Moving Down the Road

Today I accomplished a lot. And it all happened while sitting on a small, very hard bicycle seat. I rode 47 miles today and just may have found something myself I didn’t know I had.

 

So here is my secret. I am so incredible insecure about my abilities. I talk a big game. I am supportive of everything I know and I am truly supportive of my students, friends and family. I know they can achieve anything they set their minds to. And yet somehow, I seem to lack that same desire myself.

 

Well today, I just may have realized I could do the same thing. I signed up for this race to ride with my friends. I have ridden 20 miles several times and wanted to see if I could actually ride 45 miles. I had no idea if I could. And truly, I was pretty sure that I probably wouldn’t be able to. But I figured it would be a good first try. There would be SAG trucks and if I simply couldn’t go on, I knew they would help me out. And while I talk a huge game, it wasn’t until mile 32 or 34 that I really honestly realized that I was going to ride 45 miles (which was really 47).

 

It’s pretty much a metaphor for most of us. We talk a bit game but do we really believe in ourselves? When we say, we are going to do this or that, what keeps us from really believing it? I think that pride can be good – because sometimes it may be what gets us to the finish line – but I wonder what would happen if we actually believed in what we could achieve to begin with?

 

I know we have all failed before. We all have different battles… mine is with food and fitness. I know that the people in my life have all dealt and continue to deal with different burdens. And all of us, no doubt, have struggled with those. But I want to stop believing that my failures in the past are going to keep me from achieving goals in my future. I don’t want to be the girl that makes promises and plans without really believing in myself that I accomplish those plans from the get-go. I want to know when I set out to ride 47 or 100 miles or run 10 miles or run 26 miles that I will really be able to accomplish it. I want to really believe wholeheartedly that I will get to my goal weight one day and be able to maintain it.

 

Having these experiences and ah-ha moments don’t cure all. But they surely help start me on the right path. So what are you going to believe in today?

Embracing the Role

            As I logged in to blog today, I was shocked it had been over a month since I last blogged. So many challenges have come and gone since I last blogged. I successfully made it through musical week, through Christmas and New Year’s and even through a New Year’s Eve Cruise for five days and still came out on the losing side. It’s pretty empowering to know that I can still live my life like I want to live it – which includes cocktails and an occasional Mexican food dinner and still lose and maintain the weight loss I have accomplished.

            But that being said, it’s not without worry that I have lived this past month. I still had a fear every time I got onto the scale after one of those minor indiscretions. I was fearful after Mexican food and especially fearful after our cruise. But through it all, the scale stayed friendly with me mostly. And while logically I know that I’m not going to gain 115 pounds back with one meal or four days of cruise dining room meals, it still does induce fear. Mainly because I don’t want to ever go back. Secondly, because there is always the fear of losing my way.

            I accomplished a big personal goal yesterday. I ran my first 5K. I had done a 5K several years ago, when I had lost a large amount of weight before, but I hadn’t trained properly and I ran very little of it. But yesterday, I jogged the entire race. I even jogged some extra as I followed some chalk arrows left over from a previous race that added some mileage to my path. (Fitting somehow). I accomplished this goal despite the fact that I had returned the day before from a cruise and despite the fact that it was raining and cold. From the first 200 yards, my feet were wet and my toes were squishing around in my shoes. But none of this stopped me or discouraged me. My best friend, who drove to the Woodlands with me to run the race, kept telling me on the drive (in the rain at 5:45 AM) that he was so impressed with my determination - and this from a man who has known me since I was 15.

            For me, jogging has become therapy. And along the trail of this race I started pacing with two women who were also completing the race. One had lost 40 lbs and was working on the couch to 5K plan that I had done. The other one was on her way back from gaining 40 lbs since her healthy days of years past. She wasn’t much older than me and she confided that she had had a heart attack.

            So as we jogged and shared our stories, I was empowered. I have said all along that I was a very hesitant role model. That I was scared to be an inspiration because I didn’t want to fail. I didn’t want to fail because I felt like I would let everyone down who has supported me and loved me along this path so far. I don’t want to be the girl who for the third time gets off track and gains her weight back again.

            But somewhere during those 3.5 miles in the rain, I realized that I was looking at things backwards. I was planning for my failure. I was reluctant to be an inspiration because I was scared of disappointing people instead of embracing this role and using it to drive me. As the rain dripped off my hat onto my face, I found myself telling my new friends, that I was ready to embrace my role. This is my platform. This was the burden that God gave me and he gave me a voice to help others.

            This being said, I am not planning to quit my job and embark on a new life as a personal trainer. But I am not going to be so hesitant to share my story. Writing on here has been cathartic and yet safe because I pretty much know all of you who read my blog. I know that y’all are my friends and family who love me and support me. But being completely transparent with the world is a little scarier. But I honestly feel like this is my path. I am going to be a bit more open about everything. It’s not about losing weight, its about being healthy. It’s about not relying on fast food and junk food. It’s about enjoying the amazing food that grows naturally. It’s about being good role models to the students I teach and the kids in my life. Basically, I feel so amazing. I want everything to feel this way.

            I will get to test this new idea for me in January at TETA. I ended up on a panel about living a healthy lifestyle while being a theater teacher. As I created my slides for the group presentation today, I listed my starting weight. I could have just included a picture and let that be it. But that’s not transparent. It’s time to come clean. It’s time to be that person that shares the truth – even the ugly and embarrassing parts. Because each time I do, I become a little stronger.

The Traveling Trap

            I have a confession to make. I may play fearless on Facebook but truth be told, each and every time I get on the scale – I am terrified. It doesn’t matter what I have done right that week. It doesn’t matter how much exercise I have done. I am still scared. I am scared that for some reason, it won’t work that time. I know it’s irrational because I understand the science of losing weight. But being logical doesn’t necessarily cure irrationality.

            So this morning, when I got on the scale, I was really terrified. I hadn’t weighed since Wednesday and I was scared. I didn’t completely blow off everything this weekend but I did enjoy my trip. I did drink a few (read: many) glasses of wine. I did eat queso. I did eat wedding cake (although I shared it with D). I was scared because although I did mostly eat well and I still managed to jog twice while I was gone, I just didn’t know how my body would respond to it all.

            Well, I got up this morning, jogged and weighed. And I had lost another 3 pounds since I weighed last Wednesday. So even though I enjoyed my trip, I still lost. So being me, I’m going to share some things I’ve learned. As always, I write my blog to process my thoughts. What works for me, won’t necessarily work for everyone. I’ve had several people ask me lately for advice on how to lose weight. And all I can do is share what has worked for me. But nothing is the same for everyone. So if you are on your own journey, please know that you have to go through a lot of trial and error. You have to experiment. You have to enjoy the ups and get through the downs.

            So on to my tips to avoid the Traveling Trap.

1)      Prepare and plan as much as you can! My first real trip happened about four weeks into the injection part of this diet. I put immense planning and preparation into that trip. I looked up grocery stores. I made plans for group meals with my professor. But the first tip I learned was kind of accidental. I had my water bottle that I took everywhere. And the morning we were to fly out to Chicago, I had brought it along when I left the house that morning. I carried it into the airport and it wasn’t until I was in the security line that I realized I still had water in it. So I downed it and carried the empty bottle through security. Once I got to the other side, I went to a coffee place and ordered an ice tea. The woman at the counter saw my water bottle and offered to fill it up for me. Having my water bottle with me keeps me from cheating at the airport. It keeps me from picking up a bag of skittles like I used to do. It’s comfortable and my norm and so even sitting in an airport for a few hours still has the feel of normal. Not all places offer to fill up your water bottle but they have all given me ice when I ordered a drink from them. It doesn’t hurt to ask. Especially if it helps you.

