that I have failed myself first. I want this so bad and its scary to want something this bad.

I was watching a wedding show Sunday and watching a skinny beautiful bride try on dresses. I allowed myself to start daydreaming about trying on small wedding dresses someday. Then I started to feel the panic set in. What if I don’t get there? What if I fail? I’ve been so strong in my resolve this entire time but now I understand the line about wavering. Nothing has changed – I’m still working out, I’m still eating right. But that pesky self-doubt critter is trying to make a nest.

Will I stay this way forever/Sleepwalk through my life’s endeavor/I don’t want to be/Going through the motions/Losing all me drive /I can’t even see if this is really me/And I just want to be Alive

I think this final stanza of the song says is all. I don’t want to be this way forever. Maybe the truth is that for all these years, I’ve simply been sleepwalking through life. I’ve been pretending to be happy and confident. Yes, I am confident at work and in certain areas but not everywhere. I’ve faked it well. I’ve always felt the heat crawl up my neck to my face when I walked into a bar or a crowded room. I’ve always wondered what people thought of me. I’ve always been embarrassed that I could keep up with people walking in a group. Those things have changed and are continuing to change.

I’m not that girl anymore. And I have to figure out the way around this slump. I don’t want to be going through the emotions. I want to be working and succeeding and loving every moment. I know I can get there… but it’s been eight months and I am in a low moment. I’ve been fighting my way back to the living and I am there. Now I have to figure out how to stay here. Because I just want to be ALIVE.

Tears of a Different Emotion

Each week I watch the Biggest Loser and I watch the contestants break down and cry. My mom and I have often talked about why they cry so much. We always decide that it’s the sheet exhaustion that must come with working out six to eight hours a week.
Well, yesterday, I realized that those emotions come from lots of different places.
I knew this week had been a good weight loss week. Before stepping on the scale, I was one pound away from 70 but I knew that there was a good chance I would crack 75. Everything was almost easy last week. I ate really healthy – and actually enjoyed my food. And I felt like I had really broken through a wall in my workouts. I knew that I was going to be happy once I got on the scale.
So when I got home from the gym, I changed my shoes and immediately went to weigh. I couldn’t believe the scale. I had lost 6 pounds. I hadn’t lost six pounds since I started this journey back in September. But on top of the large weight loss, I had hit a pretty large goal for me. I had hit 75 pounds GONE.
I can’t even tell you the emotions that surged through me. I happily told my sister and went to hit my Facebook to tell all my amazing friends and family. I then needed to run to the little store to get something for my sister, who was cooking. I got into the car, started it and started crying.
Yet, it was sadness. In fact, there was no sadness anywhere in my being. I was relieved. I was overjoyed. I was happy.
And that feeling hasn’t gone away. I’m still so overjoyed with my success and this milestone that I feel like I could cry. But they are happy tears – most welcome tears.
I have never felt this good – physically or emotionally. Everyone knows that this journey is a physical one. To be successful, you have to kick your own rear (or pay people to kick your rear) at the gym. I’ve done that. But I think the part that has been missing is that I have never been so emotionally healthy.
I have an amazing family who loves me and supports me every step of the way. My parents doing this with me has forever changed my life – and I hope theirs as well. My sister has gotten even more specific and careful about what she cooks to make sure its healthy- for us. My brothers and Khrista are so supportive and loving as is the rest of the family. My friends on Facebook have been an immeasurable support system to me. I feel so unworthy of their love and support but I take it and use it each week. I post my daily doings so that I know I will do it – even those two or three hour gym days.
I am so humbled by the support I get online and I don’t think I will ever be worthy of it. I just hope that by sharing my journey that I am helping other people along the way as well. My gym has become my family as well – with my friends and aerobic instructors who push me and support me and just notice when I’m not there. This amazing web of people has built a support system that has healed me emotionally. They have let me grieve and let me celebrate. I am ok now. I am proud of who I am. I am proud of how I look. I am proud of who I am becoming. I am proud of how strong I am. I’ve never been able to say that I am truly proud of what I’ve accomplished but right now, I am.
I’ve lost weight before but I’ve never felt this good. I simply think the time was right for me this time. I think THIS is my time.