2)      Bring or buy something that will help you. In Chicago, I went to the grocery store and ate breakfast and lunch in my room each day. This weekend I went to Wal-mart and bought fruit and snacks to carry with me. I have requested refrigerators in hotel rooms and I have taken everything out of mini-fridges before. I have found that if you tell people that you have dietary concerns in the travel industry – they will work with you. It’s ok to ask for help.

3)      KEEP moving. If you have time, jog or go to the hotel gym. If not, just walk more. Walk the airport. Take the stairs at the hotel instead of the elevator. Take the stairs instead of the escalator at the airport. Just keep moving. I’ve found that just because I’m on vacation, doesn’t mean that I don’t still want to exercise. When I got to Arkansas this past weekend, my friend told me where a great jogging trail was. I couldn’t find it but passed a large, old university and found a parking lot and jogged it. I found that I really enjoyed the jog because the scenery was completely different. When I jog at home, I often just jog the same trail. So seeing something different broke up any monotony. And because I kept moving and still got exercise in, I could have my glasses of wine and still be successful.

4)      Relax. I think this is the hardest part of traveling. When I stress, I eat. So I had to learn to just relax this time. Yes, I knew that I couldn’t be in complete control of each and every meal. But for the first time this trip, I just realized that it was ok. I would do the best I could. I would pick smart at restaurants, while still enjoying my trip. And in the end, it turned out alright.

 

I know these all sound really simple and maybe they are. But they are lessons that I’ve had to learn and that I have learned. I’d love to hear what works for everyone else too! For my friends that travel a lot for work, what do you do to stay in control while traveling?

 

 

A Plateau, a new lifestyle (and addiction), a reluctant expert, and a few more recipes

A Plateau

So I'm stuck. I haven't lost a pound in a week. I've been here before. In fact, the other two times that I lost this much weight, I plateaued here and I got frustrated and I stopped. So I somewhat expected it. But it still makes me mad.

The difference is that I put my mind to getting past it this time. I went to the Internet and started reading about how to break plateaus.

I've learned a lot. I don't weigh until Thursday but I think I'm going to bust right through this. I've added some fiber into my diet. One of the things I read was how important fiber is and eating so low carb I realized that I am getting very very little fiber daily. So Fiber One to the rescue and we will see if we can get things moving.

I'm also working on zig-zagging my calories. I'm still eating the same amount of calories weekly but when I went back and looked at the past two weeks, I've eaten within 20 calories of the same amount each day. My body is used to it. So it's time to shake things up.

I have told people in conversations lately that when you hit plateaus, you just have to push through. And then I hit my first major one. So I will take my own advice and push through. I can't let this small freeze take away from the amazing success I have had the past four months. Instead I am going to have a different reaction this time and I am going to let it motivate me.

A New Lifestyle (and addiction)

I was talking to my sister the other day and commented that I don't feel like I am on a diet. This is different. I have always felt deprived while dieting. I have always resenting my situation. But this time, I don't. I just feel like I am living a healthy lifestyle.

I love my veggie co-op. I love cooking each night and I take great joy in preping my meals each night for the next day. I like that I shop the outsides of a grocery store and that when I open a cookbook, I can cook about anything in it from what I have in the house. I don't miss the days of coming home and not having anything to eat in the house and ordering out. I don't miss fast food. I (mostly) don't miss Dr. Pepper. And I don't resent that I have changed my ways. I love fresh veggies. And most importantly, I love how I feel.

And I love that I have started jogging. I love the rush I get when I've jogged a full mile or 20 minutes at a time. I love that I can go out for 30 or 45 minutes, jog and come home and feel like I've had a 2 hour workout. I like that my body feels better and I love the feeling when my abs tell me that I've done something right. I love everything about it. I'm training for a 5K in January. I plan to jog the entire thing. I can jog 20 minutes and over a mile in one stretch now. I'm making progress each night. I feel my stress melt away when I am jogging the neighborhood. I love that I don't have to go anywhere to get the workout except out my front door. Everything about it is thrilling and wonderful to me. I love that my knees and body doesn't hurt with every step when I'm out jogging. I love sweating and getting icky. I love everything about it. I've always said that I want to run a marathon one day. Now, with every mile that I jog, I can honestly feel that that is a goal that I can achieve some day. I like having hope.

A reluctant expert

Let me tell you a secret. I feel incredible inadequate to give people advice on how to lose weight. I don't feel worthy. I don't feel like I deserve the attention and praise. And its a bit scary.

I don't want to be the person who had great advice and then gained her weight back. I want to be the person that won't. I want to be the person that shows her before pictures ten years from now and has kept the weight off. I feel inadequate to post my success. I do it because my friends and family give me more drive that I could ever muster from within myself. Yet, I don't want to be the obnoxious girl that is always giving advice. I feel like its a really dangerous line that I walk.

And I say all this to say that I thank everyone who supports me. I'm not doing this alone. My sister and Charleston help me and cheer for me and try my food and ask me and push me. They do amazing things like hide cookies in the house so I won't be tempted by one of my favorite foods. They love me and they know what to do to to help me navigate these new waters.

My family and friends are also amazing. They notice things and take me in consideration when we are deciding what to eat. They know this is important. They are willing to take chances with me. They are cheerleaders.

And my school family - including my students - are so incredibly important. My debaters watch me at tournaments-- which is times when I am tired and stressed and need to be monitored - to make sure that I am eating right. They give me ideas at school. They compliment me. They can't wait to celebrate with me when I hit 100 pounds. They look up low-carb peanut butter cookie recipes on my birthday so that I can have my favorite cookie for my birthday - and not cheat.

And every friend on Facebook that has ever cheered for me is appreciated. I hope that I give back to the relationship. I hope that you try my recipes (which I no doubt stole from somewhere) and that I can answer questions if I know the answer. I appreciate you supporting me and letting me live my life outloud and transparently. And I love that I know its a safe place to do so.

I list all these people because I am not doing this alone. Yes, I look up recipes and I jog the pavement at night alone but I am not alone at all. I have an amazing support group and loves me and lifts me up and supports me. I may have advice for what has worked for me - but it's just advice. I don't feel worthy of helping anyone. Maybe someday. Maybe its my hangups. Maybe its just fear. But regardless, I do what I can. I lift people up. I share recipes. And I just hope I am right.

And a few more recipes --

Low-carb/low fat Spinich Artichoke Dip

2 cups non-fat parmesan cheese
16 ounches fress spinach, chopped
1/2 teaspoon sage
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1 (14 ounce) jar artichoke hearts, drained
2/3 cup fat free sour cream
1 cup fat free cream cheese
1/3 cup fat-free mayo
2 garlic cloves, crushed and minced

1. Mix parmeasean cheese, spinach, artichoke hearts and spices.
2. Combine remaining ingredients and mix spinach mixture.
3. Put in baking dish and bake for 20-30 minutes at 375 degrees.

(I ate mine with celery!)

Baked Kale Chips

fresh kale (torn from thick stems)
evoo or olive oil cooking spray
salt

1. Tear all the kale leaves from the really thick stems.
2. Place the kale all over a cookie sheet. Spray it well with olive oil. Salt it.
3. Bake at 290 for about 20 minutes or until it starts to get crunchy. When you take it out, it will get crunchier.
4. Enjoy! It doesn't keep well overnight (doesn't keep its crunch) so eat it that day!

Roasted Beet and Feta Salad

This is a huge favorite in my house and one of my students made it and its a huge favorite in her house now too. I'm slowly making beet fans.

bunch of fresh beets
fat free feta cheese
green onions

1. Peel and cut the beets. Cut them in small cubes.
2. Toss the beets in a small amount of evoo and salt and spread them out on a cookie sheet.
3. Bake for about 40 minutes at 350 degrees until they are a bit crunch on the outside and soft on the inside. (I can eat them just like this out of the oven....and in fact we do for dinner occasionally).
4. Chop a green onion.
5. Mixed baked beets, green onions and about 3/4th of cup of fat free feta cheese.
6. Put about two-three tablespoons of lemon juice on the mixture.
7. Refridgerate!

Carrot and Beet Chips

Carrots
Beets
Parsnips
EVOO

1. Peel each veggie.
2. Slice the veggies rather thin.
3. Toss in a little EVOO and salt.
4. Place in a single layer on a cookie sheet. (I cover the cookie sheet with foil for easier cleanup).
5. Bake at 350 for about 25-30 minutes. Watch the veggies for when the edges start to curl up.
6. Take out and let them sit for a few minutes. They will get crunchier.

Enjoy!

LETTUCE WRAPS

This is another favorite. I've added Chinese Five Spice to mine and it adds a sweetness to it. If you double the recipe, it makes a LOT of food. It also keeps really well to take for lunches over a week or so!

1 pound ground chicken
1 can water chestnuts, drained
1 cup sliced mushrooms
5 scallions
5 tablespoons soy sauce
2 tablespoons Splenda
1/2 teaspoon of blackstrap molasses
1 1/2 teaspoon of minced garlic
1 1/2 teaspoons rice vinegar
3 tablespoon of oil

1. Place water chestnuts, mushrooms and scallions in a food processor. Pulse enough to chop everything to a medium consistency.
2. Combine soy sauce, Splenda, molasses, garlic and rice vinegar. Set aside.
3. Heat the oil in a wok or skillet over highest heat. Add the chicken and stir-fry, breaking it up as it cooks.
4. Once the chicken is mostly cooked, add the chopped veggies and stir-fry everyting together for a few more minutes. When chicken is cooked, add soy sauce mixture and let everything cook together for a few more minutes.
5. Wrap the mixture up in large pieces of lettuce and enjoy.

A few of my new food tricks

** I put pork rines in the food processor to make bread crumbs. Pork Rines have no carbs and are low-fat. They make a great breading to pan-fry or bake!

** I stir fry mushrooms and fresh spinich all the time in a little olive oil or soy sauce. I put it on top of chicken, in a low-carb tortilla, etc.

** I LOVE LOVE LOVE Chinese Five Spice. I find myself putting it on everything.

A few of my favorite recipes....

So as you all know, I'm addicted to cooking. Completely, ridiculously, addicting to cooking. I spend the spare minutes at school thinking about what I am cooking for dinner that night. I find myself in the grocery store more than ever before. I LIVE for the every other Wednesday when I get my veggie co-op (oh, yes... Bok Choy is in the next order!). And as such, I posted pictures of my food online quite a bit. So here are a few of my favorite recipes. I've stolen from lots of places. I've changed some to make them mine.

So make them your own.

Enjoy!

Our Debate Evening appetizers included-- (and yes, I created my own goofy names)

"All-American" Asparagus

bundle of asparagus
bacon

I took three stalks of asparagus and wrapped them tightly with two slices of bacon. I then grilled them on the George Foreman for about 12 minutes, spraying the foreman with spray olive oil!

Stars and Stripes Stuffed Mushrooms

1 lb of whole mushrooms
1/2 cup chopped onions
4 cloves crushed garlic
spinich (I used 4 cups of fresh baby spinich, cut into strips -- recipe calls for frozen)
4 ounces cream cheese (I used fat free)
salt and pepper
1 1/2 worcestershire sauce
parmesan cheese

1. Clean the mushrooms and pull the stalks out of the mushrooms.
2. chop the stalks and onions and saute them with spray olive oil (or butter as the recipe calls for) in a frying pan.
3. When they get soft, add garlic and then spinich.
4. Saute it all together until the mixture is well-mixed and cooked.
5. Add the cream cheese and mix as it melts.
6. Add salt and pepper and worchesthire sauce.
7. Stuff the mixture into the clean mushrooms. Top with grated parmesan cheese.
8. Bake for about 30 minutes at 350 degrees.

Cranky Old Men Crabby Bites

1 can of crab, drained
1 scallion, finely minced
1/2 pound bacon

1. Flake the crab. Mix the scallion with the crab.
2. Cut the bacon strips into two shorter strips.
3. Spoon a spoonful of the crab mixure to the end of each bacon strip and wrap the bacon around the crab.
4. Secure the wraps with a toothpick.
5. Broil for 10 minutes turning them over 1-2 times.

Note: I added a tablespoon of feta cheese to have of the mixture. They were really good as well.

Dipping "Duck Sauce"

1 bag of frozen peaches (1 pound)
1/2 cup water
2 tablespoons cider vinegar
2 tablespoons of Splenda
salt
1 teaspoon soy sauce
1 clove garlic

Mix all in a sauce pan. Bring to a boil and them simmer for 30 minutes until fruit is soft. Then transfer to a blender and mix the sauce until smoother.

Now to a few of my favorites....

Baked Parsnips

parsnips
salt
pepper

1. peel parsnips and cut french fry style.
2. Put in oven baking dish and spray with spray olive oil. Bake for 45 minutes to an hour until soft.
3. Once soft, take out and sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste.
4. Eat warm-- heavenly!!

Stuffed Peppers

4 colored bell peppers
1 pound of lean turkey or ground beef
1 packet of taco seasoning
1/2 cup of low-fat or fat free ricotta cheese
3-4 tablespoons of tomato sauce

1. Cut off the top of the bell peppers and clean out the seeds.
2. Brown the meat. Once cooked, add the taco seasoning and tomato sauce until the meat is covered.
3. Once the seasoning is mixed throughout, add the ricotta and mix into the mixture.
4. Once the mixture is warm and ricotta is melted, fill each pepper.
5. Top with a bit of grated parmeasan cheese.
6. Bake for 30-40 minutes.

Spinich Mushroom Tortilla Cups

low-fat, low-fat wheat tortillas
sliced mushrooms
cut onion
fresh baby spinich
mozerella cheese

1. Prepare a muffin tin. Spray tins that will be used with cooking spray. Then place a tortilla in each muffin spot.
2. Saute the mushrooms and onions with a bit of olive oil.
3. Once the mushrooms and onions are soft, add to a bowl of fresh baby spinich. Mix.
4. Add about 1/2 of mozerella. (I used low-fat). Mix.
5. Spoon the mixture into each tortilla.
6. Put a bit of cheese on the top of each tortilla cup.
7. Bake until tortillas are warm and cheese is melted.

Cauliflower Pizza Crust

one head of caulflower
1 egg
1 cup of cheese of your choice
pizza seasoning
oregano

1. Grate caulflower to grind in a food processor.
2. Put in a microwavable dish and microwave for 8 minutes.
3. After you microwave it, add one egg and mix throughly.
4. Add cheese and mix throughly.
5. Add spices to your liking.
6. Spread out on a baking sheet which has been sprayed with cooking spray.
7. Bake 12-15 minutes until firm and browning.
8. Take out and cover with your favorite toppings.
9. Put back in the over to melt cheese, etc.