A Different Fit

I think I may have grown more in the past month than I have during this entire process. Let me explain.
I just broke a plateau. And when I say a plateau, I mean the TOP of Mt. Everest plateau. I didn’t gain, I didn’t lose. I just sat still. I was frustrated at the beginning and then I decided to step back.
I talked to my trainer about ways to jump start my body. He gave me ideas and warned me against other ideas. He said that time is what it would take. And he was right. It took three weeks, a lower carb diet and getting extremely sick to break it. But I did and I am losing again.
And the lesson I’ve learned is that this IS going to happen for me. I can get stuck for three weeks and still pick right back up. And more importantly, when I get stuck now – I keep trucking through it. In the past, I would give up. After two weeks of no progress, I would just go back to my old ways.
But not this time. Not even during the two week “UIL window” in which my life revolved around One-Act play, speech and debate. Not even when I was miserably sick but still having to be at work and direct and coach. Not even when the scale sat at exactly the same place for three weeks. Not this time. This time, I found things to change. I “detoxed” from the scale. I didn’t weigh in all the time, as had become the habit. I went back to the drawing board and changed my diet some. I pulled back some on the cardio (especially with the illness). But somehow, through all of it, I lost weight. My body gave in to my changes and I am back on track.
I really believe that I can make these changes now. I can be a thinner person and live my life. I can work 30 hours at the rodeo and drink and party at the rodeo – and NOT gain weight. I can work a 60 hour week and not gain weight. I can plan and be prepared for everything life throws at me.
It’s a great comfort knowing that I am in control still. That this time was different – that I didn’t lay down in defeat. They say that it takes 10 days for something to become a habit. I think my habits are set in concrete now. And it feels so great.

****

I’ve had three experiences lately that I excited me beyond belief but that I had never though about or looked forward to. Both of them involved seats.
When you’re a big gal, you get used to hoping you fit comfortably in a seat in public. This could be a desk in a classroom, a seat in an auditorium. Each time, I would approach the seat and look for an option if I didn’t fit. Especially with it involved a desk. Most of the time, I wouldn’t even try to sit in the desk. I would immediately find a chair to pull to the desk and make some excuse.
Well, last Friday we were at Sharpstown High School for OAP. My girls were working on lines and I went over to work with them a bit. Without even thinking, I slipped down into the desk. It wasn’t until I was sitting comfortably in it that I realized I fit. And I didn’t fit tightly; I was comfortably sitting in the desk with room to spare. I just smiled to myself and moved on.
The second “seat” experience came when I flew to Dallas over Spring Break. I love to fly and each and every time I always dread one thing – having to ask for a seatbelt extender. The flight attendants always look at you with distaste as they go get it and then hand it to you as openly and publicly as possible. It’s embarrassing and I’ve even contemplated stealing the extender before so that I could always have my own and wouldn’t have to ask for the extender. Well, there is no need for that anymore. I sat into the seat to settle in for the quick flight to Dallas, grabbed my seatbelt and clicked it on. No seatbelt extender needed. I smiled to myself extra big as the flight attendants walked by. I didn’t need to bug them.
And the third “seat” experience has come several times this One-Act Play season. During this season, I find myself in a lot of auditoriums, sitting in a lot of different chairs. Well, Monday night I snuck in to the Midway auditorium and sat down right before a show started. And I realized that the arms of the chair weren’t touching me on either side. Not only did I fit, but there was room to spare. I kind of wiggled around in my seat to make sure it was true and it was. I fit. Comfortably. No more bruises on my legs where I had to squeeze into a chair. Never again.

*****

During the rodeo, my family and I made a LOT of trips out to the rodeo. Sometimes we went to the rodeo, sometimes contents, often to drink. Well, the night the Black Eyed Peas played, my entire family went out to see the concert. We all meet and we walked around a bit.
That night after we got home, my mom gave me a huge compliment. She told me she realized just how much I had changed. She said that she can no longer easily spot me in a crowd of people because of my size. She said I just blend into the mix of people now.
In a world where I try so hard not to be just like everyone else, where I want to stand out, I will take being just part of that crowd.

******

This journey is all about things being different. The obvious has to be different – my workouts, my eating, my dedication. But there are a lot of other changes. How my body looks, how I deal, how I fit into airplane seats. You never think about the little things like fitting into seats and shocking people with how you look. But those are the little things that somehow keep me going. I’ll continue to bask in the little different fits.

My Top Ten List

My last post was deep and kind of depressing. But I was kind of in a rough place. But I’m doing better and had a brilliant idea for a new blog while shaving my legs in the shower today…. As you can tell, it’s going to be a little more lighthearted.

There are so many things about this new life that I love. Some are big and some are simply silly (like what dawned on me in the shower). So I am going to share my current top ten list with you….. drum roll please.

My Top Ten

10. I have tons more dirty laundry at the end of each week. Yes, I know you are wondering why in the world I would love more laundry. I love the extra work because it means that I have been taking care of business at the gym. As my fellow friends know, when you work out five or six days a week, you dirty up a ton more clothes. It means I have to wash workout clothes at least once a week. But you know, it’s a good burden to have.