I hope yall enjoy! Some of these aren't real exact because that's kind of how I cook! Just experiement and see what you can do!

What I've learned....

So here I am. I've lost nearly 75 pounds, which is about a third of the way I need to go to get to my goal weight. And this time feels different. Of course, the previous times I've lost weight, I've felt good. I enjoyed the exercise benefits and the smaller clothes sizes. But those changes were temporary that time. I look back and I don't know if I really learned the lessons I needed to learn to finish the goal - and sustain it once I got there. I want to think this time is different. So here are a few things that I've learned.

1) Exercise is important - but its not an all or nothing equation.
         In the past, I worked out 5-7 times a week. I would take it very hard if something got into the way of my daily workouts. In my warped sense, if I missed any workouts - at the gym - I simply failed my goals that day. But lets face it - that is unrealistic and NOT something we can live as a lifestyle change. There are going to be booster club meetings and debate tournaments. There are goign to be family social gatherings and birhtday parties. And those things are part of living my life. So yes, exercise is important and I love the benefits, but I'm not a failure if I don't go 5 times a week. Everytime I exercise is a success and is helping me towards my goal. I still play about 4 workouts a week. And when the stars align and my kids get picked up on time, etc, I go to the gym and do Zumba or aqua aerobics or the treadmill or Bodypump or whatever is happening that day. But sometimes, that doesn't happen. And when it doesn't, I come home and walk in my neighborhood for 30 minutes with the dogs. It still burns calories. I don't have to drive to do it. And my dogs are happy. And it clears my head. And its still a success. Exercise isn't an all or nothing thing. One time is better than nothing. A thirty minute walk around the neighborhood is a success. It's not about marking the boxes off my calendar that garners the success. It's about moving my body and seeing the results.

2) Food is my friend - not my enemy.
           As my Facebook feed shows, I'm a little obessed with cooking right now. My sister told me the other day that "this time my food doesn't suck." At first, I was a little offended but she has a point. I don't cook "diet" food this time. I just cook good food that happens to fit into a healthier eating lifestyle. I have found spices. And I love them. And I've gotten into the habit of cooking. I went grocery shopping last weekend and while putting up groceries when I got home, I realized how much my habits have changed. I had very few things to put into the pantry. Most of what I bought - my weekend groceries - went into the fridge and freezer. It was eye-opening. I wasn't putting processed foods into my pantry. And while in the grocery store, I dind't even notice it. I'm so in a good routine now in the grocery store. I spend a lot of time in the deli and in the produce section. I do shop the outer aisles of the store. I have a new personal game I play where I try to buy one fruit or veggie each week that the cashier will have to ask me what it is. The weeks I can stump them with two are great weeks! I've also enjoyed diving into the world of low-carb cooking and figuring out ways to use my favorite ingredients in a new way. It's an adventure. And its an adventure that I am enjoying the heck out of. I mean really - who would have ever imagined I would be making pizza crust from cauliflower!

3) Planning really is the key.
         I know I've known this a long time. But planning takes time. But with my lifestyle - and probably all of your lifestyles - I am never going to be successful with weight loss without heavy duty planning. Baggies are my friend. I cook a lot ahead and I pre-package in baggies that go into my top drawer in the fridge. I plan meals and I try to take stuff out of the freezer before I leave. I joined a veggie co-op which delivers veggies every other week. I take my lunch each day. On Friday's and Saturday's, I pack my big lunch kit. I pack lunch and dinner. I pack snacks. I pack tea bags and sweet-n-low. I prepare for the long tournament weekend. And I eat out of my lunch kit. If the tournament has veggies in the hosptaility room, I'll eat veggies. But other than that, I eat from my lunch kit. It's working. And I'm not going to lie, there is a certain sense of accomplishment when I actually stay away from the sweets. My life is crazy busy. But I want my life to be long. And so while its busy now, I have to keep planning so that it can be busy for years to come.

These are incredibly simple life lessons. But they are making the huge difference for me right now.

Learning to Listen

                There are so many things that go into weight loss. So many lessons to learn and so much growing and changing during the process. I’ve been fighting through it. I’m not going to lie and say its been easy. I’ve had my moments of anger, I’ve had my moments of pure frustration, I’ve had my breakdowns and I’ve had my moments of being completely proud. It’s all part of the process – part of the growing and part of the change.

                One of the most important lessons I’m learning is how to listen to my body. This is hard for me. I’ve never been really good at listening to my body. I push it physically, emotionally, mentally and I’ve treated it like crap. I’ve fed it crap for all these years. I’ve pushed myself again and again when I should have rested. I’ve eaten too much, drank too much or not eaten enough. My biggest sin is that I simply haven’t been good at listening to it.

                I realized today that this is changing. There are a lot of lessons that I’ve learned during this phase of the HCG diet. Maybe its because of the drastic measures of it that I’m finally looking and listening to what is going on. I’ve gotten in touch with what my body is telling me. The medicine that I take each morning helps me feel fuller much quicker. So in response, I’m eating a lot less. It’s weird to eat so much less than I was used to but to feel satisified and full.

                Example, I was walking through a Chicago mall today and saw a place with a great salad bar. It was lunch time so I went in and got a salad with all allowed veggies and grilled turkey. I didn’t get a big salad, just a normal sized – or so I thought. Well, halfway through the salad, I realized I was full. So I walked away from it. It was liberating. It was exciting. It was a great feeling to walk away feeling like I have accomplished something by simply listening to my body.

                In addition, after walking around and walking the mile or so back to the hotel, I came up to my room. I wanted to go to a museum. I wanted to go to Navy Pier. I wanted to do something. But my body disagreed. My body needed rest. And maybe my mind did too. So I laid down and napped. I slept harder than I have in a long long time. I listened to my body. I don’t ever do this during the school year. I push and push and push. It’s time that I stop pushing so hard. It’s time that I give in and let it be.

                I’ve learned one more lesson this week that my friend David shared with me. The first night we were here, my class went to eat deep dish Chicago-style pizza after our show. I knew that I couldn’t make that trip. I’ve gotten pretty good at eating healthy with the group and being fine with it but as pizza is my favorite food, I knew that I couldn’t do that. So I came up to my room. And I was upset. I wanted to be with my classmates. I had a little (or an ugly) pity party and went to bed.

                So the next morning I was talking to David and told him about my breakdown. He told me his story about changing his mindset and it struck me. He told me about changing his mindset about going out with friends being about the food to simply just being about spending time with your friends. There is something telling about that. I’m going to work on it. It will make it easier.

                I still have a whole lot of learning to do in this process. I have about ten days left of this stage of the diet. I’m still learning and growing each day.  And I’m feeling stronger and stronger each day.  And I am finally – at 33 years old – learning to listen.

Just mad.

            So tonight I am going to be a bit dramatic. Tonight I am mad.

            I am mad at my body. I am mad that I let myself gain the weight back I lost two years ago. I am mad that I don’t have a metabolism that allows me to eat whatever I want. I am mad that my body is sore from carrying around my body weight. I’m mad that I can’t eat chips and have a Dr. Pepper. I’m just mad.

            There is nothing that in particular that has set me off tonight. I had a great dinner (added some hot salsa on top of some chicken as it went with my general mood) and I haven’t gotten off track but that doesn’t mean I am not frustrated. I have a great supportive family (especially my sister who is dealing with this on the front lines) and I have incredibly supportive friends who are cheering me along. I don't begrudge any of of those blessings.

            But I am grieving that I have to make changes. It’s so much easier to just be free. It’s easier to pick up dinner on the way home. I really want a glass of wine.

            But I know rationally that that “easier” got me where I am today. And I know that I don’t want to go back there. I want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to fit in the seats of Broadway theaters comfortably. I don’t want to ever worry on an airplane again that someone will refuse to sit next to me. I want to be healthy. I have a horrible family history and I don’t want to make it any easier for diabetes or high blood pressure to take hold. I guess I’m mad that I have to make these hard decisions period.

            I think that it’s ok for me to be mad. I’ll go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow and I won’t be mad anymore. It's not in my nature to be mad. I do not begrudge the blessings in my life and I'll remember them very clearly in the morning.

But that is tomorrow.

And for now, I'll just be mad.

Finally Finding My Breaking Point

            I have always struggled with my weight. I have tried a lot of diets over the years and have had some success on different levels with different programs. Yet, I have never believed that my weight has kept me from living life.

            I have never let my weight keep me from anything. I really do feel like I have lived my life fully. I have worked to build a career that I am proud of. I have loved and had my heart broken. I have traveled and seen so much of the world. (But not nearly enough). I have never stayed home because I am overweight.

            And I guess at a certain level, I have always known that I would reach my limits. I have always known that eventually my size would get in the way of something I wanted to achieve.

            This has happened recently in an avalanche of moments. The first moment came when a man refused to sit next to me on an airplane on the way to New York City. And the rest of that trip continued to show me that it was time. I love New York theater and yet most of the seats that I sat in during that trip were really tight. I had a hard time keeping up in some of the walking tours. I realized that it was time – this time for real. I had let myself go and regained a lot of the weight that I lost three years ago but its time.

            Which is were the HCG and daily injections came in. Back in March, I visited my doctor for my yearly exam. There was a sign in his lobby about the HCG diet. So I went home and studied it. I then came up with a long list of questions and scheduled an appointment to ask him all my questions.

            And at that appointment, I decided I would take the leap. But yet, I still didn’t. I kept telling myself I would wait for the right now. Then school travel got in the way, then my debate schedule got in the way, then everything snowballed.

            Until New York City happened. And while I may be a hard-headed gal, I can take a sign. And I listened.

            So on Saturday morning, I started this new journey. I will inject myself with the HCG hormone each morning for forty days. And starting tomorrow – which is also the first morning of my last summer of grad school – I will eat a strict 500 calorie diet.

            I just spent the past hour measuring out and weighing out food for the week. I have about 40 something baggies that I can pick and choose from when packing my lunch in the morning. I will start going to the gym before class each morning to walk on the treadmill before class – the only exercise I can do for the next 40 days.

            While the HCG diet promises huge results, I am realistic. It’s not a cure-all. It’s a plan. It’s a start of a journey that my doctor says will take two years to get me to goal weight.

            But its worth it. I have been saying I have to find the balance for awhile and its time. I love my job and love what I do, but I really do have to reclaim a little time for me. I never want to not be able to sit into a chair in a theater. I never want to be uncomfortable why flying. My weight is effecting my life now and its time for me to change that.

            So here goes nothing.

Lost and Found?

I have a confession. Well, I have lots of confessions but I have a huge one. It’s been months and months since I have written. Mainly because of my big confession.

I have not been paying attention to my weight-loss efforts at all for months. I’d like to lie and say that I have been trying and focusing on things but the truth is – I haven’t been. I have let my own personal health be the least of the things I focus on for months and months now.

I am lost. I go to work each day. I work my butt off – each day and usually each weekend. I made a promise to myself at the beginning of the year that I was going to focus on me again. But yet, its been so much easier to not do so.

So here is the truth – I am miserable. I have gained a lot of my weight back. Not quite all of it – but most of it. And that is incredible embarrassing. It’s saddening. And more importantly – because its an emotion I can feed off of – it really makes me mad.

How did I get here? How did I throw away all of that success and hard work? How did I forget how hard I worked to get there? I’m so lost as to how it all happened.

But I’m smart enough to know that something has to give. I live too active of a life to live this way. I don’t want to dread going upstairs because I will be out of breathe. I hate putting on clothes and cringing because they are just too tight now. I worked too damn hard to get the weight off. And I forgot about that.

More importantly, I have forgotten how great I feel when I am working out. I think I was a much happier person. I know that I loved the way my body felt in a much smaller size. I want that back. I want the feeling I get after a killer workout.

I’ve been feeling this for weeks. Yet, I have been avoiding going back to the gym. Yes, I have a ton of excuses as to why I haven’t gone back but the simple truth is that I am scared to go back. I know that I have to start over. I know that my success is gone. I know that the first spin class I attempt is going to kick my ass. And its scary.

But I have also reached my breaking point. I have to change something. This body is not the body I am supposed to have. I can have all the excuses that I want to have but the truth is that none of them matter. I can lose weight and keep weight off AND still go to tournaments each weekend. I’ve seen friends do it.

I just have to want it. I have to get myself unlost. I have to find the drive that I had two years ago. Yes, it was easy two years ago when I was in a job that allowed me to spend hours each day working out. Yes, it was easy when I lived at home and was going through it with my mom and Dad. But I have to find my own ease now. If I really don’t want to live my life like this, I have to find the answer to find the ease in this lifestyle.

I don’t want to go back to a job I don’t care about. I love this life. But I love MY life more. And the path I am is going to shorten that life.

So its time to really make a change – again. I’m going back to the gym. Yes, I’m exhausted when I leave work each day but I have to make it happen. It’s time to get back on my bike again. It’s time to give up my Dr. Pepper again. It’s time to watch my diet again. It’s time to take control of my life again.

And so I am going to share my journey again. And I’m going to ask for your help. I’m going to ask for your strength until I can find my again. I’m going to ask for your push when I ask for it. I need a support system because this is a tough journey. But I’ve had success on this journey before. And I really do want to FIND myself again.

Hello, This is your wake-up call...

I know I haven't written in awhile and there are a lot of reasons for that. I could tell you its been so busy at work. I could tell you that its because I haven't had anything to say. I could tell you a lot of things. But the truth is - I haven't been real on track. Since I started this job last August, I have somewhat lost my way with my weight loss. Now, I haven't jumped off the wagon and gained all my weight back. In fact, I have kept most everything off. In the cast of full disclosure, I have put about ten back on. But I just lost my motivation. I got caught up in my busy schedule and my busy life. I got caught up in debate tournaments each weekend and musical rehearsals each afternoon. I got caught up in dating and life. I struggled. I couldn't find my motivation. I was wired and caught up in a new life at a new school that I loved. I love my life completely but I lost me a bit. And then the call call - the metaphorical call that is. I broke my foot. I know this sounds strange as how in the world could an injury possibly be the plateau buster that I was looking for - but it has been. I went from being completely independent and being able to do Zuma and cycle whenever I wanted to someone who could barely walk (with a walker) and who had to crawl up the stairs each night to go to bed. Not to mention - had to come down the stairs each morning on my butt. Showers became a challenge because standing on one leg gets tiring really fast. Doing anything at home meant using my walker to hop along. Even getting to the car to go to school each morning would elicit a sweat. And somewhere early on - I decided this is NOT what I wanted to be like. Yes, I am having a hard time getting around because I gracefully broke a metatarsal on my right foot - but I'm really having a hard time getting around because I am still carrying a lot of extra weight on my body. Yes, I have come a long way. But the simple truth is that I am still carrying around an extra 100 pounds. And that makes hoping with all my weight on my arms tough. I have also had another revelation. As much as a I moan and whine about working out from time to time --- or a lot -- this fall, I do love it. I love that it's an easy way to relieve stress. I love that it gives me an outlet. And I've realized that I desperately miss it. I miss being able to get my bike, strap on my helmet and just go. I miss the feeling of my legs pumping as I leave miles behind me on country roads. I'm counting down the days until I can be back on my Greta (my bike). I can't wait to until I can go back to Zumba. I signed up for a 27-mile bike ride for diabetes which is on my birthday in September. It gives me something to look forward to. I had to let go of my triathlon as it falls only two weeks after I should get completely released from my ortho. So I needed another goal - another something to look forward to. I've also been checking out aerobics schedules for the new gym opening really close to my house Saturday. I can't wait to get back in there and start earning my sweat again. Before this happened, I was completely lost. I had gotten off track and had gotten comfortable. I had forgotten why I started the entire journey in the first place. Well, sometimes God has to pull out the big signs to get us back on track. And this time - I read the billboard.