9. The shower revelation: I have definition in my calf muscles. Yes, is silly and yes, my calf muscles are still large to carry around my body but I have definition in them. It’s not just one huge muscle, you can actually see where the different muscles are. I never thought calf muscles were really sexy but as I see mine change and grow, maybe calf muscles are sexy.

8. Crystal Light Single Serving packets. These absolutely rock my world. I don’t mind plain water and I still drink plenty of it. (Especially at the gym, I need plain water after a good workout!). But during the day, especially when its cold, Crystal Light makes it go down a little easier. And if you read the box very carefully, several flavors have caffeine. And one of them has a HUGE amount of caffeine. And lets me honest, some days we just need a pick me up.

7. I look forward to the gym. The past couple days have been crazy busy for me with plays, debate, etc. So Thursday and Friday of this week became my rest days. And I will admit. I cheat. I typically only take one “real” rest day a week. So I took two this week (my trainer will be happy). And today – after getting released from my debate duties, I couldn’t wait to get to the gym. I was almost giddy as I pulled into the parking lot. It was like seeing a long lost friend after a long absence. And it had been two days.

6. Spinning. I love spinning. In fact, I’m kind of obsessed with it. I hear a new song on the radio and I think – that would be a great song for a spin soundtrack. Today when I went to the gym I went into the spin room, put on my Velcro spin shoes and did my own class. But before I started I clicked through my iPOD and listened to beats. I picked two long songs for endurance rides (5 mins and two songs together that added up to 7 mins, 30 seconds) and then I started. I’m completely in love.

5. Zumba. It’s just fun. Even the classes with the “boring” instructor can be fun. Last week, one of my friends in the class and I thought we would spice it up. We were on the next to back row, with a couple clueless (and coordination-less) guys behind us. We kept throwing in our own dance moves. Then I told her it was time to doing the Beyonce booty – I went into a squat position and started shaking with the good lord gave me. I laughed and then remembered I had the guys behind me. One of them stopped and looked a little shell shocked. Glad I could entertain him. But even in the classes with Kenyatta, my favorite instructor, I put my own stamp on the dances. I mean, that’s what a true dancer does, right?

4. My Confidence. I’ve always acted confident in every aspect of my life. And in many of them, I was really confident. But in many others, I just pretended well. But that’s changing. I’m finding a confidence in myself that I haven’t ever really felt before. It’s pretty cool.

3. Makeup. This one is for my friend Cortney. For years, she’s harped me to look nice when I go to work. She would tease me about only wearing makeup when I had a special occasion. My students at school would always question me when I wore makeup – asking me if I had a date (and they were usually right). But earlier this semester, I started putting makeup on in the mornings. Sometimes during the commute, sometimes waiting for my windshield to defrost and sometimes during first period conference, I put it on every day. And I have to admit, even though I will never hear the end of it, I actually like how I look with makeup on. What a concept.

2. Conquering Stairs. I teach in a mammoth old building. It’s three stories tall and sprawling. At the beginning of the year, I dreaded going to the office or the copy room or anywhere. But not anymore. Now, I’m happy to make that third trip to the office. And if I have to go to an office upstairs, its all good. It’s more steps on my bodybugg. And the stairs don’t conquer me. I conquer them.

1. Being healthy. I never imagined I would find such great joy in being healthy. I enjoy good food made with fruits and vegetables. Mom and I have started to really enjoy looking up low-fat recipes. I like that I don’t dread going to the gym or walking upstairs. I like that I can hang with anyone in spin class. I like that my body thanks me for taking so much weight off of it. There are a lot of perks to being thinner but the simple fact is that I want to be healthy. And this time, I’m going to be.

A Rough Patch

It's been awhile since I've written. Until I just logged in, I had no idea it had really been.

I use this as my sounding board. As my place to brag, to vent, to deal. Today I'm dealing.

I'm frustrated. And I'm scared. Yeah, there it is.

I'm scared.

I've had a long history with losing weight. Eight years ago, I lost a few pounds shy of 100 pounds. I didn't do it healthy - per say. I worked out like a dog and ate less than 1,000 calories a day. I dropped the weight in about eight months. I was thinner but I'm not sure I was ever really healthier. And then my life changed - I started teaching - and I gained it back.

Since then, I've joined Weight Watchers, The Biggest Loser Online, etc. I've probably rejoined or tried a new diet at least once - if not more times - a year since I lost all that weight. I would get 20 or even 30 pounds in - and my routine would change and I would go back to the old way.