The Balence Beam

Two weeks ago I was having a conversation with a couple of my friends that have been speech coaches for years and I made the comment that I am trying to find the magic pill that will make everything in my life balanced. They both died laughing and told me if I find that magic balance - to please share with them my secret.

So that is where I am at. I'm still struggling with finding balance. My life is so full. I have work - with includes teaching a new subject (which I'm really enjoying), running a speech program that involves traveling to debate tournaments most weekends and helping with the fall musical, taking on a great deal of the business details. Then I have a great man in my life. He is patient and kind and thankfully is fine with the fact that I just don't have a lot of extra time. Then there is my home life - trying to help my parents around the house (which I fail at miserably) and spending time with my family (which again, I often fail miserably at). And at the end of all of that, I still need to work out, eat, shop and do laundry.

I often feel like I am chasing my tail. Like I don't know which way is up and which way I should be heading. I love this life - I love all the components and I feel guilty even writing this blog because I have it good - and I mean that. But even though all the components are good, I still have to find the balance. I'm not balanced right now. I'm letting certain categories monopolize my time and at the end of the day, I'm not putting myself high enough on the food chain. And putting myself higher on that food chain means that I will make my workouts a priority and take care of myself.

My workouts are for me. They make me feel good. They help me sleep better. They release stress that I build up at work, etc. And I have to stop letting them be the thing that I don't give enough attention. I have to just deal with the fact that the gym isn't "on my way home" anymore and drive to the gym each night happily. I know that with my new schedule that I'm not going to be able to give my two hours each night that I was used to giving last year. But just because its got to be different, doesn't mean its bad.

I've come so far in this journey but its not over. And I have to remember that and keep working towards my goal. I've come to far to to stop and go backwards. And to continue to go forwards, I have to just bite the bullet and find balance that includes taking care of me.

It's not going to be easy and there is definitely going to be some trial and error involved but I will figure it out. I have figured it out up to this point. This is just another little trial.

When you want to believe in something, you also have to believe in everything that is necessary for believing in it. - Ugo Betti

If there is no struggle, there is no progress. - Frederick Douglass

Tonight as I started to prepare to write this blog, I went to my favorite quote site and put struggle into the search engine. A lot of quotes came up - about not giving up, about respecting the struggle, etc. But two quotes of the many stuck out to me. They are above.

So first, let's talk about the Douglass quote. How amazingly true this is. Nothing comes easy - or fast for that matter. I often get frustrated as I want things to happen quickly. I want to wake up tomorrow and be thin and at goal weight. But the truth of the matter is that I didn't get here overnight. I didn't gain this weight quickly and I am not going to lose it quickly.

And more importantly, if I did lose it quickly, would I appreciate the journey? If weight loss, like anything else, was easy - would we work to keep the weight off? I know personally, the journey, the struggles, are what make me appreciate where I have been and how far I have come. If this was easy, it would be easy to forget about all of the progress and go back to my own ways.

But those struggles, those hard times, are what brings us to appreciate the progress. I have gotten knocked down so many times during this progress. I have fallen - and even jumped off - the wagon. I have gotten lazy in my workouts and maybe eaten more chocolate that I should have. But regardless, I continue to come back to the straight and narrow - or at least the more straight and more narrow. I can look at pictures and look in the mirror and see the progress. And when I do that, I am thankful for the struggles as I know I am doing something right. And because I have made it through those struggles - because I have fought the good fight - I have more pride in what I am doing. And because of those struggles, I know in my heart that I can get back on track despite anything that gets thrown in my way.

And then the Betti quote - wow. This one simply struck me. It made me question myself. First, do I believe that I can achieve my goal. Do I believe that I can get down to 160 pounds and be happy and content in my new skin? And if I answer that question yes, do I believe in everything it is going to take me to get there?

I think the most important thing I need to get there and probably the most important question - is do I truly believe in myself? Most days, I would say yes. And then there are those few days where I simply don't know. And on those days, I have to get better at asking those around me to lift me up and help me to find that inner strength. I have gotten this far - and yet, I still struggle.

The last time I blogged, I was at my lowest point in this journey. I have been working hard to come back from that lost place. I've made some progress. But I am not there. But this weekend, I made some decisions.

The most important decision is about my workouts. The past two weeks I've worked to get my eating back under control but I didn't make it to the gym. I've found it so hard to make myself go to the gym after leaving work on late nights. So my workouts are moving. I'm moving them to the mornings.

This is not the most convenient option for me but its going to be what I have to do. Starting tomorrow, I am going to leave my house at 5 a.m. to make it to spin. I will do this three mornings a week. Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I will walk in the neighborhood. I'm not thrilled about crazy early mornings but I have to do something. And this is an option. And if for some reason I don't get up and workout in the morning, I will have to MAKE myself go in the evenings. It's just simply what I have to do. So here goes nothing.

It's been a few days past a year since I started this journey - and I've lost 90 pounds in the year. I've made great strides but I am not there yet. And I want to get there. I want to believe in myself as a thin woman at goal weight. So believing in what it takes to get there, starts now.

Confession Time

I've needed to write this post for about a week and I've started it so many times. But I couldn't finish it. I simply couldn't make myself admit - publiclly and to all of you - that I am struggling. But I have been - and I am.

So since I got back from Europe, I have been struggling with motivation. I simply have lost it. I don't much want to go to the gym. I haven't been as careful with food and watching what I eat. I just have lost some of that drive, some of that umpf that was pushing me. I have no idea where it has gone but I desperately need it back.

Last week was the pinnacle of my deception - mainly to myself. I ate a lot of fast food last week. And while I made OK choices when I went through the drive through, I felt ashamed. I didn't want anyone to see me in the drive through. It was a dirty little secret. I hated that I felt that shame. I'm an almost 32-year-old woman who was hiding her fast food bags so that anyone who got into my car could see it. I started this process so I wouldn't hide from the things I was doing anymore. And yet, last week, there I was. I was hiding from the truth- yet again.

It all came to a head on Sunday morning after spin class. I made it to spin after not setting my alarm and still being up in plenty of time. It was a great great class and I desperately needed it to feel strong and to really enjoy a workout. I walked out with my friend Kelli and while looking at her new car started talking. And before I knew it, I was crying. I told her my dirty little secret.

I told her that I felt like I was letting people down. By sharing my story and my struggles, I have gotten such an amazing outpouring of love and support. And I don't want to do anything to disappoint anyone.

But what Kelli pointed out was that if I was honest, I would just be showing everyone how human I am. So here it is - I am human. I have messed up. I fell off the wagon - hell, I jumped head first off the wagon.

But the truth is - I didn't like it down there. I started this process for a reason. I love the way I feel. I love the way I look in my size 20 jeans. I love that I stop and look in the mirror and have to double take sometimes because I simply don't believe it's really me. I love that I climbed castles all over Scotland and could breathe when I got to the top of the towers.

So I start over. I'm not going to be Pollyanna here and say I know how. Just wanting to NOT be in a funk doesn't magically make me not in a funk. I'm still struggling. I'm still bored in my workouts. I'm still bored with my food. I'm still struggling to find the time to make it all fit - and to have a life and ENJOY this life I have fought for for so long.

I am almost at my one year anniversary from starting this journey. I started last September 19th. In the 11 plus months since this began, I have lost almost 100 pounds. I have about six pounds to get to 100 pounds. I've been this close before and I've gotten scared before and stopped.

I am scared. I don't know what this new me looks like. I don't know what it feels like to be someone who is 150 or even 200 pounds lighter. But damnit, this time, I want to know. Yes, it scares me but I want to know. I've fought so hard to get here, I don't want to give up this time.

I have no idea how I am going to get here. But I'm going to still keep fighting my way. I'm going to talk to Adrian tomorrow and ask for his help. He's helped me through little struggles before. This one is huge and hopefully he can shed some light.

And I am going to stop hiding. I'm going to stop hiding my bad habits. I'm going to stop hiding from the fact that its OK to be successful here.

Again, I have no idea how. But I believe in a God who will show me the way. Maybe its time to ask him for help as well.

Starting Over

I simply cannot believe how long it as been since I posted. But here we are, again.

To erase any questions about the title, I haven't fallen off the wagon. But I still need a reboot.

So my summer in a nutshell: had three glorious weeks off in June although that was so long ago, I don't remember them. I then started a crazy, hectic graduate program which shook up every schedule and routine that I had put into place that was working. I then spent a bit over two weeks in Europe with school and then my mom and sister. Then I returned home, had one day off, went back to work. Then this past weekend, I traveled to Las Vegas for a wedding of a childhood friend. Then today, I started the new school year. During all this I juggled a new guy (who is patient and kind and luckily appreciates a busy woman), my workouts, my diet and somehow my sanity.

So how did my weight loss survive this crazy hurricane of a summer? It just did. I didn't lose crazy pounds this summer but somehow I lost a ton of inches. At my last measurement session, I had lost something like 7 or 8 inches total from all over my body. I have never had that kind of inches loss. It was astonishing. I was proud.

So here I am. I am going to reboot. I need new routines. Everything that I knew last year, everything that worked to get me almost 100 pounds lighter, has changed. I now have a job that I love that I am going to focus on. I now have a boyfriend who I want to spend time with. I now have other things in my life that I want to focus on as well as working out, eating right and all that jazz.

And what I have to realize is that it's OK to have these other priorities as well. I still have to put myself high on the list. I still have to make myself workout. I still have to watch what I eat and listen to my body. But I can live my life as well. I worked so hard last year so that my quality of life would be better. And now that it is, I am going to enjoy that new quality of life.

But that being said, this journey isn't over for me. It's just going to take a new path. I'm going to take what has worked and reshape it into a new look, a new time table and maybe some new activities. My new job is going to keep me at school long past my job last year did. I am going to have to work with this. Some evenings I might want to visit my guy, instead of two hours at the gym and I will have to work around this. These things aren't bad. These things aren't taking away from my success or my drive and desire to reach my goals. They are just going to reshape the way I do things.

Life is about change. My life changed when I set out on this journey nearly a year ago. I have changed. I have found a confidence and a light in myself that I had faked for many years. I don't fake it anymore. And its because of that confidence that I have found that I believe that I can succeed still, even with a life that looks a little different from that of the past.

And amazingly, I am OK with this. I am comfortable with this change. I am excited about finding new routines and patterns. I am excited about finding a little more flexibility in my life to actually enjoy life. I needed last year's structure and strict dedication. I needed it to get over the hump. But now, I can still be successful with doing things a little different.

Change is not bad, its just different. And just like all the other changes I have made in my life, these are going to be the right ones. The tide is always continuing to turn.

Some Random - Yet, Really Cool - Things

A Size 20

In an effort to afford school work today, I went shopping with mom. I wanted one pair of jeans and one pair of shorts that fit me correctly before I leave for Europe later this week. Mom needed new travel clothes as well.

So off we went. And went I got to the store, I started pulling size 22's off the shelf. I was a 24 mostly last time I bought jeans and as my 24s are huge now, I knew that I needed to go down. I took my clothes into the dressing room and tried things on. Most of my 22s fit great. This was exciting enough. THEN I tried on my jeans. The 22s were big. And I mean BIG. So I decided to try the 20. I had no illusion that they would actually fit. I mean last time I lost weight all those years ago, I never got to a 20. I figured I would be leaving without jeans as I was just in between sizes.

Then I tried on the 20s. And then fit like a glove. And I couldn't believe it. I look at my mom with a complete shock. She wasn't surprised as she is my number one cheerleader always and forever. But the 20s fit. In another 20 or so pounds, I will hopefully move out of the 20s. I haven't bought jeans or pants outside of the 20s in more years than I care to remember. It opens up my doors. I see the results of my success everyday but I still don't know how to accept it sometimes. And sometimes I just have to smile and let it sink in. The 20s fit.

Crossing My Legs

So I've always thought that women that could cross their legs were sexy. I always noticed how effortlessly thin people could cross their legs and sit comfortably for hours that way. It has never been me.

And over the past few weeks, I've realized that it is me. Now don't get me wrong, I can't cross them for hours effortlessly, but I can cross them for a reasonable amount of time. It doesn't hurt, its not uncomfortable. And I find that I do it subconsciously now.

I'll be damned if I'm not going to be one of those girls who can cross her legs. And I have to say, my calf muscles look pretty good when one leg is thrown over the over. Thanks, A for all those calf exercises that I despise.

The Seat belt - Again

Driving home today, I realized that I won't need a seat belt extender when I get on the plane to travel to the UK on Friday. At Spring Break I didn't need it - barely. But on Friday, when I sit into the seat, I am going to fit comfortable and buckle my seat belt with no sweating, grunting or struggling.

What a great way to start my trip.

So Close, Once Again

Seven years ago I had a lot of success losing weight. I lost almost 100 pounds. I never hit that 100 pound mark. I was close - so very close - and yet I didn't let myself reach that point.

So here I am again - so close. I've currently lost 93 pounds total and I'm seven pounds away. Yet, this time is different. I will hit it this time. I can see myself well beyond this goal. I can see myself in a size 10. I can see myself in a small wedding dress someday. I can see myself running triathlons and running the MS 150.

Hitting the 100 pound goal is a huge accomplishment. But it is not THE accomplishment. It's just a milestone. I'll celebrate and I'll go to the gym the next day. It's just part of the journey - not the end. Yes, some days its frustrating to think I've come this far and still have so far to go. But at the end of the day, its just how it is. Focusing on the frustratations of the unchangeable circumstances aren't going to make it any different.

So I choose to celebrate and continue. And eventually, I will celebrate losing another 100 pounds. And eventually, I will fit into those smaller clothes and be in the shape of my life.

And at the end of the day - I can't say that I would have it any other way.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

So today, I hit a new point with A, and more importantly with myself.

This week was my first week of this crazy four week graduate program. I've been in class for 12 hours a day, eaten lunch while studying, worked out each morning at 7 a.m. (leaving my house at 6 a.m. to go work out) and had scheduled my weekly workout session with my trainer for this morning.