SO here I am now. I've lost 54 pounds since September. I've done it healthy with a good diet and a good variety of exercise. I am in excellent shape. In fact, I'm probably in the best shape of my life. I judge my workouts on how much I sweat. And I love that. And yet, this is the point where my success and the rest of the journey always overwhelms me.

Yes, I've lost 54 pounds but I still have more than 100 to lose. I'm not even near the halfway point of this journey yet. That's scary. It's overwhelming. I know what the books say - you set little goals and those help to break down magnitude of it all. But the bottom line is that I still have a long way to go. I'm so afraid to fail - I have shared my struggle and my journey so publically that I'm afraid of failing so pubically.

I'm also scared of what my life looks like as a thinner person. I've always been the big girl. I was in high school, in college and even in my adult life. I'm comfortable in the role. I don't know what life would like like if I wasn't the big girl. My extra weight is like a security blanket and I'm not sure how to function without it.

I know that I have so much more invested this time. I've invested a lot of money and a lot of time. I've been transparent and involved my circle of friends. That has to be the difference for me this time. But at the same time, I still hear a little voice... that little voice that gets me off track everytime ... telling me that I won't make it.

But I have to. I want this so bad. I want to be healthy and thin. I want everything that will come to me in that part of my life. I want to be a healthy wife and mother someday. I want to be a healthy daughter and aunt to my siblings kids. I want to be small - so that I am healthy, have more energy and lets me honest - look as hot as I feel inside.

So this time, I have to use that fear of failure to my benefit. I have to use it to push me harder to achieve this goal. I'm not sure how. In fact, I have no idea how. But I will figure it out as I go. I will use those around me to push me and to catch me when I begin to fall. It's quite a burden and I'm blessed with people that are willing to help carry it.

But for the first time in my life, I have to face the fact that I can't do this alone. Yes, its my sweat equity and my actions of putting things in my mouth but I have to have those around me as support. I've tried it alone before. It didn't work.

And this time has to be different.

Tonight, I completed a journey.
I ran/jogged/walked 3.2 miles at midnight with my daughter, one of my best friends of 25 years and her daughter. It was 3.2 miles on paper but it was so much more to me.
As I walked/jogged the journey, with Dusty ahead of me – yelling and cheering and pushing me – I left so many things on that concrete.
I left the anger and frustrations of being overweight and this constant struggle. I’m not angry anymore. I am motivated. I have to simply accept this is my burden. But this is not something I cannot face – or beat. I am overweight. I have been most of my life. But its in my control. With every step down the road tonight, I simply kept telling myself that I am in control. I am going to succeed this time.
I left the excuses behind. There is always going to be bad days, birthday parties, and sore muscles. There is always going to be stresses and ups and downs and vacations. But after the setbacks happen, there is always another day. There is always another moment for me to step up and start over. One bad day or birthday party isn’t going to erase all of my success. And its not going to set me back anymore either.
I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for and tonight I proved it to myself. I have amazing people in my life who believe in me and yet, somehow I have failed to believe in myself. That is changing.
And while I left things behind, I realized so many things as well.
I am so strong. I can do anything I put my mind to. Absolutely anything. I can walk a 5K at midnight and complete it in under an hour. I can do Zumba or spinning or step class. I can lose 43 pounds in four months and keep going. And a year from now, I can complete another 5K and RUN it.
Once I got to the race tonight, I was scared. I covered it well with laughter and dancing in the parking lot but I was scared. I didn’t want to finish last (which I didn’t…..I beat about six people!). I didn’t want to let myself down. I didn’t want to let my trainer down and my friends and family down who have cheered and supported me tirelessly. I didn’t want to fail at all – I wanted to succeed.
I have known for a long time how amazing my family and friends are but tonight it was just concreted even more. The entire race Dusty was right with me and she kept cheering me along. Khrista ran with Nevada – and even carried her – for a little ways. And when I came to the finish line, my parents were there to see me cross. I had already started to tear up as I came near the finish line but seeing them made it complete.
I started this journey with my parents by my side and having them there at the finish line was perfect. Once I started crying enough to tell them I was ok and not hurting, it was a beautiful moment. It was a beautiful moment hugging Khrista who did it with me – not because running a 5K is something every college freshman wants to do on New Year’s Eve but because she loves me and wanted to be there for me. And Dusty and I shared a moment before we came around the final bend, a moment that was 25 years in the making and for both of us assured us that this is going to be a different year for us both.
Tomorrow I will rest. And Saturday, I will head for the gym. Because in 364 more days, I have a race to run. And I mean RUN.