Today also happened to be my monthly weigh-in. I weighed in and had lost 10 pounds for the month. THIS is a good month. There is nothing anywhere that can convince me that it wasn't. The not so good came from the fact that I didn't lose inches. Everything was stagnant. And while I love losing pounds, I even more enjoy watching the inches go down each month.

A was a little worried. He talked about maybe I need to eat less, etc. And I stopped him. It hit me - for the first time since I started this journey - I have to put my life ahead of my weight loss.

I've paid a great deal to be a part of this graduate program. It means a lot to me. I'm enjoying every single moment of it and I'm proud to be a part of it. And while I am still going to get up two hours earlier than I have to so that I can make it to the campus gym and while I am still going to pack my healthy lunch and snacks, I am going to focus on school for a month. And that is OK. It simply has to to be.

I feel like I have been practicing for this for almost a year. I have been learning how to juggle busy schedules with a healthy lifestyle. I have learned how to cope with stress and learned how to make good decisions. I've learned all of these things about me with the knowledge that eventually I was going to have to use these skills. And here I am. The rubber is officially meeting the road and I have to make it work.

I'm still passionate about losing weight. I'm still far from my goal and I still thank God everyday for the success I have had and all of the amazing things it has brought into my life. But for the first time - it can't be in the forefront of my thoughts. With my 12 hour school days, followed by my two hours of studying each night, I have to sleep sometime. And I have to eat high protein foods so that my brain will still absorb into at 8 p.m. at night when I got up at 5:45 that morning. I have to do these things.

It's only a month. My goal for this month is to lose weight. My goal is to stay on track - without having to put every ounce of energy I have into it. I've been preparing for this test just as I've studying for quizzes this week and writing papers. Now, I am going to be tested. And I will succeed.

I have no choice.

Lots of New

I haven't written in a few weeks. I've been busy. I've been busy with a lot of NEW.

New has always been scary to me. I like routine. I like knowing what is coming my way. I like knowing what my schedule is going to look like. I like knowing when and where I can do the things I need to do.

But my life - as of late - has been shaken up.

I have a new job. I'm still getting used to my new - and still changing body. I have a new boy. I start a new chapter in my schooling on Monday. All of these things in my life are great and welcome. Yet, now I need to stop and figure out how to juggle all of the new that is hitting me at once.

So far - I think I've done alright. I have taken these past four weeks to work out A LOT. I went in the mornings, leaving my house for the gym before my sister headed to work some mornings. I worked out in the evenings. I ate healthy. I slept a lot. I read theater theory, I memorized monologues and a certain Shakespeare sonnet which ate my lunch. I went on dates. But most important, I took care of myself. I didn't stress. I didn't freak out because my schedule wasn't set. I just let it happen.

And what I learned in just letting it all happen is that I can still make the good choices. I have lost 12 pounds this month. It's one of my biggest months since the beginning of this journey. And yet, I have been less structured than ever before. I trusted in my abilities to make good choices and still live my life. And I still succeeded.

I'm going to remember this in the coming weeks. Monday I embark on 12 hour class days and from what I've been warned - crazy amounts of homework. And I'm going to still try to juggle this great guy, my family and friends and prep work for my new job at my new school. And yet, I am more confident now than ever before that I can still be successful. I can do this.

I've made plans. I'm going to work out in the mornings and enjoy it. I'm going to bring my lunch and dinner everyday. I'm going to work during lunches and dinners when I can. I'm going to make this work. And in six weeks - when I return from Europe - I will be even lighter and even more healthy.

Life happens. And it's an absolutely beautiful life. It's time for me to really live it.

The Real Climb

Sorry these pictures are wayyyyy out of order. :) I don't seem to be intelligent enough to order them correctly. :)

Now what? Oh, yeah, I guess I have to go down now. :)

From the top! What a view...

The bottom looking up.

Me at the bottom, before I have started my trek!

The trail that would kick my arse!

So happy driving.

I went climbing today. I nearly stopped, several times. But I made it to the top. Here is the story.

While on my short little road trip across Texas, I visited my friend Cortney in Vernon, Texas. Mapquest told me that it would take me home through the DFW area. That wouldn’t have been bad but I wasn’t quite ready to end my get-away. I decided I still needed a day – one that would just be for me.

So I did my Priceline magic and got a room for the night in Fredericksburg. I knew I loved the Hill country and that it was good for my soul. So after my hotel room was in place, I started looking at things around the area. And it hit me – Enchanted Rock.

I knew Enchanted Rock was near Fredericksburg and Llano. And as many times as I have made the trip to Llano with my good friends, we had never made the trip to Enchanted Rock. So I made up my mind. I was going to climb that sucker. I mean besides – I’m in good shape, it should be easy. I was a little mislead about just exactly how good of shape I am in.

So I left Vernon about 8:30 Monday morning and headed down through West Texas towards the Hill Country. I had frozen my water bottles the night before and bought sunscreen and a hat for the climb. I knew it would be hot but I was ready for that.

Then I arrived. I had seen pictures of Enchanted Rock. I knew that Summit Trail was just over a half of a mile with a climb of 650 to 800 feet. Yet, I really had no idea just how high that is and just how much it would hurt as I pushed my still 300 plus body up that granite hill.

I started off with a good pace. It was a slight climb. It was uneven and rocky but I felt that I had my footing pretty well in place. This is so like when I started losing weight. It was somewhat easy in the beginning. I still had the energy and the excitement of starting a new journey. My feelings in the beginning stages of the climb reminded me of those first couple weeks where I was losing large numbers easy week and was still really excited about the exercise and everything that came with it.

Then it got harder. The rock steps gave way to just smooth granite steep hills. I stood there today and wondered what I had gotten myself into. My body still felt ok – although it was taking longer for me to catch my breathe. I pride myself that I can recover after a crazy spinning song really fast. Well, a few hundred feet up – your body just doesn’t recover quite as well. Or so I learned.

But I took my time. I would pick a point and climb to it. This is what I have been doing for so long. I’ve been setting these little goals and busting my rear to get to them. I would have to keep reminding myself to look behind me – to see just what I had accomplished. I don’t do this enough in this journey. I get frustrated with the road ahead of me and if I would stop to look back a bit more I think some of that frustration would ease.

As I got higher and higher, it got steeper and harder for me. I watched people pass me barely out of breathe. It bothered me. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I have worked so hard to NOT be that girl. And yet, there I was – 8 months later – 80 pounds lighter – in great shape – and hurting and struggling for breathe as I climbed the giant.

I sat down to respond to a text message that I had received. It was from my best friend. I told him I wanted to quit even though I was near the top of the mountain. I told him I was hurting. And I told him that I was tired of quitting when it got too hard.

I knew he would write me back and encourage me. But I actually didn’t need it. All I needed to see was that I DON’T want to quit in writing. I don’t want to be that girl who gives up so easy. So I stood and keep climbing. I got to the edge of the top plateau. It’s huge for those of you who haven’t been to Enchanted Rock. I didn’t walk the entire top. I just stood there. I caught my breathe (for a long time), took some pictures and took it all in.

I had no idea when I decided to visit Enchanted Rock that it would become such a monumental thing for me. I had no idea it would be so hard. I had no idea that those old habits of wanting to quit when it gets too hard would come racing back to me. But then did. And I dealt with it.

Despite my recent set back, maybe – just maybe – I have come a lot further than I thought. Maybe I do have what it takes inside of me. I still have lots of mountains to climb. But now I know – that at my own pace, with my willpower – I can make it to the top.

Yep, I can climb any mountain. Let the games begin.